walk on

i'm in my free again - first thing in the morning. i've started skipping assembly with some other girls in my class and i've realised that it makes the day go by a little faster and a little easier. i hope the day goes by fast today.
anthony left late last night - again. how many times am i going to hear myself say that? quite a few, i bet.
i didn't break down into hysterics like i did last time, but i was still sad - very sad. he's home on friday though, so i suppose it's not that bad. still - four days.
i spoke to 'beau' again. he rang me on sunday while i was with anthony and some friends, and i had to just talk down the phone as though i was speaking to my friend daniel. he knows the code for ringing me. he rings once, then if i can talk to him i ring him once, and then he rings me back. i was fuming with him. but anthony didn't seem to notice.
i rang him later to let him know how angry i was. he said he was sorry - he said he was thinking about me so he rang me like i told him - i asked him what he was thinking - he was wondering why i came round on thursday.
i told him i had a lapse in morals, but that they were back to their regular standards now - he said he was offended, he didn't realise that to see him i had to undergo a slip in my principles - i laughed - i asked him if that wasn't really what he had to do too. and he said nothing. he's good at saying nothing when it really matters.
after a while he told me not to kid myself - we'll always come back to each other somehow, in some strange way, whether we liked it or not.
i told him it would have to stop - he said it would - when he leaves for florida. i started to cry. he's leaving next year, when he gets his irish passport, to be with monique.
there's something i've never really understood about 'beau' and i. since we started being 'intimate' last july we've never really been happy in our relationships. last summer he was on the verge of a break up with monique, as was i with jordan, only i never really knew that at the time. we both wanted to be with each other then but neither of us could hurt the other party.
when he was single in october, and when i was just days away from being similarly so, we comforted each other with our lust for one another. thinking back, i can't think of a better method of comfort than that. i wanted him then, when all he wanted was to rebuild his relationship with monique.
and then in february when monique was long gone from 'beau's' life, and i was still hovering between relatioships, we had a chance to make something. he wanted to, he made several efforts to win me over - but 'hannah's boyfriend' was such a tough category to win back then. so many contenders, and 'beau' didn't make the cut.
and then there's this summer. monique has gone to florida now but 'beau' is pining for her, while i feel i'm dying inside with my relatioship with anthony. i was ready to give everything up and be with him, but he couldn't - monique was still on his mind.
so much sea-sawing, so many changed minds and unsettled claims. the timing is never right.
what i meant to say before all this drivel came out, was that i've never understood why we've never just opted for the easy way out: dropping monique, jordan, anthony, whoever, and simply starting a relationship with each other, finally.
but i suppose things are never really that simple.