sometimes you can't make it on your own

in my free now.
lets see. tuesday night i went to adam's house. the guilt's starting to get worse and worse now. every time we met things seem to get a little more out of hand, not in physical terms but in the way we look at each other, speak to each other... think of each other.
when i get out of his car after a night of being with him i forget about him until he texts me a couple of says later. i would never have done that a year or so ago. i've noticed this quite a lot lately. in the past i tended to suffocate people as though if i didn't hold onto them they'd disappear.
i did this to jordan. i held onto him, held him down, forced him to hang onto whatever it was that remained of our relationship. i knew he wanted to let go. i wouldn't let him though. and in the end he let me down. he forced me to let him go, and he left me alone. i even remember when it happened.
i had been crying while we were making love. he didn't ask why, he didn't want to know why. he already knew. but still, he said nothing. he knew i was in so much pain, hurting so much inside, and he didn't want to know. it had everything to do with him, and he pretended everything was fine, everything was normal.
i remember looking up at him, vision blurred with tears, realising the significance of the moment.
i lay next to him, his body curled around me. such a loving embrace in theory, but so empty in reality. that was the moment i let him go.
love had nothing to do with it. i didn't fall out of love in that instant. it took a while, i think we were still in love for weeks if not months after then. but i realised something. i can't put it into words. it was the reason i stopped running after him though. no more 5 hour phone calls and £200 phone bills and sleepless nights and football matches and playstation games and page 3 girls on the walls and cruel, vast, englufing emptiness.
he was asleep, his head against mine. i used dream about lying there with him like that. i slipped out of his embrace, go out of bed. he didn't stir. i put my clothes back on. it was dark outside. i left him and walked to the rusty green seat that looks over all of my town. i sat and watched the stars and the moon. there was no shooting star that night.
from then onwards i don't think i've ever made myself vulnerable like i did with jordan. i look at my relationship with anthony and wonder i can't give him what i gave to jordan. i gave him everything. anthony gave me everything a long time ago and yet i still can't manage to give him what he wants, what he deserves.
i'm so scared of committing to something. committing to anything. i can't take the pain of being let down. i give that pain to everyone i love now.
i had a dream last night. it was so real though. so so real.
i was standing at a platform, and he was on the other side. we made eye contact. i knew who he was. he stared harder at me. our eyes didn't move. you don't remember me, do you? he said.
i was numb.
no, i said. he smiled. his eyes. green eyes. still, after almost four years they were filled with the same hate and intent to hurt.
you haven't changed.
neither have you.
i think about it all the time, you know.
why?
it makes me feel powerful. i just looked at him, still smiling. i felt a tear roll over my cheek, so warm against my frozen skin.
i feel powerful now.
don't.
you know that just encourages me.
i hate you.
a train flew past us then and i woke up, shocked, surprised that i wasn't still standing at the platform.
i fucking hate him.