Lately, I’ve been trying to lower my expectations so that when you disappoint me, as you do quite frequently, the disappointment won’t show on my face. It still makes me want to cry, but it’s become so comical to me: that surprised/sad/guilty look on your face; that tone in your voice. It’s always there looking at me inquisitively after you’ve just put in the shittiest amount of effort possible for me.
The funniest thing though, is when I see you and your dad pulling that ridiculous face together. Now that does make me laugh out loud. Like two naughty little boys. It’s like you’re both afraid that you’re in trouble, but not enough so to make you care enough about what you did/didn’t do or who you did/didn’t do it to to stop you from putting any extra effort in next time. You’re just not made that way are you? It’s really quite pathetic.
Example: Your dad took a shower on a Sunday morning (at about noon after waking your mum up at dawn so he could watch the cricket in bed) and left the bathroom window open to air it out. That was very nice (and rare) of him. Then when it flung wide open and blew a gale through the house it blew you mums things out the window.
You stood there with your mum watching the gale outside and you had that face on. And you made excuses for him. And that tone was in your voice. You actually told her not be mad at him. I looked at you in disbelief, somewhat amused/incensed. Was this your mum’s fault? You somehow shifted it that way.
Meanwhile I got distracted when I saw your dad (ten minutes after the window flung open) go outside with a weatherproof jacket and a cap on to stop him from getting wet or making his hair untidy, to try and find any of the things that had blown (further now, after ten minutes) away. I had to laugh then.
That look on your face: so wounded! But only for your dad. Not for your mum. Never for your mum. Never for me either.
I like to see the way that you act guilty even before I’ve reacted to whatever shitty thing you’ve just done. It makes me wonder why you do it when you already know that it’s going to hurt me. But you don’t really care, do you? No.
It’s soul-crushing, and I mean that honestly. I blame myself though, for thinking you might not do it this time; this time he’ll come through. But no.
I think we’re having 2 different relationships. Forgive me if I’m wrong (and yes I may only be 18, but I have been with you for 2 years now) but shouldn’t a relationship be part of your life? The main part, even? It is for me, and you know it is. For you though, I am what interests you when everything else that interests you doesn’t at that exact moment in time appeal to you. Like a doll that a little girl only picks up when it suits her.
Example: You will get home, make your cup of tea, turn on friends, wait for your cup of tea to cool down, drink it (all), and then (if your phone just so happens to be in your pocket so that you don’t have to get up) you’ll send me a message asking how I am. And that is the only programme you would text me during, because you know all the plot lines anyway. You wouldn’t text me during anything else. Not even in the adverts, just in case you got distracted when it came back on and you missed a little bit.
Now, I won’t just unzip my steely mouth into a pretty little smile so that you don’t have to ask me what’s wrong (when you fully know anyway). Now, I feel like letting you know (even when you already know I know that you know).
I'm making a conscious effort to treat you the way you treat me. Does it feel nice? Cos I'm really quite sick of feeling like a fool.
Friday 8 December 2006
Tuesday 17 October 2006
it can't come quuickly enough
Sailling through the tunnels, In the morning by yourself, There's a very special feeling, True sensation all is well, If you stand and reach your arms out wide, Close your eyes and try to fly, It's an underground illusion, Tricking you from side to side
We knew all the answers, And we shouted them like anthems, Anxious and suspicious, That God knew how much we cheated
It can't come quickly enough, And now you've spent your life, Waiting for this moment, And when you finally saw it come, It passed you by and left you so defeated
Skyscrapers rise between us, Keeping me from finding you, If the concrete architecture dissapeared there'd be so few of us left to navigate and defend ourselves from the tide, It's an underground illusion, Tricking you from side to side
There's no indication of What we were meant to be, Sucking up to strangers, Throwing wishes to the sea
It can't come quickly enough, And now you've spent your life, Waiting for this moment, And when you finally saw it come, It passed you by and left you so defeated
We knew all the answers, And we shouted them like anthems, Anxious and suspicious, That God knew how much we cheated
It can't come quickly enough, And now you've spent your life, Waiting for this moment, And when you finally saw it come, It passed you by and left you so defeated
Skyscrapers rise between us, Keeping me from finding you, If the concrete architecture dissapeared there'd be so few of us left to navigate and defend ourselves from the tide, It's an underground illusion, Tricking you from side to side
There's no indication of What we were meant to be, Sucking up to strangers, Throwing wishes to the sea
It can't come quickly enough, And now you've spent your life, Waiting for this moment, And when you finally saw it come, It passed you by and left you so defeated
Sunday 15 October 2006
kidnapped by carbon monoxide
It worries me that I'm back here.
Why is it that every now and then people simply lose control over their state of... being? Those moments frighten the life out of me - when it suddenly dawns on you that something rooted deep inside you has more control over you than your head does. Maybe your heart as well. And yet lately the longest it's been able to last for is half a day at the most. It's been so long now since it was a day in, day out battle of endurance that whenever it does come it's as though a black mist chases and engulfs me, and eventually suffocates me.
I never used to panic when it happened, but now I do. I know better now. It feels like a physical injury. It feels like my chest is caving in. It feels like my limbs have been drugged. It feels like I will never know what all the good feelings feel like anymore.
And then I become so tired and dream-like. As though I've been kidnapped by carbon monoxide. He sets himself to work at making me believe that this is what I'm destined to feel. And I'm so tired. And he makes it feel as though it would be pointless to try and snap out of it.
All that's left is for Stockholme Syndrome to set in and then I'll never want to leave this state of being. I'll believe that it's really everyone else who is on the outside. I'm right where I belong.
See? It's so, so easy to be pulled into it. You'd think there'd be an element of choice involved. I honestly don't know.
Why is it that every now and then people simply lose control over their state of... being? Those moments frighten the life out of me - when it suddenly dawns on you that something rooted deep inside you has more control over you than your head does. Maybe your heart as well. And yet lately the longest it's been able to last for is half a day at the most. It's been so long now since it was a day in, day out battle of endurance that whenever it does come it's as though a black mist chases and engulfs me, and eventually suffocates me.
I never used to panic when it happened, but now I do. I know better now. It feels like a physical injury. It feels like my chest is caving in. It feels like my limbs have been drugged. It feels like I will never know what all the good feelings feel like anymore.
And then I become so tired and dream-like. As though I've been kidnapped by carbon monoxide. He sets himself to work at making me believe that this is what I'm destined to feel. And I'm so tired. And he makes it feel as though it would be pointless to try and snap out of it.
All that's left is for Stockholme Syndrome to set in and then I'll never want to leave this state of being. I'll believe that it's really everyone else who is on the outside. I'm right where I belong.
See? It's so, so easy to be pulled into it. You'd think there'd be an element of choice involved. I honestly don't know.
Friday 28 July 2006
ink on a pin
I'm bored at work on a friday afternoon and everyone's gone home. It's times like these I think - How can I be sitting here staring at the buttons of my calculator when I could be doing something else? Anything else?
I'm the sort of person who takes class A drugs at 14, who works for a scholarship and then sits back and does no work for 2 years. I see a twenty one year olds soon after my fifteenth birthday and let him come and live with me and my parents. I take about a quarter of the school year off sick. I get good grades in the end, because it's me and things always just work out like that for me, but I know I can do better.
And then there's this whole different part of my life that started about a year and a half ago. Fancy meals and Cosmopolitans. Dresses and shoes, at last! Spur of the moment trips to Edinburgh. Someone who wants to show me off rather than hide indoors with me. Nights spent feeling so safe and warm and comfortable. Feeling as though I could quite easily lie with this person forever. One week in particular that can only be described as magical.
How did fate ever allow you enter my life?
I never knew feelings and emotions (other than bad ones) could sink so deep inside me. So deep they wouldn't even go away when I tried to make them. Like they're tattooed so deep they can never fade.
"Ink on a pin, Underneath your skin,
An empty space to fill in."
I'm the sort of person who takes class A drugs at 14, who works for a scholarship and then sits back and does no work for 2 years. I see a twenty one year olds soon after my fifteenth birthday and let him come and live with me and my parents. I take about a quarter of the school year off sick. I get good grades in the end, because it's me and things always just work out like that for me, but I know I can do better.
And then there's this whole different part of my life that started about a year and a half ago. Fancy meals and Cosmopolitans. Dresses and shoes, at last! Spur of the moment trips to Edinburgh. Someone who wants to show me off rather than hide indoors with me. Nights spent feeling so safe and warm and comfortable. Feeling as though I could quite easily lie with this person forever. One week in particular that can only be described as magical.
How did fate ever allow you enter my life?
I never knew feelings and emotions (other than bad ones) could sink so deep inside me. So deep they wouldn't even go away when I tried to make them. Like they're tattooed so deep they can never fade.
"Ink on a pin, Underneath your skin,
An empty space to fill in."
Sunday 23 July 2006
Korea
For people to understand this entry I'll bring everything up to date:
Me and Adam are back together now and are happier than we've ever been together. Seriously! Looking back now I think the differences between two people only become a problem when you let them. Now, I'm so happy we're together that these differences (that are definitely still there) don't even run through my mind anymore. I just appreciate what we have.
What finally made me realise that none of those things mattered was when I thought about how much I loved him. That was never the issue between us, see. I never loved him less or more than before, it was just everything else around us that was the problem. I just couldn't see why we shouldn't be together when I knew how happy I could be with him when everything was alright.
So somehow, things have gotten even better than before from there. This is definitely the strongest I've ever felt about him. And it seems to keep growing somehow.
He left for Korea ten days ago. I thought I'd be miserable when he went but I'm actually doing fine. Not that I don't miss him, obviously, but in a way I'm happy he's there. Not many twenty one year olds get the chance to be asked to do what he's doing. And I suppose not many seventeen year old girlfriends get the chance to visit them in Korea for a month...
Me and Adam are back together now and are happier than we've ever been together. Seriously! Looking back now I think the differences between two people only become a problem when you let them. Now, I'm so happy we're together that these differences (that are definitely still there) don't even run through my mind anymore. I just appreciate what we have.
What finally made me realise that none of those things mattered was when I thought about how much I loved him. That was never the issue between us, see. I never loved him less or more than before, it was just everything else around us that was the problem. I just couldn't see why we shouldn't be together when I knew how happy I could be with him when everything was alright.
So somehow, things have gotten even better than before from there. This is definitely the strongest I've ever felt about him. And it seems to keep growing somehow.
He left for Korea ten days ago. I thought I'd be miserable when he went but I'm actually doing fine. Not that I don't miss him, obviously, but in a way I'm happy he's there. Not many twenty one year olds get the chance to be asked to do what he's doing. And I suppose not many seventeen year old girlfriends get the chance to visit them in Korea for a month...
Thursday 25 May 2006
Thursday 18 May 2006
10
10. Someone who can’t take their eyes off me. Everything else around them is a blur and all they can see is me. There’s a fiery glow around the edges of my body. They think I’m an angel.
9. Someone who loves me so much they’d do anything to be with me. They’d drive 250 miles to spend 30 minutes with me, and then drive 250 miles back again. They’d spend any money they have to come and see me.
8. Someone who thinks of me when they see or hear something. They’ll see a flower and bring it to me. They’ll send me a text message when they hear a song they know I like. They’ll buy me a packet of sweets because they think it’ll make me smile. Wherever they go without me they pick up souvenirs for me, like boxes of matches, and I know they were thinking about me.
7. Someone who knows what I’ll say before I say it. They’ll see me looking at them and they’ll respond before I even speak. They’ll know when to ask if everything’s alright. They’ll know not to ask when I look at them a certain way
6. Someone who knows what I’ll buy when I walk into a shop. They see an outfit and imagine me standing there in front of them, at the bar with a glass in my hand. They’ll know exactly how I want to feel in each outfit. They’ll know exactly how to talk to me.
5. Someone who loves the way I never let my guard down. My cards always pressed tightly against my chest. It doesn’t matter to them. They can see through the cards, but they let me believe it’s all a secret anyway.
4. Someone who can define every blink, every sigh, every touch, every smile. We can talk to each other in this way.
3. Someone who is so amazed by the way we make love that they want part of us to stay connected all night. They sleep with their arms around me; their mouth in my hair; their heart beating against my back. In the morning I can feel him against me and I know. Warm, gentle love.
2. Someone who wishes they didn’t think about things so far into the future. Wishes they didn’t see us being together forever. Wishes they didn’t want to wake up with me every morning now and for the rest of our lives. Someone who worries that they’re no match. Worries they’ll never make me as happy as someone else could.
1. Someone who looks across a crowded room and sees me instantly. Who knows how beautiful I am from the other side of the room. Who thinks that no one could compare.
With or without glasses.
9. Someone who loves me so much they’d do anything to be with me. They’d drive 250 miles to spend 30 minutes with me, and then drive 250 miles back again. They’d spend any money they have to come and see me.
8. Someone who thinks of me when they see or hear something. They’ll see a flower and bring it to me. They’ll send me a text message when they hear a song they know I like. They’ll buy me a packet of sweets because they think it’ll make me smile. Wherever they go without me they pick up souvenirs for me, like boxes of matches, and I know they were thinking about me.
7. Someone who knows what I’ll say before I say it. They’ll see me looking at them and they’ll respond before I even speak. They’ll know when to ask if everything’s alright. They’ll know not to ask when I look at them a certain way
6. Someone who knows what I’ll buy when I walk into a shop. They see an outfit and imagine me standing there in front of them, at the bar with a glass in my hand. They’ll know exactly how I want to feel in each outfit. They’ll know exactly how to talk to me.
5. Someone who loves the way I never let my guard down. My cards always pressed tightly against my chest. It doesn’t matter to them. They can see through the cards, but they let me believe it’s all a secret anyway.
4. Someone who can define every blink, every sigh, every touch, every smile. We can talk to each other in this way.
3. Someone who is so amazed by the way we make love that they want part of us to stay connected all night. They sleep with their arms around me; their mouth in my hair; their heart beating against my back. In the morning I can feel him against me and I know. Warm, gentle love.
2. Someone who wishes they didn’t think about things so far into the future. Wishes they didn’t see us being together forever. Wishes they didn’t want to wake up with me every morning now and for the rest of our lives. Someone who worries that they’re no match. Worries they’ll never make me as happy as someone else could.
1. Someone who looks across a crowded room and sees me instantly. Who knows how beautiful I am from the other side of the room. Who thinks that no one could compare.
With or without glasses.
Friday 12 May 2006
making love
Surely there's a point when there's just nothing left inside either party. And then where does the love come from?
It's just sex. It feels like love and emotion but it's really just body parts that fit together nicely.
And any two people can fit together for a night.
I was naive to think that it should mean something.
It doesn't.
My hands are tied
My body bruised, he's got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
It's just sex. It feels like love and emotion but it's really just body parts that fit together nicely.
And any two people can fit together for a night.
I was naive to think that it should mean something.
It doesn't.
My hands are tied
My body bruised, he's got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
Sunday 7 May 2006
acrobat
You've got to catch an early plane
And it's no surprise I'm standing still
Another minute more is all I need
I'll never have enough
This room gets so cold in the winterW
hat will it take to heat this house?
I just want to feel comfortable
When there's only the two of us in my bed
My foot nearly brushes your leg
I can't draw it away
I can't push it forward
It lies stranded
It belongs to someone else
We knew each other once
This can't be what you want
But you didn't have to demolish me
I don't remember losing sight of your needs
I don't remember losing sight of your needs
I am not an acrobat
I cannot perform these tricks for you
Losing all my balance
Falling from a wire made for you
The sky is often used as a metaphor
I suppose it's because it's so big and expansive
When a long strand of cloud sits just above the horizon
Leaving a strip of clear blue beneath it
It becomes the panorama
And you turn your head 360 degrees
And the same line follows you round
If the land is sufficiently flat
Really nothing can be compared to it
I don't remember losing sight of your needs
I don't remember losing sight of your needs
Your needs
I am not an acrobat
I cannot perform these tricks for you
Losing all my balance
Falling from a wire made for you
I am not an acrobat
I cant perform these tricks for you
Losing all my balance
Falling from a wire made for you
And it's no surprise I'm standing still
Another minute more is all I need
I'll never have enough
This room gets so cold in the winterW
hat will it take to heat this house?
I just want to feel comfortable
When there's only the two of us in my bed
My foot nearly brushes your leg
I can't draw it away
I can't push it forward
It lies stranded
It belongs to someone else
We knew each other once
This can't be what you want
But you didn't have to demolish me
I don't remember losing sight of your needs
I don't remember losing sight of your needs
I am not an acrobat
I cannot perform these tricks for you
Losing all my balance
Falling from a wire made for you
The sky is often used as a metaphor
I suppose it's because it's so big and expansive
When a long strand of cloud sits just above the horizon
Leaving a strip of clear blue beneath it
It becomes the panorama
And you turn your head 360 degrees
And the same line follows you round
If the land is sufficiently flat
Really nothing can be compared to it
I don't remember losing sight of your needs
I don't remember losing sight of your needs
Your needs
I am not an acrobat
I cannot perform these tricks for you
Losing all my balance
Falling from a wire made for you
I am not an acrobat
I cant perform these tricks for you
Losing all my balance
Falling from a wire made for you
Tuesday 2 May 2006
if, don't, please, promise
If you leave, don't leave now
Please don't take my heart away
Promise me just one more night
Then we'll go our separate ways
We've always had time on our sides
Now it's fading fast
Every second every moment
We've gotta make it last
I touch you once
I touch you twice
I won't let go at any price
I need you now like I needed you then
You always said we'd still be friends, someday
If you leave I won't cry
I won't waste a single day
But if you leave don't look back
I'll be running the other way
Seven years went under the bridge
Like time was standing still
Heaven knows what happens now
You've got to you gotta say you will
I touch you once I touch you twice
I won't let go at any price
I need you now like I needed you then
You always said we'd meet again, someday
I touch you once I touch you twice
I won't let go at any price
I need you now like I needed you then
You always said we'd still be friends
I touch you once I touch you twice
I won't let go at any price
I need you now like I needed you then
You always said we'd meet again, someday
If you leaveIf you leaveIf you leave
Don't look backDon't look back
Please don't take my heart away
Promise me just one more night
Then we'll go our separate ways
We've always had time on our sides
Now it's fading fast
Every second every moment
We've gotta make it last
I touch you once
I touch you twice
I won't let go at any price
I need you now like I needed you then
You always said we'd still be friends, someday
If you leave I won't cry
I won't waste a single day
But if you leave don't look back
I'll be running the other way
Seven years went under the bridge
Like time was standing still
Heaven knows what happens now
You've got to you gotta say you will
I touch you once I touch you twice
I won't let go at any price
I need you now like I needed you then
You always said we'd meet again, someday
I touch you once I touch you twice
I won't let go at any price
I need you now like I needed you then
You always said we'd still be friends
I touch you once I touch you twice
I won't let go at any price
I need you now like I needed you then
You always said we'd meet again, someday
If you leaveIf you leaveIf you leave
Don't look backDon't look back
Monday 1 May 2006
bluest light
i don't really know what to say today...
last night's hotel was scary. a sunflower inspired bedhead with green and brown bed sheets. there was a salvation army across the street. an itching sensation that lasted all night. there's a channel a bit like men & motors that plays english films on a night time. last night it was bad boys. saturday night it was you've got mail.
saturday's hotel was a lot nicer. van der valk. white walls, blue furniture, white curtains, big white bathroom. a huge toucan stencilled onto the wall... i couldn't sleep that night. i kept waking up and noticing the blueness of the room.
it made me think of berlin. that was one of my most vivid memories of that night. light from outside pouring in through the window and the mesh white curtains. falling on the white walls and the white sheets. falling on your skin. lighting up our faces. that's why i hate it when you turn off number 5.
i'm constantly stopping myself from turning around and pointing to the pretty gardens by the canal. telling you how i prefer the dom to big ben. showing you how the mint smells in the herb garden.
there's a peek & cloppenburg here. the coffee tastes like it did at that bakery near our hotel. there's a park just outside of the city calles julianapark. it's got a lake like the one in berlin.
it all just makes me sad though.
dutch people have big foreheads.
last night's hotel was scary. a sunflower inspired bedhead with green and brown bed sheets. there was a salvation army across the street. an itching sensation that lasted all night. there's a channel a bit like men & motors that plays english films on a night time. last night it was bad boys. saturday night it was you've got mail.
saturday's hotel was a lot nicer. van der valk. white walls, blue furniture, white curtains, big white bathroom. a huge toucan stencilled onto the wall... i couldn't sleep that night. i kept waking up and noticing the blueness of the room.
it made me think of berlin. that was one of my most vivid memories of that night. light from outside pouring in through the window and the mesh white curtains. falling on the white walls and the white sheets. falling on your skin. lighting up our faces. that's why i hate it when you turn off number 5.
i'm constantly stopping myself from turning around and pointing to the pretty gardens by the canal. telling you how i prefer the dom to big ben. showing you how the mint smells in the herb garden.
there's a peek & cloppenburg here. the coffee tastes like it did at that bakery near our hotel. there's a park just outside of the city calles julianapark. it's got a lake like the one in berlin.
it all just makes me sad though.
dutch people have big foreheads.
Friday 28 April 2006
tulips
i've felt so dizzy for the past couple of days. my head feels like it's swimming with doubts and concerns. my stomach feels the same way.
a seventeen year old alone in amsterdam with a suitcase? i'm scared.
i know this is the crazy thing i've wanted to do for months. uncertainty is to be expected, surely.
i know i'll be safe. my 'insurance' will take care of me.
i know i'll be happy. my 'insurance' would do anything for me. before i even ask.
i really thought you would turn up tonight. i can't blame you for disappointment this time though, can i?
When you said tulips
I knew that you were mine
When I caught you there
Crying in the night
Wearing my jacket
Wearing that smile
I knew that I'd found you
This could be an opportunity
Were you unawares?
Did it catch you out?
Or did it break you in
Right from the start?
It's as pure as fire
It's as pure as snow
I knew that I'd found you
This could be an opportunity
If you promise to let it grow
'Cos you're the one I love
a seventeen year old alone in amsterdam with a suitcase? i'm scared.
i know this is the crazy thing i've wanted to do for months. uncertainty is to be expected, surely.
i know i'll be safe. my 'insurance' will take care of me.
i know i'll be happy. my 'insurance' would do anything for me. before i even ask.
i really thought you would turn up tonight. i can't blame you for disappointment this time though, can i?
When you said tulips
I knew that you were mine
When I caught you there
Crying in the night
Wearing my jacket
Wearing that smile
I knew that I'd found you
This could be an opportunity
Were you unawares?
Did it catch you out?
Or did it break you in
Right from the start?
It's as pure as fire
It's as pure as snow
I knew that I'd found you
This could be an opportunity
If you promise to let it grow
'Cos you're the one I love
Wednesday 26 April 2006
Grey Street
Right now I feel like I can do anything. I can cut my hair and buy expensive clothes and walk out of my job and pack a suitcase and just get on a plane with a one way ticket.
I feel gorgeous and strong, and I don't think I've ever felt like this before.
I'm only seventeen for christ's sake. What do I need money for? What have I got to save for?
A month ago, somehow, I thought I was with the person I'd spend the rest of my life with. Even though I felt so alone. More alone than now, even.
I was struggling to hold myself together everytime he'd carelessly close his eyes and leave me alone lying next to him: another two and a half hours together, lost.
When he'd get up on a saturday morning and go to work, leaving me alone in his parents house. By choice. What was I to think other than that money meant more to him than spending a day with me. And the investment? Of course... And then sometimes sunday too. I wonder now if it wasn't even about the money.
I wouldn't have cared if things had been different. But they weren't. They were the only two days we had together. It made me question myself. Was I mad to want to spend time with my boyfriend?
Clearly.
When he took back sunday it broke my heart. Spending time with me was that painful. And then he told me saturday nights. No wonder I don't seem to spend any more time alone than before.
How would you have felt, reader? Was I just sensitive? Maybe he was just ignorant. I don't think he does know what he's lost.
I feel gorgeous and strong, and I don't think I've ever felt like this before.
I'm only seventeen for christ's sake. What do I need money for? What have I got to save for?
A month ago, somehow, I thought I was with the person I'd spend the rest of my life with. Even though I felt so alone. More alone than now, even.
I was struggling to hold myself together everytime he'd carelessly close his eyes and leave me alone lying next to him: another two and a half hours together, lost.
When he'd get up on a saturday morning and go to work, leaving me alone in his parents house. By choice. What was I to think other than that money meant more to him than spending a day with me. And the investment? Of course... And then sometimes sunday too. I wonder now if it wasn't even about the money.
I wouldn't have cared if things had been different. But they weren't. They were the only two days we had together. It made me question myself. Was I mad to want to spend time with my boyfriend?
Clearly.
When he took back sunday it broke my heart. Spending time with me was that painful. And then he told me saturday nights. No wonder I don't seem to spend any more time alone than before.
How would you have felt, reader? Was I just sensitive? Maybe he was just ignorant. I don't think he does know what he's lost.
Monday 24 April 2006
bon voyage: i love you
i went for a drive with my mum on saturday. i got such a mad dose of deja vu sitting next to her listening to cds that haven't been out of their cases for years.
i remember when just the two of us used to drive down to wales to see my grandparents. i used to love having her all to myself and being able to sit in the front seat instead of my sister or my dad.
i still got that same feeling i got way back then, before adam, before anthony, even before jordan. that feeling where i'd be practically squirming in my seat rehearsing the same sentence over and over in my head.
but it never did come out. never will.
we walked along a beach together and talked about amsterdam. i can't believe i could forget how much she wants me to be happy. she booked my flight for me and she found me somewhere to stay. she even wanted to come with me for the first few days.
i leave on saturday morning.
i remember when just the two of us used to drive down to wales to see my grandparents. i used to love having her all to myself and being able to sit in the front seat instead of my sister or my dad.
i still got that same feeling i got way back then, before adam, before anthony, even before jordan. that feeling where i'd be practically squirming in my seat rehearsing the same sentence over and over in my head.
but it never did come out. never will.
we walked along a beach together and talked about amsterdam. i can't believe i could forget how much she wants me to be happy. she booked my flight for me and she found me somewhere to stay. she even wanted to come with me for the first few days.
i leave on saturday morning.
Wednesday 19 April 2006
foolish love
Who knew what this would actually feel like? Certainly not me. It's been so long since I've been in this position. I don't like it.
I can feel this unyielding crushing force in the centre of my chest. I know it's not completely due to him, but right now it's hard to pin it to anything else.
I so badly want to ask him why he spent those last few days with me if he knew that ultimately he didn't want to be with me. But do I already know? Sometimes I wish it didn't play such a huge part in the relationship. Sometimes I think that's what ruined it.
Being alone for the first time since I was thirteen has really opened my fucking eyes. I get so dependent on one person that everything else seems to disappear around me. Everything.
Would I have hated my last few years at school so much if I hadn't always had someone over the age of twenty to mock it with? Would I have wanted money so badly if I'd been a normal teenager and didn't hang out at bars in Newcastle friday and saturday nights?
Sometimes I hate what everything I've been exposed to has turned me into. This isn't who I wanted to be. Honestly.
And now because I have absolutely nothing to bring joy to my life but bed and tv, my mind can't help but wander to the question:
What exactly are you going to do with your life, Hannah?
I don't want to hold you and feel so helpless
I don't want to smell you and lose my senses
And smile in slow motion
With eyes in love
I twist like a corkscrew
The sweetness rising
I drink from the bottle, weeping
Why won't you last?
Why can't you last
I can feel this unyielding crushing force in the centre of my chest. I know it's not completely due to him, but right now it's hard to pin it to anything else.
I so badly want to ask him why he spent those last few days with me if he knew that ultimately he didn't want to be with me. But do I already know? Sometimes I wish it didn't play such a huge part in the relationship. Sometimes I think that's what ruined it.
Being alone for the first time since I was thirteen has really opened my fucking eyes. I get so dependent on one person that everything else seems to disappear around me. Everything.
Would I have hated my last few years at school so much if I hadn't always had someone over the age of twenty to mock it with? Would I have wanted money so badly if I'd been a normal teenager and didn't hang out at bars in Newcastle friday and saturday nights?
Sometimes I hate what everything I've been exposed to has turned me into. This isn't who I wanted to be. Honestly.
And now because I have absolutely nothing to bring joy to my life but bed and tv, my mind can't help but wander to the question:
What exactly are you going to do with your life, Hannah?
I don't want to hold you and feel so helpless
I don't want to smell you and lose my senses
And smile in slow motion
With eyes in love
I twist like a corkscrew
The sweetness rising
I drink from the bottle, weeping
Why won't you last?
Why can't you last
Tuesday 4 April 2006
sunday, bloody sunday
isn't it strange how everything is never enough? i think i gave up figuring things out a long time ago. when all you get is words covering silence you know it's time to give up.
sunday.
sunday.
Saturday 4 March 2006
seek solace in paracetamol
A while ago my mum said something to me that almost made everything I find unexplainable about myself drop into place and become reasonable and rational for the first time. She said that sometimes she worries that my character is such as a result of the behaviour of my sister when we were children.
She said that because my sister demanded so much attention, she thinks this caused me to be as reserved as I am. My mum spent so much time running after my sister when she was a toddler that she says I stopped crying quite early on. She said that at the time it was a Godsend having this silent baby, but now she looks back and feels tremendous guilt and regret.
She told me how she remembers watching me grow up and noticing that I'd always keep things to myself. I always used to hide if I was upset and wait until I was alone before I'd start to cry. And by the time it had got to that point there would be so many things attributing to my sadness that it would all just come out in one huge fit. I remember my eyes would burn with red hot tears; the muscles in my neck would tense trying to dampen the sobs. My hand would be holding my head; fingers entwined with my hair. I'd sit there for hours sometimes, keeping as quite as possible.
I still do it now - I did it just over an hour ago.
I remember at the end of this conversation I had with my mum, she told me never to simply "put up and shut up". And although neither of us had mentioned it we both knew exactly what she meant.
I've always found it so difficult to admit there's a problem with anything to anyone. It just keeps pushing me closer and closer to the edge until I really feel as though I'm actually going to lose it and live in a hospital for the next few years. I'm genuinely scared that soon I'll be laying down on a hospital bed talking about medication with a nurse.
Last week I wanted to kill myself with paracetamols again. The 'reassuring' thing is, I know I could do it. Afterall I actually did it. And not only did I do it, but afterwards I still felt so determined to go through with it that I went to sleep without telling anyone what I'd done. I thought I was closing my eyes forever. All it was was the best night's sleep I ever had.
When I come home on a sunday night (now to be saturday nights) after a 'break' at your house I climb the hundreds of stairs to my bedroom and I sit on my bed and I start to cry. Maybe it's for my sick mother, or my lonely sister in her house with no one to share it with. Perhaps it's for Anthony and all the love he wastes on me. Or for my Clueless Boyfriend. Or myabe it's for the realistion that I've done this for the past three years of my life.
I hate being here in this house. I just want to escape its darkness and coldness and sickness and loneliness. I just want someone to take care of me.
Why doesn't anyone notice that I'm cooking and cleaning and washing and supermarket shopping. I'm washing my mum's disappearing hair and sitting next to her during treatments. I'm only seventeen. Doesn't anyone understand that?
I just want to fall asleep with my mum's arms around me. Telling me everything's OK and she can look after me now. But I can't even give her a hug. I don't know what's worse - feeling a huge space where there used to be my mother's breast or a cold and heavy gel implant.
Sometimes it's like I think it's another person. I just wish my real mum would come back.
I'm sorry for being so miserable. I wish you'd make it better but you won't.
She said that because my sister demanded so much attention, she thinks this caused me to be as reserved as I am. My mum spent so much time running after my sister when she was a toddler that she says I stopped crying quite early on. She said that at the time it was a Godsend having this silent baby, but now she looks back and feels tremendous guilt and regret.
She told me how she remembers watching me grow up and noticing that I'd always keep things to myself. I always used to hide if I was upset and wait until I was alone before I'd start to cry. And by the time it had got to that point there would be so many things attributing to my sadness that it would all just come out in one huge fit. I remember my eyes would burn with red hot tears; the muscles in my neck would tense trying to dampen the sobs. My hand would be holding my head; fingers entwined with my hair. I'd sit there for hours sometimes, keeping as quite as possible.
I still do it now - I did it just over an hour ago.
I remember at the end of this conversation I had with my mum, she told me never to simply "put up and shut up". And although neither of us had mentioned it we both knew exactly what she meant.
I've always found it so difficult to admit there's a problem with anything to anyone. It just keeps pushing me closer and closer to the edge until I really feel as though I'm actually going to lose it and live in a hospital for the next few years. I'm genuinely scared that soon I'll be laying down on a hospital bed talking about medication with a nurse.
Last week I wanted to kill myself with paracetamols again. The 'reassuring' thing is, I know I could do it. Afterall I actually did it. And not only did I do it, but afterwards I still felt so determined to go through with it that I went to sleep without telling anyone what I'd done. I thought I was closing my eyes forever. All it was was the best night's sleep I ever had.
When I come home on a sunday night (now to be saturday nights) after a 'break' at your house I climb the hundreds of stairs to my bedroom and I sit on my bed and I start to cry. Maybe it's for my sick mother, or my lonely sister in her house with no one to share it with. Perhaps it's for Anthony and all the love he wastes on me. Or for my Clueless Boyfriend. Or myabe it's for the realistion that I've done this for the past three years of my life.
I hate being here in this house. I just want to escape its darkness and coldness and sickness and loneliness. I just want someone to take care of me.
Why doesn't anyone notice that I'm cooking and cleaning and washing and supermarket shopping. I'm washing my mum's disappearing hair and sitting next to her during treatments. I'm only seventeen. Doesn't anyone understand that?
I just want to fall asleep with my mum's arms around me. Telling me everything's OK and she can look after me now. But I can't even give her a hug. I don't know what's worse - feeling a huge space where there used to be my mother's breast or a cold and heavy gel implant.
Sometimes it's like I think it's another person. I just wish my real mum would come back.
I'm sorry for being so miserable. I wish you'd make it better but you won't.
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