I’m pretty pissed off because I spent my whole double free writing one big ass long entry yesterday and xanga wiped it – fucking twats.

Anyway.

To summarise what I wrote, Anthony is long long gone. He was long gone last time I wrote a proper entry but as always there was that small part of me left hoping he’d realise that he could never really leave me – he did promise that he’d always take care of me. He wouldn’t – couldn’t leave me. Could he?

…

I got a phonecall last week, at about midnight. He’s depressed again. Why can’t you talk to Victoria? - It’s not that sort of relationship – I thought she loved you? – She said she does – I think you should be talking to her right now – She doesn’t care, Hannah. Not like you do (long pause, while I bite my tongue)

Do you realise that the last time you made an effort to speak to me was when you came here two weeks ago? – Don’t pretend you didn’t like me being there

Is it the army again? – Just everything, really. Money, mates, Victoria. (long pause as I hear him take in a mouthful of smoke) I miss you Hannah. Everything’s falling apart again. I need you (and yet all through December he let me believe I was to blame for his nervous breakdown)

Go and see your doctor again. Blag some more time off so you can go to the pub every night and fuck behind Victoria’s back – Princess – What do you want, Anthony? (long, long pause)

I’m sorry. It wasn’t your fault. You were the only one who cared, tried to make it better. I’m sorry (unfortunately none of this was particularly satisfying because I’d known it since I found out about Alison)

You’ve moved on, Anthony. Let me.

It never hurt so much to hang up on him. All those times I was out with Adam in November and he’d ring – I’d hang up without thinking twice. I thought long and hard about him all -night.