breaking the girl

i'm sorting of writing again today because of something i sort of picked up on.
since i went back to school i've become even more of a recluse than i was before - barely talking to anyone at all - only speaking when spoken to. it just feels like such a huge task to make conversation with people now, especially people who just laugh and scream and shout all through break and luchtime.
now i just avoid all that and take myself to the library to read or just sit and think in silence. i know it's not sociable. i even went to the extent this luchtime of walking all the way over to the far edge of the hockey pitch just to get some peace and quiet to sit and read.
i feel bad because there's one girl who's always been nice and always makes an effort to talk to me. it's like i'm being rude to her though, when i don't make the same effort back and finish our conversations early. it's as though i just can't speak though.
this morning in regestration i sat for twenty five minutes in a class room full of people before anyone spoke to me, and it was her - just asking me how i was. and when i replied my voice came out like a whisper - like it wasn't used to being used for conversation with any of these girls. it's not, i guess.
i do a lot of smiling - as though a smile can make do as a 'hey' or a 'thanks' or a 'yeah'. it doesn't make do though. not nearly enough.
there's just so many holes in me that everything i used to be is lying in puddles on the floor. and everyone keeps stepping in them - splashing little pieces of me away and away until they've gone so far they won't ever come back.
gone so far i'll never be me again.