Friday 4 January 2008

atoms

there have been a number of changes to my outlook this year. i'd like to think i'm not quite the same confused, melancholy person i was some time ago. i think i've viewed everything this year with the potential to be amazing, and maybe that paid off. she still makes the odd appearance now and then but they're few and far between and sometimes i think it's important to have something to act as a contrast against the shiny new me. the odd insight into the frightening world of that girl is enough to make me pull myself together again.

i've definitely had a few lessons in life this year. love - continued, reinforced. euphoria - synthetic or otherwise. acceptance - among others but more importantly with myself for the first time. defeat - on a national and household level. and death. this one surprised me a bit. i thought i had acceded cessation and its consequences but even now having faced it on a closer, more personal level, i'm still not exactly sure what i'm supposed to feel or think about it.

people often talk about experiencing a 'wake-up call' after losing someone or facing their own mortality. i suppose the latter is altogether a different argument but it fits into the design of this entry. these people are suddenly alerted to the fact that time is ticking and they need to live every day as if it's their last and all that nauseating shit.

i think it may have done the opposite for me. i'm aware just how capricious life can be but also how atomic everyday is. it's not futile - just think of all those beautiful moments of elation and despair that exist for eternity inside someone. it seems crystal clear to me now that life simply is and then simply isn't. maybe that's not enough for some people but i like to think it has an elusive appeal.