mister christopher 2

i'm really seriously impressed with myself and how much work i've produced this week.
i'm going to make sure i don't fall behind in any more subjects so that i can have time to catch up on others - god knows when that'll be though.
i'm in my free now - and yes i'm going to do some work for once. after i've finished writing on here and downloading music of course.
anthony drove me to school this morning and he's picking me up at 3:00 so i don't have to go to English this afternoon. YEY!
his week off has flown by - he's at court on monday for his drink driving thing and then he's leaving. but he'll probably be home again next friday.
i hate it when he's not here for me cuddle and hold on to and make me feel safe. i just feel empty.
i used to think i felt so empty becasue of him - but i think i was wrong. now i think that maybe he's the only reason i'm not just a hollow shell that could crack any second.
i do love him.
i wish i could tell him about 'Beau'. i feel so guilty about it now - it's tearing my insides out every time i think back to those mistakes. they really were mistakes - big ones. i bet i'd do again though if the clocks turned back to that pivotal moment when he started crying in his bathroom.
what if i hadn't went back there with him? what if i hadn't cleaned the blood off his face? what if i hadn't held his head against my shoulder when he started to cry? and what if i hadn't been so fucking gullible.
what eighteen year old man starts to cry over a black eye? not a fucking amateur boxer with golden boxing gloves hanging round his neck - who was in more fights when we were younger than i could count on both hands.
hands all over each other before we realised what we were doing. we knew exactly what it would feel like - exactly how it would be in a few weeks; a few days even. that heavy tonne weight of guilt in the pits of our stomachs.
it happened anyway. tears, lies, lust, pain and pure desperation all mixed together. all that emotion and yet he was playing naked guitar for me moments later.
it was all just a cleverly planned setup to get me into his bed again.
ironically, jordan was the first person i really talked to about it. jordan, whose heart i broke just a year ago through the exact same act, with the very same person.
he told i was just one of those people who couldn't resist temptation. i tried to justify myself to him, tried to explain to him that i was tricked, but he told me that didn't matter. i still gave in.
so maybe i'm not as strong as other people. jordan's wrong though. i don't know why but i just know he's wrong. it's 'Beau'. he's the only person i have affairs with.
it's just so complicated. we've got so much history, but where did that all come from? what history is that exactly?
since i was nine i used to dream about marrying him when i was older. somehow i think we'll end up together somehow, someway. why else do we keep coming back to each other for more. but the timing's always wrong. maybe it won't be wrong forever though.
how do we know so much about each other? how can we tell exactly how the other is feeling all the time? how do we do that?
i wish, i really wish i knew. i don't want to be read like a book by him anymore. i want to become a mystery to him. i don't want to be his sure thing anymore, and i don't want him to offer himself to me as though he's my sure thing.
i hope that maybe one day we'll be able to see each other across a crowded room and think... good times.
not for a long time yet though.