what gives me the right to feel significance?
who else dreams of your blue inky fingerprint transforming into ripples on leazes park lake over a year ago?
who else dreams of the coffee we drank in Starbucks pouring from the irises of your eyes?
and what about the heat your warm lips gave out, and your fingertips against mine?
don't touch me you'll stain me with your blue ink.
Monday, 26 April 2004
Thursday, 22 April 2004
narcissistic me
i'm at school again, this time in the schroder information technology suite. i cried again this morning. i remember when i was in reception at school, i used to cry every morning my mum left me because i hated being away from her and i loathed the teachers. it feels kind of the same way now.
i told 'joe' about this and he nodded and pretended he understood but he doesn't. how could he? afterall it's been almost 7 years since he even stepped foot in a school. i wish i could put in words what it feels like, but all i can think of is extreme loneliness. i wake up in the morning and i'm invisible from that point onwards. he'll never understand.
last night he told me i never think of anyone other than myself, as long as i'm ok everything's fine, forget everyone else. i don't think anyone's ever said something that hurtful to me. maybe he's right though. wasn't it just the other day i was saying that i didn't love him? maybe he doesn't love me either, but at least he cares. he thinks i don't care about him, and it's made me wonder if i do. it was never ever my intention to use him to try and get over my relationship with you, nathaniel, but it's got me wondering...
i honestly do feel that i care for him a lot, he means a lot to me and i'd be upset if he were to break it off. but would i still be writing letters i'll never send to him over six months after our break up? would i have a box of his things; a golf tee, a bracelet, a stupid piece of twig? a bowl of dead flowers he's given to me over a year ago?
i doubt i would.
i told 'joe' about this and he nodded and pretended he understood but he doesn't. how could he? afterall it's been almost 7 years since he even stepped foot in a school. i wish i could put in words what it feels like, but all i can think of is extreme loneliness. i wake up in the morning and i'm invisible from that point onwards. he'll never understand.
last night he told me i never think of anyone other than myself, as long as i'm ok everything's fine, forget everyone else. i don't think anyone's ever said something that hurtful to me. maybe he's right though. wasn't it just the other day i was saying that i didn't love him? maybe he doesn't love me either, but at least he cares. he thinks i don't care about him, and it's made me wonder if i do. it was never ever my intention to use him to try and get over my relationship with you, nathaniel, but it's got me wondering...
i honestly do feel that i care for him a lot, he means a lot to me and i'd be upset if he were to break it off. but would i still be writing letters i'll never send to him over six months after our break up? would i have a box of his things; a golf tee, a bracelet, a stupid piece of twig? a bowl of dead flowers he's given to me over a year ago?
i doubt i would.
Tuesday, 20 April 2004
sail on silver girl
i'm at school, in the schroder library to be exact, for the first time in about a month. i've been holding back tears all morning, and i don't even know what they're for.
on the way to school this morning we had the radio on, and just as we turned the corner for the school a song came on and i almost burst into tears.
the trouble is, we listened to so many songs when we were together than whenever i hear one i always think immediately of you. and then the tears kick in.
this morning it was bridge over troubled water. i don't even like the song but it reminds me of you because whenever i was sad you used to say "sail on silver girl" and everything would magically become ok again. you haven't said that to me for about six months though, and i haven't been ok for about six months now. whenever i felt like i was slipping all i had to do was remember i had you and i'd be back on my feet again.
our friends have been telling me that you've changed since september; become nasty and mean. you were never like that before, with me. is it self-righteous of me to think that you've changed because we're not together anymore? i used to keep you in order, make sure you got your homework in on time, make sure you didn't act up in classes, make sure you didn't pick on people or offend them. have you changed because i'm not there telling you not to do those things?
i worry about you even though we're not each others' concerns anymore. i worry about your work and your exams and your 'new friends' and your 'dangerous' new lifestyle. when was the last time you worried about me?
you used to be special because you were different to everyone else. your taste in music, the way you dressed, your way of expressing yourself. now it seems like you're a clone of your friends with your New Munky music and Timberlands and your "inits", and "likes". you're a totally different person.
i talked to you last night for the first time in fifty six days (apart from my constant requests for the £12 you owe me). i got that feeling i used to get when we were still together, of butterflies when my phone went off and the grabbing for it to read what you had to say to me. but the things you were saying to me were very different. normal small talk between friends.
to be honest i don't think we'll ever be friends again. i'd like to but if we got any closer than "how was your holiday" i think we'd get caught up in the web we were in after we split up. fuck buddies. that's all we were really after october. we always knew we'd either be lovers or enemies, there's nothing in the middle for you and i.
maybe when we're older and both single we'll meet by chance and fall in love again. until then we'll be the worst of enemies.
on the way to school this morning we had the radio on, and just as we turned the corner for the school a song came on and i almost burst into tears.
the trouble is, we listened to so many songs when we were together than whenever i hear one i always think immediately of you. and then the tears kick in.
this morning it was bridge over troubled water. i don't even like the song but it reminds me of you because whenever i was sad you used to say "sail on silver girl" and everything would magically become ok again. you haven't said that to me for about six months though, and i haven't been ok for about six months now. whenever i felt like i was slipping all i had to do was remember i had you and i'd be back on my feet again.
our friends have been telling me that you've changed since september; become nasty and mean. you were never like that before, with me. is it self-righteous of me to think that you've changed because we're not together anymore? i used to keep you in order, make sure you got your homework in on time, make sure you didn't act up in classes, make sure you didn't pick on people or offend them. have you changed because i'm not there telling you not to do those things?
i worry about you even though we're not each others' concerns anymore. i worry about your work and your exams and your 'new friends' and your 'dangerous' new lifestyle. when was the last time you worried about me?
you used to be special because you were different to everyone else. your taste in music, the way you dressed, your way of expressing yourself. now it seems like you're a clone of your friends with your New Munky music and Timberlands and your "inits", and "likes". you're a totally different person.
i talked to you last night for the first time in fifty six days (apart from my constant requests for the £12 you owe me). i got that feeling i used to get when we were still together, of butterflies when my phone went off and the grabbing for it to read what you had to say to me. but the things you were saying to me were very different. normal small talk between friends.
to be honest i don't think we'll ever be friends again. i'd like to but if we got any closer than "how was your holiday" i think we'd get caught up in the web we were in after we split up. fuck buddies. that's all we were really after october. we always knew we'd either be lovers or enemies, there's nothing in the middle for you and i.
maybe when we're older and both single we'll meet by chance and fall in love again. until then we'll be the worst of enemies.
Saturday, 17 April 2004
torn
I would love to say that I'm ready to fall in love with 'Joe', but I'm not. It's like a role reversal from my relationship with you, Nathaniel. He is the one chasing after me with flowers and letters and pretty words and goddamn marriage proposals, and I'm the one running as fast as I can. Why? Maybe it's the age thing; afterall six years is a lot to a fifteen year old. It would be so much easier for me to fall in love with him than to still be clutching at false hopes between you and I.
It's been fifty four days since we've seen each other. I remember that lunch time. My school had been closed because of the snow and you came to my house for dinner. There was nothing romantic about it, apart from the hug and how you lifted me up onto the counter. I wanted to cry. Perhaps we both knew that was the very end of us. You put your forehead against mine and you went to kiss me. Then the thought came to me. Me and 'Joe' had sex in that very place. You were between my legs, moving closer towards me with your mouth when I jumped up and said you'd be late for afternoon lessons. That was the very last time we were together.
The day before that we went to visit our friend in hospital. As we walked out of the funny-smelling building together, into the fresh snow, you whispered in my ear "you look beautiful with snow flakes in your hair". I stopped laughing and smiling and that there was our last kiss. Fifty five days ago. I wish I had known that would be our last. I think you knew.
I don't think anyone will understand how it feels and what it means to have your lips against mine. To me, that will always be the definitive kiss, gentle yet passionate. It was like we'd read each other's minds when we'd kiss; we both knew what to do and when to do it, without even thinking about it.
I wish I could remember which of your chestnut eyes has the black dot in it. Every time I see 'Joe' looking up at me I imagine your face instead of his. I know it's wrong.
I wonder how much longer your hair has grown and if it would feel different between my fingers.
Maybe I should ask your girlfriend.
It's been fifty four days since we've seen each other. I remember that lunch time. My school had been closed because of the snow and you came to my house for dinner. There was nothing romantic about it, apart from the hug and how you lifted me up onto the counter. I wanted to cry. Perhaps we both knew that was the very end of us. You put your forehead against mine and you went to kiss me. Then the thought came to me. Me and 'Joe' had sex in that very place. You were between my legs, moving closer towards me with your mouth when I jumped up and said you'd be late for afternoon lessons. That was the very last time we were together.
The day before that we went to visit our friend in hospital. As we walked out of the funny-smelling building together, into the fresh snow, you whispered in my ear "you look beautiful with snow flakes in your hair". I stopped laughing and smiling and that there was our last kiss. Fifty five days ago. I wish I had known that would be our last. I think you knew.
I don't think anyone will understand how it feels and what it means to have your lips against mine. To me, that will always be the definitive kiss, gentle yet passionate. It was like we'd read each other's minds when we'd kiss; we both knew what to do and when to do it, without even thinking about it.
I wish I could remember which of your chestnut eyes has the black dot in it. Every time I see 'Joe' looking up at me I imagine your face instead of his. I know it's wrong.
I wonder how much longer your hair has grown and if it would feel different between my fingers.
Maybe I should ask your girlfriend.
Friday, 26 March 2004
lost in an embrace
it's been such a long time since i even saw his face, and i hadn't thought about him for the longest time ever. but someone walked past me today wearing the perfume he bought me for christmas. i unconsciously stopped walking and turned around to follow the woman, so the smell wouldn't leave me.
everything flooded back. the certain way we fitted together when we lay down, my head in the groove of your shoulder, my head resting on your arm. the pause just before we kissed each other, our lips a millimetre apart, while we were taking in the look we'd give each other. the way my hand slotted perfectly into yours. how your lips felt against my neck, and the hot breath of air that let me know you were behind me. the cool sensation of your silver necklace against my skin, and the warmth your body gave out while we were lost in an embrace together.
no one ever made me feel that safe, like nothing in the world could hurt me while you were holding me tightly. i've lied to so many people.
i do miss you.
everything flooded back. the certain way we fitted together when we lay down, my head in the groove of your shoulder, my head resting on your arm. the pause just before we kissed each other, our lips a millimetre apart, while we were taking in the look we'd give each other. the way my hand slotted perfectly into yours. how your lips felt against my neck, and the hot breath of air that let me know you were behind me. the cool sensation of your silver necklace against my skin, and the warmth your body gave out while we were lost in an embrace together.
no one ever made me feel that safe, like nothing in the world could hurt me while you were holding me tightly. i've lied to so many people.
i do miss you.
Tuesday, 16 March 2004
Ice Queen of the Faculty
i met my 'toe by toe buddy' today.
my english teacher asked me if i'd take over from a girl in the sixth form who helps some of the younger girls learn to read and write.
i got a shock how fulfilling it was. it was like i could see her eyes taking in what i was saying. she was enjoying learning with me.
it has nudged me towards the idea of becoming a teacher when i'm older.
would that fit in with the image i want to give out when i'm older though? the ice queen of the faculty. could be interesting.
my english teacher asked me if i'd take over from a girl in the sixth form who helps some of the younger girls learn to read and write.
i got a shock how fulfilling it was. it was like i could see her eyes taking in what i was saying. she was enjoying learning with me.
it has nudged me towards the idea of becoming a teacher when i'm older.
would that fit in with the image i want to give out when i'm older though? the ice queen of the faculty. could be interesting.
Monday, 15 March 2004
sacrifices
it's been almost seven months since i started my new school and i still can't help thinking i don't belong there. those girls don't understand how lucky they are. they have every opportunity available to them, opportunities i've made so many sacrifices for, and they aren't even grateful.
it was just over a year ago i took the scholarship exam. i've wished so many times i could erase that day and let everything go back to normal, but i can't. i made the decision to apply in early february, when i went through that awkward phase of not knowing what was wrong with me, but aware that something certainly was.
then there was nathaniel.
but it was too late: i'd applied. i took the test hoping to god i wouldn't pass, and received a letter a week later from mrs anne templemann confirming my 60% scholarship and 20% bursary. so my parents only had to pay 20% of the total £8,000 a year fee.
to be honest i never really made a decision about it. i remember my dad's hands shaking when he opened the letter. they told me i had a week to decide, but my school had already been informed that i was to leave at the end of the year. i talked to nathaniel about it, and he told me i had every reason in the world to go for it. i was thinking, but i did not say it, that there was a huge reason for me to stay. i should have said it there and then.
i left it a month or two before i told my friends, although it had already been made obvious by teacher's congratulations and remarks. everybody seemed to forget that i had only a couple of months left, and when that time ran out, we were no longer very close anymore.
summer was amazing. my first summer in love; in real love. but that time ran out too, and nathaniel returned to school before i did. i felt so jealous. it only started to dawn on us on the last few days of summer. we could literally feel it slipping through our fingers.
i made a promise to myself to end our relationship before the summer ended. but i was greedy, and wanted just a little more time. i wish i'd ended it then, so it could have stayed special, instead of becoming desperately hurtful. things might be different now if we had ended it then like we should have done.
i miss you still, and think of you often, nathaniel.
it was just over a year ago i took the scholarship exam. i've wished so many times i could erase that day and let everything go back to normal, but i can't. i made the decision to apply in early february, when i went through that awkward phase of not knowing what was wrong with me, but aware that something certainly was.
then there was nathaniel.
but it was too late: i'd applied. i took the test hoping to god i wouldn't pass, and received a letter a week later from mrs anne templemann confirming my 60% scholarship and 20% bursary. so my parents only had to pay 20% of the total £8,000 a year fee.
to be honest i never really made a decision about it. i remember my dad's hands shaking when he opened the letter. they told me i had a week to decide, but my school had already been informed that i was to leave at the end of the year. i talked to nathaniel about it, and he told me i had every reason in the world to go for it. i was thinking, but i did not say it, that there was a huge reason for me to stay. i should have said it there and then.
i left it a month or two before i told my friends, although it had already been made obvious by teacher's congratulations and remarks. everybody seemed to forget that i had only a couple of months left, and when that time ran out, we were no longer very close anymore.
summer was amazing. my first summer in love; in real love. but that time ran out too, and nathaniel returned to school before i did. i felt so jealous. it only started to dawn on us on the last few days of summer. we could literally feel it slipping through our fingers.
i made a promise to myself to end our relationship before the summer ended. but i was greedy, and wanted just a little more time. i wish i'd ended it then, so it could have stayed special, instead of becoming desperately hurtful. things might be different now if we had ended it then like we should have done.
i miss you still, and think of you often, nathaniel.
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