california dreamin

another date tonight. lucky me.
it went well, or, as well as a date can go when two people are just watching a screen for two hours. but there was some brief conversation in his car on the way home.
thursday went a lot better. fancy cocktail bars and cosy, romantic little corners. the live act at the vineyard sounded just like eddie vedder. i loved it. i tried a cosmopolitan for the first timei. perhpaps those cocktails are the reason it went so well though.
oh, and anthony. how i ignored him all night long. a "girls' night out" i told him. what's another lie added to the heap, though? and then there's tonight: "a chance for noah, isobel, william and i to catch up on things".
yeah right.
no recent word from jordan, but beau's name has been appearing on my phone screen. i think that's only so he doesn't lose his secure shag though.
and can i really revile him?
i figured out that my " "relationship" " (notice the double inverted commas) with him has lasted longer than any other relationship has with any other boy.
things with anthony are rocky at the moment. we are together, but only by accident, i think. sometimes i wonder how i'd feel if i were in his shoes, and he'd been cheating on me with various boys since the day our relationship started, literally.
i can't keep relying on his ignorance, though. i'll make a little mistake one day and he'll figure it out. it's inevitable.
i think, maybe, i want him to though. then i wouldn't have to keep playing along: painted smile; searing pain; unbearbable guilt. it'll be a cold, hard shock when it does happen though.
adam wants to go for a drive in the country on saturday. anthony comes home on friday. i said yes anyway. what's another broken promise added to the heap, afterall?
boys, boys, boys.
and yet not one makes me want to play golf in the rain.