adam's been gone since friday morning. we went for a night out together on thursday - st. patrick's day - (50p tequila shots) and then i stayed with him that night. it was probably one of the best nights we've had i think, even though he was leaving within a few hours. how strange.

i'm severely moneyless so another night out on friday was out of the question. instead, i went to my friend's house. there was loads of us there like there always is. all my 'big brothers'. got pissed on other peoples' drink, got stoned on other peoples' joints. it was good.

it sounds weird, but big sisters male friends all look after me and make me feel safe, and they make sure i'm having a good time too. they put me on a pedastool as though no one deserves
me, no one quite compares. it's unnerving.

when i got up to leave, three of them stood up and insisted on walking me home. i've learned not to protest. we were walking down the front street when i saw stu sitting in his car. he's one anthony's friends who live at 'the flat', where i knew anthony would be.

he wound down his window and we started chatting, and he offered me a lift home. after much debate, the big brothers let me be. they know who stu is, so they weren't too perplexed by the idea.

in the car, there was little talk really. stu is sweet, but quiet, and doesn't really meet the grade if you know what i mean. he did say one thing though. we were just outside my house. 'he's got no idea what he's lost hannah. he's made the biggest mistake of his life; everyone knows that but him.'

i smiled politely, somewhat pissed off that everyone seems to think it plays on my mind so much that i need constant consoling.

i wished adam was there so we could lie down by the fire and let our cups of tea get cold.

the boy

since sunday i've been working non-stop. finished most of it last night though. got to see adam again, for the first time since sunday morning.

what a fucking tit i was on saturday night.

we were lying in bed talking last night and i apologised to him for the way i acted on saturday and for ruining it all. he didn't say anything. i think he was letting me know that i had every right to feel like a tit.

he mentioned the fact that it will months before we get the chance to have a night alone like that again. was that him subtley pointing out that he'd have to wait even longer now? i think he's getting sick of it. i am too.

he's going to korea tomorrow morning - for two weeks. i'll miss him not being here. i'll miss him. a lot. i always need a boy to lean on. either emotionally or physically.

maybe this one's more than that though

three words

last night was 'the night' me and adam had been waiting for for more than a month now. and i managed to fuck it right up.

his parents were at a wedding in bristol - the house to ourselves. it was going so well: he made me dinner, we had grown up conversation, we sat in the conservatory, we listened to music, and he poured me red wine.

i remember sitting with him in his conservatory, watching the words flow out of his mouth. he's such a beautiful person.

and the music! of all the albums in the world he could play he chose that one. he seems to know so many things about me that i've never come close to explaining.

i wish i hadn't drank so much. wine all over his carpet - stains on your carpet, like stains on the scenery.

of course he stopped drinking long before i did, and by the time we got into bed i was having trouble acting normal.

i thought i was so ready, but i was just so nervous.

he says things to me that make me feel as beautiful as he is. but then why do i feel like it's all one big lie? i always hide my face from him, so that he can't see my smile, or my sad expression. he doesn't realise who i really am. i'm ugly.

i don't remember my new specially-selected-for-that-night black underwear coming off. nor do i remember how close we apparantely came to making love for the first time. i saw the empty packet when i woke up at 7am and my heart sank - had i missed it? he assured me i hadn't - we hadn't.

we'd been waiting so long for that night and i fucked it up. what a fucking idiot.

we lay in bed all day today - until about 4 this afternoon. my intestinal fortitude were churning - as though the way that my body's urges overruled my head was too much for my stomach to take.

i'm so lucky he's such a gentleman.

when we both eventually got out of bed and started to get ready, he put his arms around me and i put my head against his chest.

i swear i heard him whisper three words. but of course i pretended i didn't.

what if i was meant to hear them though?

the young american

oh, the shit that's surfaced recently.

so much shit. all landing right on top of me.

adam searched this site and found it. read everything. that's why some entries are private now. he texted me on tuesday afternoon asking if he could come round early cos we needed to talk. i had no idea it was about this though.

so who are you then? neon princess, with your pretty lies.

i actually froze. i actually felt the icey chill trickle from the top of my skull down to the tips of my toes. my mouth wouldn't open, my eyes wouldn't close, my head wouldn't turn. and all the time his stare was fixed directly between my eyes.

there was a lot of silence for a while.

he said one of the worst things he read was this:
...then he looks at me and tells me he's falling for me.
What The Fuck?
i felt guilty. he's not falling for me at all. just the person i let him believe i am...

i didn't know what to say to him. i felt a large brick in the centre of my stomach, weighing me down, pulling me to the floor. where i fucking belong.

we went to the pub for my sister's birthday later on. as though nothing had happened. as though he had no recollection of these dirty pages. nothing.

i got pissed on mai tais and long island ice teas. adam soberly drove me home at about midnight. i invited him in for 'tea', which grew stone cold while we messed around on my living room carpet.

yesterday i went to a conference in newcastle with school. i already know how much trouble i'm in, but my parents had none whatsoever. they were informed and that's why i didn't want to go home after the conference. adam was at uni, so i met him at 6 and we went for a drink together.
when i was on my own, i walked past a debate going on at the top of northumbria street. i turned around and stood and listened for about half an hour. it was about god.

i envied the young american spreading the message of greatness, love, faith, hope, glory. i wished i could feel those things as intensely as he obviously does. just to feel them at all would be good enough.

to feel loved solely for being me.

to belong.

captivating, graceful, innocent

i thought maybe i could squeeze in a quick entry.

more has happened, yet again. much more though. friday night was hilarious, again. me, tanya and noah got steadily pissed, not on a par with the week before mind, but still pretty far gone.
ran into alison. nuff said.

we met up with adam close to closing time, and he followed us to another bar and then we all ended up at my house. in bed, we took things a bit further than we have so far. it felt good. i'll say that much. no S-E-X though.

we were lying together, naked for the first time, hands everywhere. then he looks at me and tells me he's falling for me.

What The Fuck?

i felt guilty. he's not falling for me at all. just the person i let him believe i am.

i remember looking at the clock and seeing it was 5 in the morning. then closing my eyes and falling asleep, naked with someone i really cared about. i felt so peaceful. until 7 when i had to get because house viewers were coming round.

he makes me feel special in a glamorous way, not like anthony ever did or could. he really is... special.

"captivating, graceful, innocent...."

anthony rang me on tuesday night. 'what's wrong?' 'i just haven't had the chance to ring you. i haven't got long hannah' 'where are you?' 'i'm at the flat' 'ah, right. are you ok? how did it go on moday? (the trial for his court case)'

i heard a girl's voice shouting up the stairs of the flat 'hiya' in an annoying high-pitched squeak. victoria. it made me think about all the times that used to be me.

'i've got to go hannah-' 'yeah' and i hung up on him.

he rang me again on wednesday lunchtime. the trial didn't go too well. he was found guilty - eighteen month ban from driving, £600 fine and to top it all off he was arrested the second he walked out of court for being AWOL from the army for the past two months. he spent the night in jail on monday and on tuesday he got taken back to his new base at catterick to sort everything out.

my heart was bleeding all afternoon.

he rang again at six and then again at ten and i can't help but think that this is wrong, and yet at the same time i'm so glad that he's rang me and he's talking to me. afterall who knows when we'll speak again?

don't judge me. i know it's wrong. i'm only really hurting myself though - and god, i'm so good at it though.

ghb and nipples

i was so tired when i woke up this morning. i can't see why though, i mean i spent practically the whole weekend in bed.

friday was very fun. i went out with noah and tanya again and we did a lot of talking and laughing and relaxing. i feel like i can't do that with anyone else. it's strange. maybe the alcohol plays a factor in it all but then why do i share the most intimate details of my life with noah every other day of the week? i just can't explain it.

i saw a lot of people i knew again. i lost tanya and noah at about midnight, but found adam. i made such a tit out of myself. god knows how many times i was picked up off the floor. god knows how many times my nipples were on show. fucking ghb.

i remember seeing him and grabbing him - while he was in the middle of talking to his friends - and kissing him without even saying a word to him. god, where were my inhibitions that night?
later on i saw anthony's friends martin and julian. we talked and they seemed genuinely concerned about me. julian told me i'd find someone who'd treat me better someday. i smiled carefully and even though i could barely stand i remember thinking to myslef you have absolutely no idea. none of them know the whole story. not one of them.

i looked over at adam then. i introduced them to each other. julian looked at me differently then. i wondered if he was thinking he'd spoken too soon.

when we got home we lay down together in front of the fire. in the morning so many things crossed my mind and i had to think hard to remember exactly what happened with adam before we got into bed - which i don't remember doing.

fuck knows.