love will tear us apart

i did my best not to text him yesterday - just the odd 'how r u?' or 'feeling any better?'
and i tried not to phone either. but what's a phone call asking what he's up to? just asking how he is, what he's doing, if he's ok. but apparantely that's part of the crime i've committed too. that and 'not being enough'.
the argument started when i asked him what i should do tonight.
what i said was: you're confusing me. i don't know where i stand. do i stay in washington tomorrow cos of the slightest chance i might get to see you? or do i go and have a laugh with my mates in durham? i want to see you but it's just going to make me feel worse if i wait to see you in concord and you don't come. you're the one who said i'm only young and i need to enjoy myself so what do i do? i don't want to spend tomorrow night in tears, wishing i was with you.
he didn't understand though, at least he didn't want to understand. i understand that he's in a weird place right now but i don't think he realises what it's doing to me. he's suffering? so am i.
and all this shit about needing space. he doesn't need space from anyone else but me. no no. he's quite happy to spend his mornings afternoons evenings and nights in a pub with all his friends. and when i text him i'm 'forcing him to think'.
what does he expect me to do while he's sorting his life out? (and everyone knows the pub's a brilliant place to do that isn't it?) he says he want a break from me. what does he expect me to do? he doesn't want me going out with my friends, he's specifically said he doesn't want me seeing beau (who has a new girlfriend now) and i'm not allowed to see him or talk to him either.
i haven't done anything else for the past year.
for the last week i've got up early, forced myself to go to school, got home and either slept or sat up straight on my black sofa looking at myself in the mirror, thinking.
another downward spiral looms. and i can't take that just now. there's too much in my life to think about, to worry about, to fret over and analyse.
i'm sat here at school writing this and somehow i can't believe i'm here and this is real. i feel so blurry and tired and empty and dead.
i don't believe that any of this real. it feels so impossible.
anyway.
on the phone, after our argument i told him that i can't take much more of this. i can't take being nothing to my boyfriend. he said that wasn't true and he asked him how the hell it wasn't true if hemeant everything he's said to me recently.
and then there was that infamous silence that seems to follow any significant queation i ask anyone.
i wept. still no answer. then i swore and screamed and shouted. another short silence and then he said i need to stop thinking about myself.
i told him we could leave it at that then, and hung up.
no word from either party since.