mister christopher

i know i haven't written for a while and there's really no excuse since i've been doing nothing for the past twenty days. i've just felt totally derived of energy, as though every movement is like a task as consuming as climbing mount everest.
i suppose i haven't been doing nothing though; i've been out with my friends, mainly noah, i've been decorating my new room, and seeing beau.
i went out again with some friends last friday night and while i was standing at the bar beau appeared from nowhere and paid for my drink. we talked briefly and i saw some of the friends i made last year when i used to spend time with him. but i had a taxi to catch as me and my friends were off to another bar. when we eventually came back to the area i'd met him, i got a text asking me to meet him outside.
he'd been in a fight and was covered in blood, so i walked him to his dad's house, who happened to be out, totally ditching my friends without even saying goodbye. when we got there we went to the bathroom and he sat down on the edge of the bath tub while i sorted his face out; he had a number of cuts on his face and his nose was swollen.
while i was doing this it was sort of hard not to look at each other and it got quite awkward. he put his head down and he started to cry. i didn't know what to say, i just felt so much emotion it was hard to keep it in. i got on my knees and looked him in the face, wiping his tears away like everything was going to be alright. we had a cuddle and he seemed alright after a while, so i told him to change out of his t-shirt.
he got a top out of his wardrobe and i couldn't help but let out a little laugh. he asked me what it was, and i should have just said nothing, should have just told him some silly lie and perhaps nothing would have happened. but no, i told him it was funny because that was the t-shirt he wore last year when i went back to his mum's flat with him after a night out together. he smiled too and from there we started talking about last year and how good it felt and how much we missed each others' company.
somehow this conversation led to his dad's double bed and somehow we ended up taking our shoes off and lying back together. we kept talking until things got more and more intense and we looked at each other more and more and got closer and closer.
i can't remember who started the kissing, i just remember him pulling away, saying it was wrong and he felt guilty, just like i did a whole year ago. but i didn't stop, i kissed him again and he soon shut up. things just got more intense and the inevitable happened.
it was like desperate sex, even more passionate than it used to be with jordan. everything already hurt so much that the sex was harder and deeper than anything before.
i've never come like that before. i burst into tears and he just lay there with me not asking why, just holding me and stroking my hair for about ten minutes. i wanted to lie there all night with him, but it was two in the morning and my parents were probably wondering where i was.
he walked me home a bit later and we said goodbye in the same spot where we first kissed last year. it was literally two days away from being a year since the night we first kissed.
i was confused all of that night and talking to 'joe' on the phone didn't help. "where the fuck have you been?" "why the fuck was your phone switched off?" and i just wanted to tell him, afterall, maybe if i just told him he would leave me alone once and for all. but i didn't, i just acted totally normal as though nothing was wrong and i hadn't just been fucking another guy.
the next day i went to his mum's flat again and sat with him and his little brother. when he went to sleep we fucked again and he got me a taxi home. i think that by that night i'd made the decision to end things with 'joe' and start a relationship with beau. he'd been begging me all of saturday to leave 'joe' and be with him, and i think that i'd decided that was what i actually wanted.
on tuesday i went to see him again and as soon as i spoke to him i knew things were different. to cut a long story short his ex girlfriend monique was back on the seen and decided she loved him again. so even though i was there with him it was romantic, it wasn't sexy or exciting. just heart-breaking to know that i'd wound myself up fucking good and proper for no reason.
when i got home again i still told 'joe' i didn't love him anymore. i told him the truth; that i feel totally empty when i'm with him. but i feel empty all the time, maybe it's nothing to do with him.
i sure as hell didn't feel empty on those nights with beau though.