welcome to marlboro contry

it's been a few days since i updated and to be honest i've done pretty much fuck all since then.
on thursday after school broke up at lunch time i met my friend noah who was skipping school, and we went to newcastle. we haven't spent time alone like that for so long, when i think about it probably not since we used to walk home together after school in year 7, 8 and some of yr 9.
it felt so nice to feel so laid-back and relaxed with someone again.
with isobel conversation always feels so tense now because we both always feel guilty for not having spoken to each other for so long. we only speak to each other about once a week now.
with william we talk openly and honestly about pretty much everything, but he's so intense that it makes me feel uncomfortable sometimes. we have an erratic speaking pattern, sometimes we'll talk to each other every night for a week, and then other times we won't speak for weeks.
with noah though, it's pretty steady the way in which we talk to each other. this time last year i'd say he was the one out of all three of my close friends i was most distanced from, but since september last year i've probably talked to him more than any other friend. we speak a few nights a week about nothing in particular, and we also talk to each other this way. he reads what i write and i read what he writes and we don't judge, we just acknowledge whatever the other had said and keep it to ourselves. this kind of relationship requires a lot more trust i think than any other of my relationships with people, even if it is through cyberspace.
but on thursday it was just us two together in a city of thousands. we went to the laing, criticised and appreciated art, drank coffee together in the basement of starbucks, looked through books and dream dictionaries in waterstones, and i bought some marlboro lights.
while we were sitting in starbucks i sat back in the sofa with my coffee in my hands and i swear i felt more relaxed then than i have in months. why can't every day be like that?
on friday night i went out on the piss with some people i haven't seen in ages. beau was there. he was with a german foreign exchange student called lisa.
it's been almost a year since that night. that year's gone by so fast.
i left the pub at 1:30, and walked home. i remember sitting down on a stone wall and talking to 'joe' on the phone, and i was screaming that there were bugs everywhere, cockroaches crawling round my ankles and beetles in my hair.
he told me i needed help and i told him the truth, that i was already looking for it.
i smoked 17 cigarettes in the space of 7 hours.
i got home at 4:00.