i used to hate how much of a LAD he is

i feel so numb today. as though i'm made of ice, like an ice statue. only i have so many imperfections; so many chips and faults.
i know that anthony means what he says. he won't go back on what he's said this time. it's over. and there's no way of changing his mind.
but if only there was a way to.
how awful it will be when i'm packing his stuff up tonight - how long it will take. he's lived with me since january. what about his room? his old socks won't be lying around all over the place. no junk in his bedside drawers. no cans of beer in the fridge. his car will never again be parked on the drive. i'll never run down the street to meet him again.
god i'm so confused. i always thought that he was never the one for me. just for stupid reasons though, like his breath and the way he tasted when he kissed me. the way he would never lie with me after we made love, always needing to go somewhere or do something. the way i've picked up on his bad habits; the smoking, the drinking, the swearing. i used to hate how much of LAD he is.
and then there's all the things he did that made me melt, like how he would hold onto me like we were the only two people left on earth, so tight. the way he made all the pain go away for the couple of days he was home every weekend. the way that being with him made all my problems go away. the way he'd kiss my tears away if i cried. the way always knew exactly what to do to me.
i took him for granted.
he's my anthony though, how can it possibly be finished? it just can't be.
it can't.