leeches

christ.
there's so much to say since i last wrote.
there always is though, i suppose.
and i'm too tired, too sore, too hurt and upset to be here and do anything.
a double free period this morning, then almost three hours sleep until lunch time. then this. sciving from PE.
i hate this place so so much. it's like a prison. blood sucking leeches posted at every classroom, every corridor.
i have no energy.
poor poor anthony. he's so unwell. inside and out.i hope he gets better soon.

leeches

christ.
there's so much to say since i last wrote.
there always is though, i suppose.
and i'm too tired, too sore, too hurt and upset to be here and do anything.
a double free period this morning, then almost three hours sleep until lunch time. then this. sciving from PE.
i hate this place so so much. it's like a prison. blood sucking leeches posted at every classroom, every corridor.
i have no energy.
poor poor anthony. he's so unwell. inside and out.i hope he gets better soon.

sometimes you can't make it on your own

in my free now.
lets see. tuesday night i went to adam's house. the guilt's starting to get worse and worse now. every time we met things seem to get a little more out of hand, not in physical terms but in the way we look at each other, speak to each other... think of each other.
when i get out of his car after a night of being with him i forget about him until he texts me a couple of says later. i would never have done that a year or so ago. i've noticed this quite a lot lately. in the past i tended to suffocate people as though if i didn't hold onto them they'd disappear.
i did this to jordan. i held onto him, held him down, forced him to hang onto whatever it was that remained of our relationship. i knew he wanted to let go. i wouldn't let him though. and in the end he let me down. he forced me to let him go, and he left me alone. i even remember when it happened.
i had been crying while we were making love. he didn't ask why, he didn't want to know why. he already knew. but still, he said nothing. he knew i was in so much pain, hurting so much inside, and he didn't want to know. it had everything to do with him, and he pretended everything was fine, everything was normal.
i remember looking up at him, vision blurred with tears, realising the significance of the moment.
i lay next to him, his body curled around me. such a loving embrace in theory, but so empty in reality. that was the moment i let him go.
love had nothing to do with it. i didn't fall out of love in that instant. it took a while, i think we were still in love for weeks if not months after then. but i realised something. i can't put it into words. it was the reason i stopped running after him though. no more 5 hour phone calls and £200 phone bills and sleepless nights and football matches and playstation games and page 3 girls on the walls and cruel, vast, englufing emptiness.
he was asleep, his head against mine. i used dream about lying there with him like that. i slipped out of his embrace, go out of bed. he didn't stir. i put my clothes back on. it was dark outside. i left him and walked to the rusty green seat that looks over all of my town. i sat and watched the stars and the moon. there was no shooting star that night.
from then onwards i don't think i've ever made myself vulnerable like i did with jordan. i look at my relationship with anthony and wonder i can't give him what i gave to jordan. i gave him everything. anthony gave me everything a long time ago and yet i still can't manage to give him what he wants, what he deserves.
i'm so scared of committing to something. committing to anything. i can't take the pain of being let down. i give that pain to everyone i love now.
i had a dream last night. it was so real though. so so real.
i was standing at a platform, and he was on the other side. we made eye contact. i knew who he was. he stared harder at me. our eyes didn't move. you don't remember me, do you? he said.
i was numb.
no, i said. he smiled. his eyes. green eyes. still, after almost four years they were filled with the same hate and intent to hurt.
you haven't changed.
neither have you.
i think about it all the time, you know.
why?
it makes me feel powerful. i just looked at him, still smiling. i felt a tear roll over my cheek, so warm against my frozen skin.
i feel powerful now.
don't.
you know that just encourages me.
i hate you.
a train flew past us then and i woke up, shocked, surprised that i wasn't still standing at the platform.
i fucking hate him.

mr scientist man

it's been a while again since i wrote.
more has happened this time.
anthony left last wednesday and he's home tomorrow night.
there was a house party on friday night. lots of drink, lots of boys, lots of loudness and music and cigarettes and joints and... just a really good time. it took a while, but i felt like i could relax and have fun and not worry. i ignored anthony all night though, afterall, that's what i seem to have to do if i want to have a good time. pretend anthony doesn't exist.
there was a pretty boy at the party too - whatever the hell his name was. at one point i woke up to find myself wrapped up in a sheepskin rug with some lad with the nickname 'blackie'. he was nice though - he works with children with disabilities.
saturday i slept, sunday i shopped - with noah. we drank our macchiatos and mochas like students and walked around with no weights on our shoulders. i love going to newcastle with noah.
then there's yesterday - last night to be exact. another date with adam, the first in almost two weeks. we went to the old man's pub again and talked. i can’t put my finger on it but there’s something there with me and him. something grown up and proper. it scares me a little bit but then it goes away and i wonder what i’m doing there with him.
i ignored anthony all night long too. he wasn't happy. not happy at all.
i wish i could open my mouth and tell him i'm cheating on him - i'd love to do that just to shut him up and make him fuck off. i know i won't though.
i'm too scared he means what he said "i'll end up doing time if you ever go behind my back"
what can i say?
oops.

a fringe covers everything

it's been an unusual past few days.
since thursday anthony's been apologetic and sweet, and pissed half the time too. on friday night i went for a meal with some girlfriends and anthony was going out with his friends for a lads night out.
i happened to go out after my meal, in the same area anthony was meant to. i didn't look for him though. instead, i stayed with joy and yvonne and eventually met up with beau.
i'm not sure, maybe it's becasue i'd only drank two bottles, but when i saw him i just thought to myself, 'why do i lower myself to that?'
i was standing in the corner by the cigarette machine, and he was by the bar. i saw him walk in, i always notice him first. i stood and watched him for a minute or two before he looked around and his eyes drifted over me. he caught sight of me and turned back to the bar. and then he turned around quickly and looked at me again. he walked towards me, bringing his drink with him.
he touched my new hair and said he barely recognised me. he was wearing the same old jeans with the same old shirt and the same old shoes. he stood out a mile to me.
he asked what happened with me and anthony, said he'd talked to my sister yesterday and heard the news. i told him it was barely news: we'd broken up; it wasn't the end of the world, i lied.
he looked at me the way he does when he's had a drink and it's coming up to closing time. he said i'd changed since the last time he'd seen me. new hair, new me i said. he told me it was more than that. maybe... i mumbled.
i'm so sick of having hidden-meaning conversations with beau. why the fuck can't we just come out and say what we're really thinking for once?
maybe the half a pill i'd taken earlier was kicking in, but for some reason i felt comfortable in my little corner by the cigarette machine, and beau was ruining it. i said i'd better get back to my friends, and he said similar. we looked at each other again and he told me that i'd never been as beautiful as i was at that moment.
i smiled and said his friends were waiting, and turned away from him. i didn't dare turn around again, but i felt him kiss my cheek from behind me.
i missed anthony.
i missed him so so much.

i used to hate how much of a LAD he is

i feel so numb today. as though i'm made of ice, like an ice statue. only i have so many imperfections; so many chips and faults.
i know that anthony means what he says. he won't go back on what he's said this time. it's over. and there's no way of changing his mind.
but if only there was a way to.
how awful it will be when i'm packing his stuff up tonight - how long it will take. he's lived with me since january. what about his room? his old socks won't be lying around all over the place. no junk in his bedside drawers. no cans of beer in the fridge. his car will never again be parked on the drive. i'll never run down the street to meet him again.
god i'm so confused. i always thought that he was never the one for me. just for stupid reasons though, like his breath and the way he tasted when he kissed me. the way he would never lie with me after we made love, always needing to go somewhere or do something. the way i've picked up on his bad habits; the smoking, the drinking, the swearing. i used to hate how much of LAD he is.
and then there's all the things he did that made me melt, like how he would hold onto me like we were the only two people left on earth, so tight. the way he made all the pain go away for the couple of days he was home every weekend. the way that being with him made all my problems go away. the way he'd kiss my tears away if i cried. the way always knew exactly what to do to me.
i took him for granted.
he's my anthony though, how can it possibly be finished? it just can't be.
it can't.

lucky man

god i've made such a huge mistake. i could feel him slipping away, all this time i've known how i hurt him so, and i didn't care.
he's always been there for me, and i've always pushed him and pushed him further and further away, trying to test just how much he can take.
he's right. i don't care about anyone but myself.
look what i do to the people i love; look what i did to the one person who actually means something to me.
i'm so cruel. so fake. so fucking selfish.