with or without you

Anthony’s picking me up this afternoon, in about an hour or so. I think it’ll be weird speaking to him again – I feel as though he’s a different person now that I’ve found out that thing. I wish I knew why he did it. I could never ask him though. No matter how comfortable we are with each other, that would just be the most awkward thing ever. I texted ‘Beau’ last night, hinting for an invitation for me to come back to his place. I was only there for a minute or two though. I stood outside his door and he asked me to come inside – I looked at what was draped around his neck – those fucking golden boxing gloves. I just thought to myself – you fool. I mean for fucks sake, just that very same day I had been writing about how I hated being his sure thing. So, hours after saying that I go round there with the full intention of walking in and taking my clothes off for him again.I was ready – I had my white silk thong on, my white silk matching bra, shaved legs – everything was ready for him. And then I saw that fucking necklace and remembered how horrible it would feel a few days after the deed – the crime – the guilty venture. The awful words floating around my mind for weeks after – such a contemptible, shameful girl.He asked me to come in – I said no – he asked me why – I asked him what we were – he didn’t understand – I asked him if we were friends – and he said we were more than that – I asked him if we were a secret couple – and he said no – I asked him if I was his fuck buddy – he said nothing. I told him the only reason I kept coming back was because he made me feel special – he said it was the same for him – I called him a liar – he looked at me – I told him to ring me the next time he though about me – he said he’d be ringing me every minute – I laughed.I told him to be honest – his expression changed – we said goodnight – I walked away.I laughed and cried the whole way home.