i know i haven't written much in the last couple of weeks, but i've had some good excuses. i had to go to hospital on the 13th because i was getting excruciating pains in my stomach, and they found a cist near to my fallopian tube they had to remove. 'joe' begged his seargent major for compassion leave as soon as he heard, which i thought was soo sweet. he came to visit me in hospital and i went home the next day after having it removed, not a pleasant experience.
since then i've been catching up on my work, yes i typed that correctly, W-O-R-K. it feels so great to not have to hide from teachers in assembly, or take the long route down main concourse to avoid the staff room. the last two weeks have been quite good for me; i've started being myself more at school too, not just sitting smiling in the corner like i usually do.
when it comes to the issue of me and 'joe', we've taken our relationship a bit further in the last two weeks. i can't remember the first time i said it, but i caught myself saying i love you, then realised that i'd said it before. it's weird. it just felt so natural to say it though that it didn't freak me out.
i like things the way they are right now. we're in love, but neither of us are head over heels, it's just a neutral fondness for each other. if we ended it i'd be sad, but i'd get over it. which means i'm not going to get my heart broken. i like it this way.
Thursday, 27 May 2004
Wednesday, 26 May 2004
a eulogy for nathaniel
i've decided that for mirabella to have any chance of getting on with her life, nathaniel has to die. this is all that is left of him now anyway: a black badge, an orange and blue REEF bottle top, a white golf tee, a name-tag saying 'Hannah May Smith', a bus pass which expired on the 31st of July 2003, an old malteser, a paper Remembrance Day poppy, two tissues with Peter Rabbit chracters printed on them, a clothes label with a button stitched to it, a melted BIC pen, a christmas present tag saying 'To Hannah, Merry Crimbo, Soz it's late', a blue and yellow bow, a dried daffodil head from Spring 2003, half a pencil made from one recycled vending cup from the Earth Centre, a penny, half an 'Admit One' ticket, a bus ticket dated 17th February 2003, a birthday present tag with GOLDSMITHS FINE JEWELLERY on the front saying 'To Hannah, Happy Birthday, Lots of Love Jordan x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x', a dried pink coronation head from June 2003, a pair of gloves, a wooden necklace from the Earth Centre, a stalk of lavender, a caramel wrapper, a Valentines 2004 card saying 'To Hannah, Love you lots, Jordan x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x', a sweatband, a clear marble with a green stripe through it, a birhday card saying 'To Hannah, Happy Birthday, lots of love and kisses Jordan x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x', a small piece of twig he told me to keep forever, a soft toy with two lions stitched together with a heart between them reading 'I love you' and a Monet printed hard-back book, with hundreds of entries based solely on one figure - YOU, NATHANIEL. Now though, none of what i wrote in that book, or any of those stupid objects, means anything, because i have decided that from this sentence onwards nathaniel ceases to exist.
Tuesday, 4 May 2004
thank god for lego
yeah i'm in the schroder suite again. this weekend has been so strange i keep on asking myslef if things actually happened.
on thursday night 'joe' came home and on the friday he pretended to take me to school and we ditched again. it makes me feel so alive when i'm doing something wrong, isn't that a mental condition? we went to his friend's flat and helped them decorate, and i took magic mushrooms for the first time ever.
i could see my hair growing out of my head, and my fingernails growing out of my fingers. it was unlike anything i've ever experienced, but it was like i was hanging over the edge and needed a bigger push to get me over. like the build-up to a climax that never comes.
hours later when it wore off we went to the pictures to see 'eternal sunshine of the spotless mind'. on the way to 'the gate' in newcastle we had an argument over nothing really, and when he stopped at the traffic lights i walked out of the car. i couldn't stand him saying to me that all i ever thought of was myself, that all that mattered to me was what i wanted. i know that's not true; he's the only person who has ever said that to me. it's not true, is it?
anyway, by the time i walked to the cinema and strutted up the stairs he was waiting for me, out of breath. i liked the film but i was too angry to have appreciated it as much as i'd have liked to.
on saturday we went out with his mother to see another film 'secret window', which i thought was good but they thought was crap. she likes me, i can tell, and not just that fake kind of liking either. we talked for most of the night, pissing 'joe' off.
sunday i went out with my sister, her fiance and his friend to newcastle. i was pissed before i got out of the taxi. i had an amazing time, while 'joe', who had paid £30 and £4 a pint for this 12th birthday at shindig had a shit time.
i went back to my sister's and had a midnight barbeque and 'joe' came later on. i was on MDMA, something i would never normally dream of taking but i was off my head so i can forgive myself.
while we were having sex 'joe' blurted out that loved me. i was a little shocked and fell out of bed onto some of my sister's fiance's kids' toys, kind of extinguishing the question.
i wasn't ready to say anything back, not i love you, but not i don't love you either.
thank god for lego.
on thursday night 'joe' came home and on the friday he pretended to take me to school and we ditched again. it makes me feel so alive when i'm doing something wrong, isn't that a mental condition? we went to his friend's flat and helped them decorate, and i took magic mushrooms for the first time ever.
i could see my hair growing out of my head, and my fingernails growing out of my fingers. it was unlike anything i've ever experienced, but it was like i was hanging over the edge and needed a bigger push to get me over. like the build-up to a climax that never comes.
hours later when it wore off we went to the pictures to see 'eternal sunshine of the spotless mind'. on the way to 'the gate' in newcastle we had an argument over nothing really, and when he stopped at the traffic lights i walked out of the car. i couldn't stand him saying to me that all i ever thought of was myself, that all that mattered to me was what i wanted. i know that's not true; he's the only person who has ever said that to me. it's not true, is it?
anyway, by the time i walked to the cinema and strutted up the stairs he was waiting for me, out of breath. i liked the film but i was too angry to have appreciated it as much as i'd have liked to.
on saturday we went out with his mother to see another film 'secret window', which i thought was good but they thought was crap. she likes me, i can tell, and not just that fake kind of liking either. we talked for most of the night, pissing 'joe' off.
sunday i went out with my sister, her fiance and his friend to newcastle. i was pissed before i got out of the taxi. i had an amazing time, while 'joe', who had paid £30 and £4 a pint for this 12th birthday at shindig had a shit time.
i went back to my sister's and had a midnight barbeque and 'joe' came later on. i was on MDMA, something i would never normally dream of taking but i was off my head so i can forgive myself.
while we were having sex 'joe' blurted out that loved me. i was a little shocked and fell out of bed onto some of my sister's fiance's kids' toys, kind of extinguishing the question.
i wasn't ready to say anything back, not i love you, but not i don't love you either.
thank god for lego.
Thursday, 29 April 2004
pink pills
in the schroder suite again. when i talked to him yesterday 'joe' seemed to have totally forgotten about his outburst the night before, so i just forgot it too. i can't be arsed with arguing right now so i just pretended like nothing had even happened. i'm starting to get used to his little moods and his demands and stupid reasons for going off on one.
my pink pills have stopped my jaw from hurting so much but i can still feel it clicking in and out of place. they've had a weird effect on me i think. i keep telling people the truth, which could be a bad thing. hmmmm.
i feel pretty today, a weird thing to say i know but i do so i think i might as well say it.
just got an e-mail saying he's coming home again tonight. i'm glad (note the enthusiasm).
this is my free lesson but i never do work in frees i always just end up writing in here. it clears my mind though and makes the rest of the day seem not so bad so maybe it's a good thing that i'm sat here pretending to research desertification.
i'm hungry.
i bet i have to meet him at the station tonight at like 10:00 or something like that. and i bet he wants to stay at my house too. don't get me wrong i love spending time with him and waking up with him and stuff but when he turns into johnny from the shining and says loads of nasty things and then magically transforms into prince charming the next day it kind of pisses me off.
he's taking me on holiday in the summer, to the norfolk broads on a barge holiday. i'm not going to be sarcastic about it because i am kind of looking forward to it and it's all we can really afford. he wants to buy a motorbike. that could be cool: riding on the back of a motorcycle, my hair flying backwards as went ride towards the sunset. or he'll buy a piece of scrap metal with wheels and it'll rain everywhere we go.
it's nice to have an older boyfriend because i suppose if i was still with you, nathaniel, the end of the bus route would be the boundary for where we could go. and we wouldn't be able to stop off at country pubs and go out for fancy meals and nights out at the pictures (for free). that's honestly not the only reason i'm with 'joe' though. he's such a unique person. i don't think i've ever met someone so kind and generous, and so eager to please me. bit of a contrast from you, don't you think, nathaniel? (you still owe me £12).
that reminds me, a friend told me that her boyfriend blabbed to his friends about what they get up to in private. i can kind of identify with the stuff she's been going through lately, but even though we were sex-crazed even after we split up, you were always a gentleman in the matter. you never made me do anything i didn't want to, you never told your friends (at the time i don't think anyway), and if i didn't seem into what we were doing you'd stop and we’d talk or something.
i miss that side of you. i know you and 'grace' must be close in that way too but part of me hopes that the love that you and her share isn't as special as it was for you and me. i admit that with 'joe' it's a lot more fun, but with you it was definitely special, in a way i don't think it will be for me with anyone else.
i wonder if you hold her hand when she comes, or if you kiss her eyes to wake her up. do you hold her closer while you're sleeping? do you think that when she comes her face is the most beautiful thing in the world?
this is making my heart hurt.
my pink pills have stopped my jaw from hurting so much but i can still feel it clicking in and out of place. they've had a weird effect on me i think. i keep telling people the truth, which could be a bad thing. hmmmm.
i feel pretty today, a weird thing to say i know but i do so i think i might as well say it.
just got an e-mail saying he's coming home again tonight. i'm glad (note the enthusiasm).
this is my free lesson but i never do work in frees i always just end up writing in here. it clears my mind though and makes the rest of the day seem not so bad so maybe it's a good thing that i'm sat here pretending to research desertification.
i'm hungry.
i bet i have to meet him at the station tonight at like 10:00 or something like that. and i bet he wants to stay at my house too. don't get me wrong i love spending time with him and waking up with him and stuff but when he turns into johnny from the shining and says loads of nasty things and then magically transforms into prince charming the next day it kind of pisses me off.
he's taking me on holiday in the summer, to the norfolk broads on a barge holiday. i'm not going to be sarcastic about it because i am kind of looking forward to it and it's all we can really afford. he wants to buy a motorbike. that could be cool: riding on the back of a motorcycle, my hair flying backwards as went ride towards the sunset. or he'll buy a piece of scrap metal with wheels and it'll rain everywhere we go.
it's nice to have an older boyfriend because i suppose if i was still with you, nathaniel, the end of the bus route would be the boundary for where we could go. and we wouldn't be able to stop off at country pubs and go out for fancy meals and nights out at the pictures (for free). that's honestly not the only reason i'm with 'joe' though. he's such a unique person. i don't think i've ever met someone so kind and generous, and so eager to please me. bit of a contrast from you, don't you think, nathaniel? (you still owe me £12).
that reminds me, a friend told me that her boyfriend blabbed to his friends about what they get up to in private. i can kind of identify with the stuff she's been going through lately, but even though we were sex-crazed even after we split up, you were always a gentleman in the matter. you never made me do anything i didn't want to, you never told your friends (at the time i don't think anyway), and if i didn't seem into what we were doing you'd stop and we’d talk or something.
i miss that side of you. i know you and 'grace' must be close in that way too but part of me hopes that the love that you and her share isn't as special as it was for you and me. i admit that with 'joe' it's a lot more fun, but with you it was definitely special, in a way i don't think it will be for me with anyone else.
i wonder if you hold her hand when she comes, or if you kiss her eyes to wake her up. do you hold her closer while you're sleeping? do you think that when she comes her face is the most beautiful thing in the world?
this is making my heart hurt.
Tuesday, 27 April 2004
choking smoke / sweet sensation
i'm writing from the schroder suite again. 'joe' left yesterday and it's left me more unhappy than i expected it would. i woke up at six yesterday morning just to lie in bed with him for an extra hour before i left for school. i didn't say goodbye i just kissed him while he slept, but he came and picked me up after school before we said goodbye at the train station.
i think i'm falling for him, finally. i felt lonely last night lying in the bed he'd been sleeping in for the past three weeks. everything seems empty and sad. i never thought i'd miss him this much.
i was thinking about him last night, when your name popped up on my phone. we were fake-chatting again about stupid things which we didn't really care about, afraid to ask each other the real questions, what's really been on our minds. you told me you saw me in the car with 'joe'. "who's joe?" "how long have you been with him?" "the army guy?".
i asked you about school, if you were staying out of trouble, and if you were coping with the work. no and no. you told me about your smoking and i admitted that i did occasionally after preaching to you for so long about the dangers of it.
"still on the drugs?" "just soft stuff" "tried skunk on saturday, big mistake". i remember smoking weed with you in leazes park last year. choking smoke but sweet sensation.
"yes i'm still with 'grace', we're happy i suppose".
i didn't think of 'joe' much after that.
i think i'm falling for him, finally. i felt lonely last night lying in the bed he'd been sleeping in for the past three weeks. everything seems empty and sad. i never thought i'd miss him this much.
i was thinking about him last night, when your name popped up on my phone. we were fake-chatting again about stupid things which we didn't really care about, afraid to ask each other the real questions, what's really been on our minds. you told me you saw me in the car with 'joe'. "who's joe?" "how long have you been with him?" "the army guy?".
i asked you about school, if you were staying out of trouble, and if you were coping with the work. no and no. you told me about your smoking and i admitted that i did occasionally after preaching to you for so long about the dangers of it.
"still on the drugs?" "just soft stuff" "tried skunk on saturday, big mistake". i remember smoking weed with you in leazes park last year. choking smoke but sweet sensation.
"yes i'm still with 'grace', we're happy i suppose".
i didn't think of 'joe' much after that.
Monday, 26 April 2004
the sweetness of unconsciousness
what gives me the right to feel significance?
who else dreams of your blue inky fingerprint transforming into ripples on leazes park lake over a year ago?
who else dreams of the coffee we drank in Starbucks pouring from the irises of your eyes?
and what about the heat your warm lips gave out, and your fingertips against mine?
don't touch me you'll stain me with your blue ink.
who else dreams of your blue inky fingerprint transforming into ripples on leazes park lake over a year ago?
who else dreams of the coffee we drank in Starbucks pouring from the irises of your eyes?
and what about the heat your warm lips gave out, and your fingertips against mine?
don't touch me you'll stain me with your blue ink.
Thursday, 22 April 2004
narcissistic me
i'm at school again, this time in the schroder information technology suite. i cried again this morning. i remember when i was in reception at school, i used to cry every morning my mum left me because i hated being away from her and i loathed the teachers. it feels kind of the same way now.
i told 'joe' about this and he nodded and pretended he understood but he doesn't. how could he? afterall it's been almost 7 years since he even stepped foot in a school. i wish i could put in words what it feels like, but all i can think of is extreme loneliness. i wake up in the morning and i'm invisible from that point onwards. he'll never understand.
last night he told me i never think of anyone other than myself, as long as i'm ok everything's fine, forget everyone else. i don't think anyone's ever said something that hurtful to me. maybe he's right though. wasn't it just the other day i was saying that i didn't love him? maybe he doesn't love me either, but at least he cares. he thinks i don't care about him, and it's made me wonder if i do. it was never ever my intention to use him to try and get over my relationship with you, nathaniel, but it's got me wondering...
i honestly do feel that i care for him a lot, he means a lot to me and i'd be upset if he were to break it off. but would i still be writing letters i'll never send to him over six months after our break up? would i have a box of his things; a golf tee, a bracelet, a stupid piece of twig? a bowl of dead flowers he's given to me over a year ago?
i doubt i would.
i told 'joe' about this and he nodded and pretended he understood but he doesn't. how could he? afterall it's been almost 7 years since he even stepped foot in a school. i wish i could put in words what it feels like, but all i can think of is extreme loneliness. i wake up in the morning and i'm invisible from that point onwards. he'll never understand.
last night he told me i never think of anyone other than myself, as long as i'm ok everything's fine, forget everyone else. i don't think anyone's ever said something that hurtful to me. maybe he's right though. wasn't it just the other day i was saying that i didn't love him? maybe he doesn't love me either, but at least he cares. he thinks i don't care about him, and it's made me wonder if i do. it was never ever my intention to use him to try and get over my relationship with you, nathaniel, but it's got me wondering...
i honestly do feel that i care for him a lot, he means a lot to me and i'd be upset if he were to break it off. but would i still be writing letters i'll never send to him over six months after our break up? would i have a box of his things; a golf tee, a bracelet, a stupid piece of twig? a bowl of dead flowers he's given to me over a year ago?
i doubt i would.
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