date number four went very very well. so well that date number five has been moved forward to tonight. drinks and 'a cup of coffee back at his house afterwards'.
i felt like i was being truly wined and dined last night. dinner at coco mo's then drinks at bar 55 and apartment.
when we walked up to apartment the bouncer stopped us and i thought shit, it's cos he knows i'm underage. but instead he rolled out a red carpet and said a pretty girl like me had to walk in in style.
my smile beamed i was so flattered.
we talked about so many things, so many real things that haven't even come up in conversation with me and anthony. i felt so relaxed and as though my every word was considered and appreciated.
he's picking me up in half an hour.
must go and get ready.
Sunday 31 October 2004
Thursday 28 October 2004
all the tired horses
date number three last night. and it went well, better than the last two. perhpas the alcohol played a factor again though.
we talked a lot more this time, and i learnt about his life, his past and where he wants to go and what he wants to do. he asked me those questions too, but all i could give him were confusing, vague, incomplete answers.
he said i was frustrating. i knew what he meant.
we walked home together in the rain, hand to ourselves. when we said goodbye, he went to kiss me again. this time i didn't stop him, i just watched his face come closer to mine and i felt his lips move against mine. i made no movement whatsoever though.
that's the first time a kiss has made me blush, and I’m sure that even in the rain he could see my cheeks were glowing. he said he understood; he could see that i was one of those good girls who were hard to come across. i laughed hard on the inside, for his choice of words and the irony of it. if only he knew what sort of 'good girl' i am.
i just smiled and looked at the floor. he said he'd like to get to know me better before things started going too fast for me. i wasn't quite sure what he meant. but i just nodded.
date number four will be dinner on saturday evening, which work's out well because anthony's home for tonight and tomorrow morning, but then he's on guard duty from tomorrow night until next friday.
perhaps that will give us time to 'get to now each other better'.
i hope so.
we talked a lot more this time, and i learnt about his life, his past and where he wants to go and what he wants to do. he asked me those questions too, but all i could give him were confusing, vague, incomplete answers.
he said i was frustrating. i knew what he meant.
we walked home together in the rain, hand to ourselves. when we said goodbye, he went to kiss me again. this time i didn't stop him, i just watched his face come closer to mine and i felt his lips move against mine. i made no movement whatsoever though.
that's the first time a kiss has made me blush, and I’m sure that even in the rain he could see my cheeks were glowing. he said he understood; he could see that i was one of those good girls who were hard to come across. i laughed hard on the inside, for his choice of words and the irony of it. if only he knew what sort of 'good girl' i am.
i just smiled and looked at the floor. he said he'd like to get to know me better before things started going too fast for me. i wasn't quite sure what he meant. but i just nodded.
date number four will be dinner on saturday evening, which work's out well because anthony's home for tonight and tomorrow morning, but then he's on guard duty from tomorrow night until next friday.
perhaps that will give us time to 'get to now each other better'.
i hope so.
Monday 25 October 2004
california dreamin
another date tonight. lucky me.
it went well, or, as well as a date can go when two people are just watching a screen for two hours. but there was some brief conversation in his car on the way home.
thursday went a lot better. fancy cocktail bars and cosy, romantic little corners. the live act at the vineyard sounded just like eddie vedder. i loved it. i tried a cosmopolitan for the first timei. perhpaps those cocktails are the reason it went so well though.
oh, and anthony. how i ignored him all night long. a "girls' night out" i told him. what's another lie added to the heap, though? and then there's tonight: "a chance for noah, isobel, william and i to catch up on things".
yeah right.
no recent word from jordan, but beau's name has been appearing on my phone screen. i think that's only so he doesn't lose his secure shag though.
and can i really revile him?
i figured out that my " "relationship" " (notice the double inverted commas) with him has lasted longer than any other relationship has with any other boy.
things with anthony are rocky at the moment. we are together, but only by accident, i think. sometimes i wonder how i'd feel if i were in his shoes, and he'd been cheating on me with various boys since the day our relationship started, literally.
i can't keep relying on his ignorance, though. i'll make a little mistake one day and he'll figure it out. it's inevitable.
i think, maybe, i want him to though. then i wouldn't have to keep playing along: painted smile; searing pain; unbearbable guilt. it'll be a cold, hard shock when it does happen though.
adam wants to go for a drive in the country on saturday. anthony comes home on friday. i said yes anyway. what's another broken promise added to the heap, afterall?
boys, boys, boys.
and yet not one makes me want to play golf in the rain.
it went well, or, as well as a date can go when two people are just watching a screen for two hours. but there was some brief conversation in his car on the way home.
thursday went a lot better. fancy cocktail bars and cosy, romantic little corners. the live act at the vineyard sounded just like eddie vedder. i loved it. i tried a cosmopolitan for the first timei. perhpaps those cocktails are the reason it went so well though.
oh, and anthony. how i ignored him all night long. a "girls' night out" i told him. what's another lie added to the heap, though? and then there's tonight: "a chance for noah, isobel, william and i to catch up on things".
yeah right.
no recent word from jordan, but beau's name has been appearing on my phone screen. i think that's only so he doesn't lose his secure shag though.
and can i really revile him?
i figured out that my " "relationship" " (notice the double inverted commas) with him has lasted longer than any other relationship has with any other boy.
things with anthony are rocky at the moment. we are together, but only by accident, i think. sometimes i wonder how i'd feel if i were in his shoes, and he'd been cheating on me with various boys since the day our relationship started, literally.
i can't keep relying on his ignorance, though. i'll make a little mistake one day and he'll figure it out. it's inevitable.
i think, maybe, i want him to though. then i wouldn't have to keep playing along: painted smile; searing pain; unbearbable guilt. it'll be a cold, hard shock when it does happen though.
adam wants to go for a drive in the country on saturday. anthony comes home on friday. i said yes anyway. what's another broken promise added to the heap, afterall?
boys, boys, boys.
and yet not one makes me want to play golf in the rain.
Thursday 21 October 2004
space between
i'm in my free now. i haven't written for a while, and the last time i wrote i thought i'd never be writing again.
perhaps i'm manic depressive, afterall, there's so many times when i feel as though i'd rather die than talk to another human being or breathe in another breath of this dead air circulating around me.
and then there's all the times when i feel like the world is a big bean bag that i'm sitting on top of: everything in control, everything to my liking, no painful reminders of late coursework or forgotten phone calls or people i have disappointed.
i fluctuate between the two, sometimes multiple times in a day, sometimes once a month.
half term begins today. i need it so badly too.
got a date tonight - adam - a 'research chemist for international paints'.
i know the butterflies aren't for the nerves - they're for the guilt.
perhaps i'm manic depressive, afterall, there's so many times when i feel as though i'd rather die than talk to another human being or breathe in another breath of this dead air circulating around me.
and then there's all the times when i feel like the world is a big bean bag that i'm sitting on top of: everything in control, everything to my liking, no painful reminders of late coursework or forgotten phone calls or people i have disappointed.
i fluctuate between the two, sometimes multiple times in a day, sometimes once a month.
half term begins today. i need it so badly too.
got a date tonight - adam - a 'research chemist for international paints'.
i know the butterflies aren't for the nerves - they're for the guilt.
Tuesday 12 October 2004
amsterdam
sweet sixteen - nine hours.
what a joke.
i'm so sad. so unbelievably sad. everything is so wrong today. maybe anthony will be there when i get home - maybe he won't. maybe the school have rang my dad - maybe they haven't. maybe i'll kill myself tonight - who knows?
i'm so sick of life now. i feel like there's just no point in anything i do. it's never right; never the way it should be; never done properly.
i'm just giving myself away, piece by piece by piece: pieces of me lying about all over the place. like a candle that's been alight for years, melting from the inside out.
i'm just a puddle on the floor.
what a joke.
i'm so sad. so unbelievably sad. everything is so wrong today. maybe anthony will be there when i get home - maybe he won't. maybe the school have rang my dad - maybe they haven't. maybe i'll kill myself tonight - who knows?
i'm so sick of life now. i feel like there's just no point in anything i do. it's never right; never the way it should be; never done properly.
i'm just giving myself away, piece by piece by piece: pieces of me lying about all over the place. like a candle that's been alight for years, melting from the inside out.
i'm just a puddle on the floor.
Tuesday 5 October 2004
shoe (singular)
I know it's been ages since i wrote - apologies - but quite a lot has happend.
got inebriated on friday night. me and anthony went out together but ended up separating somehow. he gave me his bank card, i took out £80, i found 'beau', we went to the ranch, then it gets a bit blurry, but then i walked to 'beau's' with him, stood in a flower pot on the way, got stuck, lost my shoe, got to 'beau's', fucked, walked home, had a fight with anthony.
while we were lying in bed together at his house, he told me i was nolonger that sweet innocent girl he used to love so much. i said that was because we keep insisting on fucking each other. how can i seem innocent if he fucks me every couple of months. he got angry, he told me to sort my life out, told me i wasn't even sixteen yet and looked as though i'd been dragged though thirty years of cold, hard, life. i just laughed and told him to take a look at himself.
i said that the only thing that was stopping us from being together was his pointless love for monique. he got angrier. i said she'd probably fucked someone else by now, since she did that to him last time.
he punched his wall and threw his glass of water at the mirror.
i got dressed, i left, i walked home, shoe (singular) in hand.
got inebriated on friday night. me and anthony went out together but ended up separating somehow. he gave me his bank card, i took out £80, i found 'beau', we went to the ranch, then it gets a bit blurry, but then i walked to 'beau's' with him, stood in a flower pot on the way, got stuck, lost my shoe, got to 'beau's', fucked, walked home, had a fight with anthony.
while we were lying in bed together at his house, he told me i was nolonger that sweet innocent girl he used to love so much. i said that was because we keep insisting on fucking each other. how can i seem innocent if he fucks me every couple of months. he got angry, he told me to sort my life out, told me i wasn't even sixteen yet and looked as though i'd been dragged though thirty years of cold, hard, life. i just laughed and told him to take a look at himself.
i said that the only thing that was stopping us from being together was his pointless love for monique. he got angrier. i said she'd probably fucked someone else by now, since she did that to him last time.
he punched his wall and threw his glass of water at the mirror.
i got dressed, i left, i walked home, shoe (singular) in hand.
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