Sailling through the tunnels, In the morning by yourself, There's a very special feeling, True sensation all is well, If you stand and reach your arms out wide, Close your eyes and try to fly, It's an underground illusion, Tricking you from side to side
We knew all the answers, And we shouted them like anthems, Anxious and suspicious, That God knew how much we cheated
It can't come quickly enough, And now you've spent your life, Waiting for this moment, And when you finally saw it come, It passed you by and left you so defeated
Skyscrapers rise between us, Keeping me from finding you, If the concrete architecture dissapeared there'd be so few of us left to navigate and defend ourselves from the tide, It's an underground illusion, Tricking you from side to side
There's no indication of What we were meant to be, Sucking up to strangers, Throwing wishes to the sea
It can't come quickly enough, And now you've spent your life, Waiting for this moment, And when you finally saw it come, It passed you by and left you so defeated
Tuesday, 17 October 2006
Sunday, 15 October 2006
kidnapped by carbon monoxide
It worries me that I'm back here.
Why is it that every now and then people simply lose control over their state of... being? Those moments frighten the life out of me - when it suddenly dawns on you that something rooted deep inside you has more control over you than your head does. Maybe your heart as well. And yet lately the longest it's been able to last for is half a day at the most. It's been so long now since it was a day in, day out battle of endurance that whenever it does come it's as though a black mist chases and engulfs me, and eventually suffocates me.
I never used to panic when it happened, but now I do. I know better now. It feels like a physical injury. It feels like my chest is caving in. It feels like my limbs have been drugged. It feels like I will never know what all the good feelings feel like anymore.
And then I become so tired and dream-like. As though I've been kidnapped by carbon monoxide. He sets himself to work at making me believe that this is what I'm destined to feel. And I'm so tired. And he makes it feel as though it would be pointless to try and snap out of it.
All that's left is for Stockholme Syndrome to set in and then I'll never want to leave this state of being. I'll believe that it's really everyone else who is on the outside. I'm right where I belong.
See? It's so, so easy to be pulled into it. You'd think there'd be an element of choice involved. I honestly don't know.
Why is it that every now and then people simply lose control over their state of... being? Those moments frighten the life out of me - when it suddenly dawns on you that something rooted deep inside you has more control over you than your head does. Maybe your heart as well. And yet lately the longest it's been able to last for is half a day at the most. It's been so long now since it was a day in, day out battle of endurance that whenever it does come it's as though a black mist chases and engulfs me, and eventually suffocates me.
I never used to panic when it happened, but now I do. I know better now. It feels like a physical injury. It feels like my chest is caving in. It feels like my limbs have been drugged. It feels like I will never know what all the good feelings feel like anymore.
And then I become so tired and dream-like. As though I've been kidnapped by carbon monoxide. He sets himself to work at making me believe that this is what I'm destined to feel. And I'm so tired. And he makes it feel as though it would be pointless to try and snap out of it.
All that's left is for Stockholme Syndrome to set in and then I'll never want to leave this state of being. I'll believe that it's really everyone else who is on the outside. I'm right where I belong.
See? It's so, so easy to be pulled into it. You'd think there'd be an element of choice involved. I honestly don't know.
Friday, 28 July 2006
ink on a pin
I'm bored at work on a friday afternoon and everyone's gone home. It's times like these I think - How can I be sitting here staring at the buttons of my calculator when I could be doing something else? Anything else?
I'm the sort of person who takes class A drugs at 14, who works for a scholarship and then sits back and does no work for 2 years. I see a twenty one year olds soon after my fifteenth birthday and let him come and live with me and my parents. I take about a quarter of the school year off sick. I get good grades in the end, because it's me and things always just work out like that for me, but I know I can do better.
And then there's this whole different part of my life that started about a year and a half ago. Fancy meals and Cosmopolitans. Dresses and shoes, at last! Spur of the moment trips to Edinburgh. Someone who wants to show me off rather than hide indoors with me. Nights spent feeling so safe and warm and comfortable. Feeling as though I could quite easily lie with this person forever. One week in particular that can only be described as magical.
How did fate ever allow you enter my life?
I never knew feelings and emotions (other than bad ones) could sink so deep inside me. So deep they wouldn't even go away when I tried to make them. Like they're tattooed so deep they can never fade.
"Ink on a pin, Underneath your skin,
An empty space to fill in."
I'm the sort of person who takes class A drugs at 14, who works for a scholarship and then sits back and does no work for 2 years. I see a twenty one year olds soon after my fifteenth birthday and let him come and live with me and my parents. I take about a quarter of the school year off sick. I get good grades in the end, because it's me and things always just work out like that for me, but I know I can do better.
And then there's this whole different part of my life that started about a year and a half ago. Fancy meals and Cosmopolitans. Dresses and shoes, at last! Spur of the moment trips to Edinburgh. Someone who wants to show me off rather than hide indoors with me. Nights spent feeling so safe and warm and comfortable. Feeling as though I could quite easily lie with this person forever. One week in particular that can only be described as magical.
How did fate ever allow you enter my life?
I never knew feelings and emotions (other than bad ones) could sink so deep inside me. So deep they wouldn't even go away when I tried to make them. Like they're tattooed so deep they can never fade.
"Ink on a pin, Underneath your skin,
An empty space to fill in."
Sunday, 23 July 2006
Korea
For people to understand this entry I'll bring everything up to date:
Me and Adam are back together now and are happier than we've ever been together. Seriously! Looking back now I think the differences between two people only become a problem when you let them. Now, I'm so happy we're together that these differences (that are definitely still there) don't even run through my mind anymore. I just appreciate what we have.
What finally made me realise that none of those things mattered was when I thought about how much I loved him. That was never the issue between us, see. I never loved him less or more than before, it was just everything else around us that was the problem. I just couldn't see why we shouldn't be together when I knew how happy I could be with him when everything was alright.
So somehow, things have gotten even better than before from there. This is definitely the strongest I've ever felt about him. And it seems to keep growing somehow.
He left for Korea ten days ago. I thought I'd be miserable when he went but I'm actually doing fine. Not that I don't miss him, obviously, but in a way I'm happy he's there. Not many twenty one year olds get the chance to be asked to do what he's doing. And I suppose not many seventeen year old girlfriends get the chance to visit them in Korea for a month...
Me and Adam are back together now and are happier than we've ever been together. Seriously! Looking back now I think the differences between two people only become a problem when you let them. Now, I'm so happy we're together that these differences (that are definitely still there) don't even run through my mind anymore. I just appreciate what we have.
What finally made me realise that none of those things mattered was when I thought about how much I loved him. That was never the issue between us, see. I never loved him less or more than before, it was just everything else around us that was the problem. I just couldn't see why we shouldn't be together when I knew how happy I could be with him when everything was alright.
So somehow, things have gotten even better than before from there. This is definitely the strongest I've ever felt about him. And it seems to keep growing somehow.
He left for Korea ten days ago. I thought I'd be miserable when he went but I'm actually doing fine. Not that I don't miss him, obviously, but in a way I'm happy he's there. Not many twenty one year olds get the chance to be asked to do what he's doing. And I suppose not many seventeen year old girlfriends get the chance to visit them in Korea for a month...
Thursday, 25 May 2006
Thursday, 18 May 2006
10
10. Someone who can’t take their eyes off me. Everything else around them is a blur and all they can see is me. There’s a fiery glow around the edges of my body. They think I’m an angel.
9. Someone who loves me so much they’d do anything to be with me. They’d drive 250 miles to spend 30 minutes with me, and then drive 250 miles back again. They’d spend any money they have to come and see me.
8. Someone who thinks of me when they see or hear something. They’ll see a flower and bring it to me. They’ll send me a text message when they hear a song they know I like. They’ll buy me a packet of sweets because they think it’ll make me smile. Wherever they go without me they pick up souvenirs for me, like boxes of matches, and I know they were thinking about me.
7. Someone who knows what I’ll say before I say it. They’ll see me looking at them and they’ll respond before I even speak. They’ll know when to ask if everything’s alright. They’ll know not to ask when I look at them a certain way
6. Someone who knows what I’ll buy when I walk into a shop. They see an outfit and imagine me standing there in front of them, at the bar with a glass in my hand. They’ll know exactly how I want to feel in each outfit. They’ll know exactly how to talk to me.
5. Someone who loves the way I never let my guard down. My cards always pressed tightly against my chest. It doesn’t matter to them. They can see through the cards, but they let me believe it’s all a secret anyway.
4. Someone who can define every blink, every sigh, every touch, every smile. We can talk to each other in this way.
3. Someone who is so amazed by the way we make love that they want part of us to stay connected all night. They sleep with their arms around me; their mouth in my hair; their heart beating against my back. In the morning I can feel him against me and I know. Warm, gentle love.
2. Someone who wishes they didn’t think about things so far into the future. Wishes they didn’t see us being together forever. Wishes they didn’t want to wake up with me every morning now and for the rest of our lives. Someone who worries that they’re no match. Worries they’ll never make me as happy as someone else could.
1. Someone who looks across a crowded room and sees me instantly. Who knows how beautiful I am from the other side of the room. Who thinks that no one could compare.
With or without glasses.
9. Someone who loves me so much they’d do anything to be with me. They’d drive 250 miles to spend 30 minutes with me, and then drive 250 miles back again. They’d spend any money they have to come and see me.
8. Someone who thinks of me when they see or hear something. They’ll see a flower and bring it to me. They’ll send me a text message when they hear a song they know I like. They’ll buy me a packet of sweets because they think it’ll make me smile. Wherever they go without me they pick up souvenirs for me, like boxes of matches, and I know they were thinking about me.
7. Someone who knows what I’ll say before I say it. They’ll see me looking at them and they’ll respond before I even speak. They’ll know when to ask if everything’s alright. They’ll know not to ask when I look at them a certain way
6. Someone who knows what I’ll buy when I walk into a shop. They see an outfit and imagine me standing there in front of them, at the bar with a glass in my hand. They’ll know exactly how I want to feel in each outfit. They’ll know exactly how to talk to me.
5. Someone who loves the way I never let my guard down. My cards always pressed tightly against my chest. It doesn’t matter to them. They can see through the cards, but they let me believe it’s all a secret anyway.
4. Someone who can define every blink, every sigh, every touch, every smile. We can talk to each other in this way.
3. Someone who is so amazed by the way we make love that they want part of us to stay connected all night. They sleep with their arms around me; their mouth in my hair; their heart beating against my back. In the morning I can feel him against me and I know. Warm, gentle love.
2. Someone who wishes they didn’t think about things so far into the future. Wishes they didn’t see us being together forever. Wishes they didn’t want to wake up with me every morning now and for the rest of our lives. Someone who worries that they’re no match. Worries they’ll never make me as happy as someone else could.
1. Someone who looks across a crowded room and sees me instantly. Who knows how beautiful I am from the other side of the room. Who thinks that no one could compare.
With or without glasses.
Friday, 12 May 2006
making love
Surely there's a point when there's just nothing left inside either party. And then where does the love come from?
It's just sex. It feels like love and emotion but it's really just body parts that fit together nicely.
And any two people can fit together for a night.
I was naive to think that it should mean something.
It doesn't.
My hands are tied
My body bruised, he's got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
It's just sex. It feels like love and emotion but it's really just body parts that fit together nicely.
And any two people can fit together for a night.
I was naive to think that it should mean something.
It doesn't.
My hands are tied
My body bruised, he's got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
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