mud

went to see closer with adam last night. i think it's one of the most honest, accurate, real films i've ever seen. it was seriously soo good.

it kind of made me think of me and anthony. in so many ways. i'm not anna, nor am i really alice, but i feel like i know the characters far too well; like i'm stuck in between the two. maybe i'm jane.

everyone should see this film.
driving home in adam's car i got such a weird feeling. we drove past a streetlight and the orange glow reflected off my face into the side mirrors. i looked at myself. then looked at adam. i realised how ugly i am. what a vile, disgusting person sitting next to him.

no matter what he says, all the pretty words, all the little gestures he makes, all the fancy places he takes me to. he makes me feel like mud, and right beside me is this tall, beautiful flower.

he has no idea. no idea at all.

i wish i didn't get disappointed

i'm at school, sitting in the library with some friends.

i've noticed that even though i've had exams for the last couple of weeks and all the shit with anthony, i've been a lot less stressed out than before.

i feel, sort of neutral. like nothing's making me sad, and nothing's really making me happy either. i'm just, ok. which is better than suicidal i suppose.

i'm not really looking forward to anything, not really regretting anything, not really wishing for anything. nothing. just emptiness really. but i don't feel bad.

i wish i could sleep though. that bothers me. not being able to sleep. ever. it's really annoying. especially when i look at my phone and wish it would start ringing, and 'Anthony (forbidden #)' would appear on my screen. it hardly ever does though.

i hate it when my phone actually does ring, and then i see that it's adam, not anthony.

i wish i didn't get disappointed.

£40 Turqouise Underwear

so long since we spoke isn't it? and so so so so much has happened. maybe i'll keep it brief and just say that me and anthony are very much over. it's weird how he's so different, or maybe he was like this all along. i hope not. i really hope not.

so much crying and shouting and arguing and kissing and screaming and fucking and hurting and hating each other.

he let me down so bad. so disappointed in him. so worried about him. what the fuck happened to him? what the fuck did i do? he's changed so much.

i know every single one of the girls he's been with. i fucking introduced him to one. their names make my blood boil, my teeth grind, my fingernails itch and my toes curl.

it wouldn't be so bad if he hadn't came back all those times and then left again, all those times. just last week we tried again, and that was when he met yet another girl.

i feel so stupid for letting myself get hurt like this. what did i expect?

anthony had always been there, always took the shit i gave him and always came back for more. then his nervous breakdown happened. then the car crash. then alison. and then it gets blurry from there onwards, because i was left in the dark on so many things.

i spent £40 on new underwear. what was i thinking? underwear would bring him back? god, and i thought i had pride.

i've been out with adam a few times since christmas. we went to edinburgh together. it was so romantic. i don't want to ruin it by talking about it.

things got heated one time, and he sort of asked me the question - did i want to? (god hes such a gentleman) and i told him that i'd never really been in a relationship like that before. i lied. through my teeth.

me? a fucking virgin? my god, the fucking irony.

he was so sweet. so so sweet.

on saturday night after the night of hell (which i'll explain another time) me and adam went back to his house, and i stayed the night with him. i can't describe how it felt to be lying there feeling so comfortable, without worrying about someone shoving his hand up my t-shirt or down my pants. and he didn't. all night. such a perfect gentleman. he made me feel safe. and i don't think i've ever felt like that before.

we were talking about it ( it being my 'virginity') the other night and he said that whoever it is and whenever i decide to do it, it'll be special because i've waited for it.

i can't figure him out.

i think i want to though.