tulips

i've felt so dizzy for the past couple of days. my head feels like it's swimming with doubts and concerns. my stomach feels the same way.

a seventeen year old alone in amsterdam with a suitcase? i'm scared.

i know this is the crazy thing i've wanted to do for months. uncertainty is to be expected, surely.

i know i'll be safe. my 'insurance' will take care of me.

i know i'll be happy. my 'insurance' would do anything for me. before i even ask.

i really thought you would turn up tonight. i can't blame you for disappointment this time though, can i?

When you said tulips
I knew that you were mine
When I caught you there
Crying in the night
Wearing my jacket
Wearing that smile
I knew that I'd found you
This could be an opportunity
Were you unawares?
Did it catch you out?
Or did it break you in
Right from the start?
It's as pure as fire
It's as pure as snow
I knew that I'd found you
This could be an opportunity
If you promise to let it grow

'Cos you're the one I love

Grey Street

Right now I feel like I can do anything. I can cut my hair and buy expensive clothes and walk out of my job and pack a suitcase and just get on a plane with a one way ticket.

I feel gorgeous and strong, and I don't think I've ever felt like this before.

I'm only seventeen for christ's sake. What do I need money for? What have I got to save for?

A month ago, somehow, I thought I was with the person I'd spend the rest of my life with. Even though I felt so alone. More alone than now, even.

I was struggling to hold myself together everytime he'd carelessly close his eyes and leave me alone lying next to him: another two and a half hours together, lost.

When he'd get up on a saturday morning and go to work, leaving me alone in his parents house. By choice. What was I to think other than that money meant more to him than spending a day with me. And the investment? Of course... And then sometimes sunday too. I wonder now if it wasn't even about the money.

I wouldn't have cared if things had been different. But they weren't. They were the only two days we had together. It made me question myself. Was I mad to want to spend time with my boyfriend?

Clearly.

When he took back sunday it broke my heart. Spending time with me was that painful. And then he told me saturday nights. No wonder I don't seem to spend any more time alone than before.

How would you have felt, reader? Was I just sensitive? Maybe he was just ignorant. I don't think he does know what he's lost.

bon voyage: i love you

i went for a drive with my mum on saturday. i got such a mad dose of deja vu sitting next to her listening to cds that haven't been out of their cases for years.

i remember when just the two of us used to drive down to wales to see my grandparents. i used to love having her all to myself and being able to sit in the front seat instead of my sister or my dad.

i still got that same feeling i got way back then, before adam, before anthony, even before jordan. that feeling where i'd be practically squirming in my seat rehearsing the same sentence over and over in my head.

but it never did come out. never will.

we walked along a beach together and talked about amsterdam. i can't believe i could forget how much she wants me to be happy. she booked my flight for me and she found me somewhere to stay. she even wanted to come with me for the first few days.

i leave on saturday morning.

foolish love

Who knew what this would actually feel like? Certainly not me. It's been so long since I've been in this position. I don't like it.

I can feel this unyielding crushing force in the centre of my chest. I know it's not completely due to him, but right now it's hard to pin it to anything else.

I so badly want to ask him why he spent those last few days with me if he knew that ultimately he didn't want to be with me. But do I already know? Sometimes I wish it didn't play such a huge part in the relationship. Sometimes I think that's what ruined it.

Being alone for the first time since I was thirteen has really opened my fucking eyes. I get so dependent on one person that everything else seems to disappear around me. Everything.

Would I have hated my last few years at school so much if I hadn't always had someone over the age of twenty to mock it with? Would I have wanted money so badly if I'd been a normal teenager and didn't hang out at bars in Newcastle friday and saturday nights?

Sometimes I hate what everything I've been exposed to has turned me into. This isn't who I wanted to be. Honestly.

And now because I have absolutely nothing to bring joy to my life but bed and tv, my mind can't help but wander to the question:

What exactly are you going to do with your life, Hannah?

I don't want to hold you and feel so helpless
I don't want to smell you and lose my senses
And smile in slow motion
With eyes in love
I twist like a corkscrew
The sweetness rising
I drink from the bottle, weeping
Why won't you last?
Why can't you last

sunday, bloody sunday

isn't it strange how everything is never enough? i think i gave up figuring things out a long time ago. when all you get is words covering silence you know it's time to give up.

sunday.