foolish love

Who knew what this would actually feel like? Certainly not me. It's been so long since I've been in this position. I don't like it.

I can feel this unyielding crushing force in the centre of my chest. I know it's not completely due to him, but right now it's hard to pin it to anything else.

I so badly want to ask him why he spent those last few days with me if he knew that ultimately he didn't want to be with me. But do I already know? Sometimes I wish it didn't play such a huge part in the relationship. Sometimes I think that's what ruined it.

Being alone for the first time since I was thirteen has really opened my fucking eyes. I get so dependent on one person that everything else seems to disappear around me. Everything.

Would I have hated my last few years at school so much if I hadn't always had someone over the age of twenty to mock it with? Would I have wanted money so badly if I'd been a normal teenager and didn't hang out at bars in Newcastle friday and saturday nights?

Sometimes I hate what everything I've been exposed to has turned me into. This isn't who I wanted to be. Honestly.

And now because I have absolutely nothing to bring joy to my life but bed and tv, my mind can't help but wander to the question:

What exactly are you going to do with your life, Hannah?

I don't want to hold you and feel so helpless
I don't want to smell you and lose my senses
And smile in slow motion
With eyes in love
I twist like a corkscrew
The sweetness rising
I drink from the bottle, weeping
Why won't you last?
Why can't you last