when i first starting going out with my sister last summer i had this firm belief that smoking was wrong and since almost everyone in a pub seems to smoke i felt like an original person for being the only one to practice this belief. when my sister would offer me a cigarette i'd recline and think to myself 'she only wants me to take it from her so i'll fall into the same abyss she did when she was younger', probably 11 or so.
i kept thinking this for a surprisingly long time, and when jordan started smoking in autumn i'd criticise him for it, and even when i met 'joe' over new year i encouraged him to quit (and he did for about 2 months). i think back and feel guilt for trying to deny them such a harmless pleasure.
i love lying in bed at night with my window wide open, lighting up a cigarette, watching my exhaled smoke transform into fascinating figures against the navy blueness of the sky.
i love lighting up first thing in the morning with the crystals dangling from my windows creating unique rainbows on my walls; inhaling smoke and keeping it there, as though if i force my lungs to hold as much toxic shit as possible they'll pack in and i won't have to go to school.
that cigarette is what makes the day seem not so bad.
it feels as though the rush i get from every cigarette is mine and mine only. my own private pleasure. it's delicious; it turns my mind into a whirlwind of warm breezes and smiles and the feeling that everything's fine for the next 3 or so minutes.
it's euphoric.
it's noxious; even better.
Wednesday 30 June 2004
bugs 2
in the schroder suite once again, typing up my french coursework. it's funny cos i'm writing about a barbecue my sister and her fiance are organising, but they've split up, so the whole piece is meaningless really. having said that they'll probably get back together by the time i have to hand it in, they always get back together in the end.
i dreamt about the bugs again last night only this time there were more, thousands more, filling our little rowing boat and flowing over its sides into the river. when i scream at 'joe' to tell him he acts as though he can't hear me and tells me to calm down as though i'm acting crazy for no reason. but maybe i just am crazy.
never mind.
i've only written 91 words so far for my french. i can't think of much else to say; it's my family after all, what else is there to say?
oh well.
i'm frustrating myself so i'm going to leave this like it is.
i dreamt about the bugs again last night only this time there were more, thousands more, filling our little rowing boat and flowing over its sides into the river. when i scream at 'joe' to tell him he acts as though he can't hear me and tells me to calm down as though i'm acting crazy for no reason. but maybe i just am crazy.
never mind.
i've only written 91 words so far for my french. i can't think of much else to say; it's my family after all, what else is there to say?
oh well.
i'm frustrating myself so i'm going to leave this like it is.
Tuesday 29 June 2004
bugs
in the schroder suite once again. i've been in town all morning on a geography trip related to our coursework, and the only lesson i've got after this double free is a single of physics, looking over our exam paper (which i did shit in).
i feel a lot better today. when i smile it's because i'm happy, not because i think that it's the right time to pull my lips apart. i can still feel my skin stretching in protest though.
it's weird, when i was in town this morning, some people got their cigarettes out and started smoking. without even thinking it through i instinctively asked to borrow one until i bought some from the shop later on. and it struck me, I'M A SMOKER !
yeah, ok, i've been smoking at home through my window a lot lately but i just thought of that as a desperate cry for tranquillity. but today i smoked because i just wanted to. hmmmm.
anyway.
school finishes next thursday, and it amazes me every time i look back on the year. where did all the time go? i suppose a lot of it was wasted on being with jordan, getting over jordan and hating jordan, and that time seemed to last forever, but ever since i met anthony time has slowed down. it's giving me a chance to savour every moment we spend together, i suppose there are so few after all.
i can't wait for some time alone to focus on pulling myself together again. maybe i'll start writing again, or start reading more like i used to.
i had another strange dream last night. i dreamt that 'joe' and i were on a river in a rowing boat together, all peaceful and romantic, him rowing, me reading, ducks swimming...
i turned around to ask 'joe' a question, and saw bugs crawling all over his face. they were pouring out of his mouth, his nose, his ears. i tried to tell him by screaming at him but he said he couldn't see anything. i saw them on me too, crawling all over my hands, my arms, my chest and over my face. but he couldn't see anything at all.
i think i really am cracking up.
i feel a lot better today. when i smile it's because i'm happy, not because i think that it's the right time to pull my lips apart. i can still feel my skin stretching in protest though.
it's weird, when i was in town this morning, some people got their cigarettes out and started smoking. without even thinking it through i instinctively asked to borrow one until i bought some from the shop later on. and it struck me, I'M A SMOKER !
yeah, ok, i've been smoking at home through my window a lot lately but i just thought of that as a desperate cry for tranquillity. but today i smoked because i just wanted to. hmmmm.
anyway.
school finishes next thursday, and it amazes me every time i look back on the year. where did all the time go? i suppose a lot of it was wasted on being with jordan, getting over jordan and hating jordan, and that time seemed to last forever, but ever since i met anthony time has slowed down. it's giving me a chance to savour every moment we spend together, i suppose there are so few after all.
i can't wait for some time alone to focus on pulling myself together again. maybe i'll start writing again, or start reading more like i used to.
i had another strange dream last night. i dreamt that 'joe' and i were on a river in a rowing boat together, all peaceful and romantic, him rowing, me reading, ducks swimming...
i turned around to ask 'joe' a question, and saw bugs crawling all over his face. they were pouring out of his mouth, his nose, his ears. i tried to tell him by screaming at him but he said he couldn't see anything. i saw them on me too, crawling all over my hands, my arms, my chest and over my face. but he couldn't see anything at all.
i think i really am cracking up.
bugs
in the schroder suite once again. i've been in town all morning on a geography trip related to our coursework, and the only lesson i've got after this double free is a single of physics, looking over our exam paper (which i did shit in).
i feel a lot better today. when i smile it's because i'm happy, not because i think that it's the right time to pull my lips apart. i can still feel my skin stretching in protest though.
it's weird, when i was in town this morning, some people got their cigarettes out and started smoking. without even thinking it through i instinctively asked to borrow one until i bought some from the shop later on. and it struck me, I'M A SMOKER !
yeah, ok, i've been smoking at home through my window a lot lately but i just thought of that as a desperate cry for tranquillity. but today i smoked because i just wanted to. hmmmm.
anyway.
school finishes next thursday, and it amazes me every time i look back on the year. where did all the time go? i suppose a lot of it was wasted on being with jordan, getting over jordan and hating jordan, and that time seemed to last forever, but ever since i met anthony time has slowed down. it's giving me a chance to savour every moment we spend together, i suppose there are so few after all.
i can't wait for some time alone to focus on pulling myself together again. maybe i'll start writing again, or start reading more like i used to.
i had another strange dream last night. i dreamt that 'joe' and i were on a river in a rowing boat together, all peaceful and romantic, him rowing, me reading, ducks swimming...
i turned around to ask 'joe' a question, and saw bugs crawling all over his face. they were pouring out of his mouth, his nose, his ears. i tried to tell him by screaming at him but he said he couldn't see anything. i saw them on me too, crawling all over my hands, my arms, my chest and over my face. but he couldn't see anything at all.
i think i really am cracking up.
i feel a lot better today. when i smile it's because i'm happy, not because i think that it's the right time to pull my lips apart. i can still feel my skin stretching in protest though.
it's weird, when i was in town this morning, some people got their cigarettes out and started smoking. without even thinking it through i instinctively asked to borrow one until i bought some from the shop later on. and it struck me, I'M A SMOKER !
yeah, ok, i've been smoking at home through my window a lot lately but i just thought of that as a desperate cry for tranquillity. but today i smoked because i just wanted to. hmmmm.
anyway.
school finishes next thursday, and it amazes me every time i look back on the year. where did all the time go? i suppose a lot of it was wasted on being with jordan, getting over jordan and hating jordan, and that time seemed to last forever, but ever since i met anthony time has slowed down. it's giving me a chance to savour every moment we spend together, i suppose there are so few after all.
i can't wait for some time alone to focus on pulling myself together again. maybe i'll start writing again, or start reading more like i used to.
i had another strange dream last night. i dreamt that 'joe' and i were on a river in a rowing boat together, all peaceful and romantic, him rowing, me reading, ducks swimming...
i turned around to ask 'joe' a question, and saw bugs crawling all over his face. they were pouring out of his mouth, his nose, his ears. i tried to tell him by screaming at him but he said he couldn't see anything. i saw them on me too, crawling all over my hands, my arms, my chest and over my face. but he couldn't see anything at all.
i think i really am cracking up.
Monday 28 June 2004
perfection
this weekend was the monumental, pivotal point in the break down of my worthless life.
my perfume bottle smashed on thursday night, when i was so ready to do something i wish i had the emotion to regret. i didn't though, until i was pushed as far as i thought i could be pushed on friday evening.
my dad thinks my miserable face is what's making our family fall apart, it's all my fault you see, obviously.
my sister's so far stuck up her own ass to even recognise the fact that i still exist, well, sort of.
my mum, well, my mum hasn't been the same since she realised i was too old for her to plait my hair and take me on journeys to the park in autumn to collect leaves and stick them on a collage for her to keep forever. even if she thought i was depressed she couldn't say anything because that would mean she recognised the fact that i was my own person and not just another chance for her to relive her life and correct the mistakes she made when she was younger.
'joe', who i hate for loving me so much. i've become totally dependent upon his presence as a pillar to stop me from falling. but for five days of the week i'm left witout anyone to lean on, and i always end up falling, so many times. he doesn't understand this though. he doesn't understand anything.
everything sort of jumped on me at once and tried to strangle me with invisible hands. school, friends, family, sex, love... and loneliness.
how coincidental that after i had been picked up 2 hours late with 30 minutes to get ready for a party, alone in my house with a sharp, alcohol tinged shard of perfect glass, i got that suffocating feeling of total loneliness.
i sat on the floor of my shower with the water pouring down over my head, my vision blurred by water and tears, with that perfect, sharp shard of alcohol tinged glass in my hand.
nothing seemed to have ever made more sense than that situation.
my perfume bottle smashed on thursday night, when i was so ready to do something i wish i had the emotion to regret. i didn't though, until i was pushed as far as i thought i could be pushed on friday evening.
my dad thinks my miserable face is what's making our family fall apart, it's all my fault you see, obviously.
my sister's so far stuck up her own ass to even recognise the fact that i still exist, well, sort of.
my mum, well, my mum hasn't been the same since she realised i was too old for her to plait my hair and take me on journeys to the park in autumn to collect leaves and stick them on a collage for her to keep forever. even if she thought i was depressed she couldn't say anything because that would mean she recognised the fact that i was my own person and not just another chance for her to relive her life and correct the mistakes she made when she was younger.
'joe', who i hate for loving me so much. i've become totally dependent upon his presence as a pillar to stop me from falling. but for five days of the week i'm left witout anyone to lean on, and i always end up falling, so many times. he doesn't understand this though. he doesn't understand anything.
everything sort of jumped on me at once and tried to strangle me with invisible hands. school, friends, family, sex, love... and loneliness.
how coincidental that after i had been picked up 2 hours late with 30 minutes to get ready for a party, alone in my house with a sharp, alcohol tinged shard of perfect glass, i got that suffocating feeling of total loneliness.
i sat on the floor of my shower with the water pouring down over my head, my vision blurred by water and tears, with that perfect, sharp shard of alcohol tinged glass in my hand.
nothing seemed to have ever made more sense than that situation.
Thursday 24 June 2004
fools
'tis me, in the schroder suite, in my free, again. i had athletics this morning, and i bravely competed for the high jump for Heath House. i'll not type the height i got though.
i also had to go to a big opening thing for the Hadrian suite, which is for dyslexics like the little girl i teach english to. i remember writing a while back that i'd love to teach children with learning disabilities when i'm older, or even teach english to foreign children living in poor conditions. the only good grades i got this year was for languages: french, german and i hope english although i haven't got the grade back yet.
anyway, 'joe's' decided to come home again this weekend, probably because he doesn't want me going alone to this party tomorrow night. i'm glad he's coming home though. i love seeing his face when he gets off the train. he's definitely not a romantic, but i know he's glad to see me too when he says "y'alright shithead". it's his way of being romantic. trust me.
he's got literally no money this weekend so we probably won't do much. maybe we'll go back to that cornfield if the weather's nice enough.
my sister and her fiance have broken up, meaning she's back at our house again.
great.
i can't stand being in the same room with her anymore. everything she says seems to be applauded when i know that all she's really doing is regurgitating aload of shit she's heard from other people when she's been out on the piss. it's pure shite, not a single original word comes out of her mouth, but our parents love it. fools.
i also had to go to a big opening thing for the Hadrian suite, which is for dyslexics like the little girl i teach english to. i remember writing a while back that i'd love to teach children with learning disabilities when i'm older, or even teach english to foreign children living in poor conditions. the only good grades i got this year was for languages: french, german and i hope english although i haven't got the grade back yet.
anyway, 'joe's' decided to come home again this weekend, probably because he doesn't want me going alone to this party tomorrow night. i'm glad he's coming home though. i love seeing his face when he gets off the train. he's definitely not a romantic, but i know he's glad to see me too when he says "y'alright shithead". it's his way of being romantic. trust me.
he's got literally no money this weekend so we probably won't do much. maybe we'll go back to that cornfield if the weather's nice enough.
my sister and her fiance have broken up, meaning she's back at our house again.
great.
i can't stand being in the same room with her anymore. everything she says seems to be applauded when i know that all she's really doing is regurgitating aload of shit she's heard from other people when she's been out on the piss. it's pure shite, not a single original word comes out of her mouth, but our parents love it. fools.
Tuesday 22 June 2004
oh the fucking irony
Now I’ve just been kicked off the fucking computer by my fucking butch lesbian looking cunt of a geography teacher. Fuck her, I’m writing this in word and I’ll paste it in later.
Anyway, back to the entry. ‘Joe’ was home this weekend, which was really nice. He won’t be home for a fortnight now though so I’m really going to miss him. I’m missing him more and more every time he leaves me, it’s like Jordan all over. It’s alright for ‘Joe’, because he’s never the one being left behind, he’s always going back to something, whereas I always miss him and have to get on with my life without him again. It’s not fair.
That reminds me, I had a dream about Jordan last night, but I can't really remember what it was about, only that me and him had to meet up to sort out legal matters or something and neither of us wanted to see each other. He was like a ghost. I wish I could remember what we were saying to each other.
Oh well.
Anyway, exam week finished last Tuesday and now we're starting to get all our results back. I remember before I moved school the worst grade I ever got was a C in Woodwork, and I alomst had a fit over it. Most of my grades will be Cs this year I think. But shit happens.
There's a party this weekend, and I told everyone about how I bought a whole outfit for £20, and jesus christ some of the looks I got. Someone even pulled me over and said I wouldn't broadcast the fact if I was you. People here at this school have no idea how lucky they are.
I'm so different to them because they've all been brought up in a way so totally different to the way I was. I can honestly say that I don't feel I belong to a single one of the many groups my year group consists of. No matter how different to each other all their little groups are, not one of them I feel comfortable in.
I've been here for a year, and still I have no really close friends here. They're all just strangers I know bits and pieces about and who know bits and pieces about me. It's exhausting coming here every day and slapping on a smile when all I want to do is cry and go back to bed. And now I know there's no point at all in me being here because I'm doing worse than I was in my old school. HOW FUCKING IRONIC.
Anyway, back to the entry. ‘Joe’ was home this weekend, which was really nice. He won’t be home for a fortnight now though so I’m really going to miss him. I’m missing him more and more every time he leaves me, it’s like Jordan all over. It’s alright for ‘Joe’, because he’s never the one being left behind, he’s always going back to something, whereas I always miss him and have to get on with my life without him again. It’s not fair.
That reminds me, I had a dream about Jordan last night, but I can't really remember what it was about, only that me and him had to meet up to sort out legal matters or something and neither of us wanted to see each other. He was like a ghost. I wish I could remember what we were saying to each other.
Oh well.
Anyway, exam week finished last Tuesday and now we're starting to get all our results back. I remember before I moved school the worst grade I ever got was a C in Woodwork, and I alomst had a fit over it. Most of my grades will be Cs this year I think. But shit happens.
There's a party this weekend, and I told everyone about how I bought a whole outfit for £20, and jesus christ some of the looks I got. Someone even pulled me over and said I wouldn't broadcast the fact if I was you. People here at this school have no idea how lucky they are.
I'm so different to them because they've all been brought up in a way so totally different to the way I was. I can honestly say that I don't feel I belong to a single one of the many groups my year group consists of. No matter how different to each other all their little groups are, not one of them I feel comfortable in.
I've been here for a year, and still I have no really close friends here. They're all just strangers I know bits and pieces about and who know bits and pieces about me. It's exhausting coming here every day and slapping on a smile when all I want to do is cry and go back to bed. And now I know there's no point at all in me being here because I'm doing worse than I was in my old school. HOW FUCKING IRONIC.
Tuesday 15 June 2004
genocide
i had such a disturbing dream last night, and i'd give anything to learn what it means.
i dreamt that i had two older brothers, and the country was divided into two religions, and a sort of civil war was happening. me and one of my brothers were part of the religion everyone saw as good, and our older brother was the leader of the other religion, the religion everyone saw as bad. our family was seen as royalty in our country, and the people who followed the 'good' religion followed us as our parents had been killed by our older brother.
we told them to kneel down and pray in the street when our older brother sent a flood of water towards our city, and we were saved, but then he appeared, while we were all praying on our knees and he said this could all end if me and my brother were to worship him.
my brother and i said we would never worship an evil god, and our older brother told us we would have to or else he would kill our entire race.
so i sacrificed myself for my race. i stopped genocide.
i woke up feeling so powerful.
i dreamt that i had two older brothers, and the country was divided into two religions, and a sort of civil war was happening. me and one of my brothers were part of the religion everyone saw as good, and our older brother was the leader of the other religion, the religion everyone saw as bad. our family was seen as royalty in our country, and the people who followed the 'good' religion followed us as our parents had been killed by our older brother.
we told them to kneel down and pray in the street when our older brother sent a flood of water towards our city, and we were saved, but then he appeared, while we were all praying on our knees and he said this could all end if me and my brother were to worship him.
my brother and i said we would never worship an evil god, and our older brother told us we would have to or else he would kill our entire race.
so i sacrificed myself for my race. i stopped genocide.
i woke up feeling so powerful.
Monday 14 June 2004
cornflower blue
just had one exam this morning, maths 2, which went really not well.
me and 'joe' had a really good weekend. we spent a lot of time with my sister and her fiance at their new house, and 'joe' helped solve some of their electrical problems. the more i watched my sister and her finace together, the more i realised how lucky i actually am. her husband to be compared to my boyfriend is a 10 year old.
'joe' is so much more mature than any boyfriend i've ever had, or nearly had, or thought about having. and he cares about me more than any boyfriend i've ever had, nearly had, or thought about having. he's the perfect boyfriend. perhaps his only fault is that for 5 days a week he lives at the opposite end of the country.
he's got my dad's car now, and on sunday morning he woke me up at about 6 and told me we were going somewhere. we ended up in a nearby corn field about a mile away (ironically behind jordan's street). he'd brought a blanket and we just lay there for ages, looking up at the sky. i get so scared that he loves me too much. i never wanted another serious relationship until i was older, but i can just see where this is going. and i know i can't do anything about it.
i don't love him the same way as he loves me. i love him carefully, and in controlled doses, making sure he doesn't grab my heart and never give it back. i'm falling though. everytime i open my eyes he seems to be there, looking straight back as though he's been waiting an eternity for me to wake up.
sometimes i wish i could see how things would be in a year if we carried on the way we are now. i wish that didn't terrify me.
i don't know why i blame him for everything; why i feel so lonely, why i've lost my determination, why i want to finally go to sleep and never wake up again. it's not his fault at all, he's just unfortunate enough to have to go through it with me.
i know that without him i'd crumble again, which is very very bad. that's what happened last time. jordan was the hand holding me up, and when he let go i crumbled. how do i know 'joe' won't let go too?
i'm such a burden though.
me and 'joe' had a really good weekend. we spent a lot of time with my sister and her fiance at their new house, and 'joe' helped solve some of their electrical problems. the more i watched my sister and her finace together, the more i realised how lucky i actually am. her husband to be compared to my boyfriend is a 10 year old.
'joe' is so much more mature than any boyfriend i've ever had, or nearly had, or thought about having. and he cares about me more than any boyfriend i've ever had, nearly had, or thought about having. he's the perfect boyfriend. perhaps his only fault is that for 5 days a week he lives at the opposite end of the country.
he's got my dad's car now, and on sunday morning he woke me up at about 6 and told me we were going somewhere. we ended up in a nearby corn field about a mile away (ironically behind jordan's street). he'd brought a blanket and we just lay there for ages, looking up at the sky. i get so scared that he loves me too much. i never wanted another serious relationship until i was older, but i can just see where this is going. and i know i can't do anything about it.
i don't love him the same way as he loves me. i love him carefully, and in controlled doses, making sure he doesn't grab my heart and never give it back. i'm falling though. everytime i open my eyes he seems to be there, looking straight back as though he's been waiting an eternity for me to wake up.
sometimes i wish i could see how things would be in a year if we carried on the way we are now. i wish that didn't terrify me.
i don't know why i blame him for everything; why i feel so lonely, why i've lost my determination, why i want to finally go to sleep and never wake up again. it's not his fault at all, he's just unfortunate enough to have to go through it with me.
i know that without him i'd crumble again, which is very very bad. that's what happened last time. jordan was the hand holding me up, and when he let go i crumbled. how do i know 'joe' won't let go too?
i'm such a burden though.
Thursday 10 June 2004
facing the facts
i'm in the room next door to the schroder suite cos that's booked for a lesson. just did my history and i'm sure i passed with flying colours. i had chemistry first thing which i'm sure i did badly in and french comprehension after that which was ok. me and 'joe' are back on. i suppose i felt guilty since it was his birthday. i still feel exactly the same way about him though, like he is the reason i feel so lonely.
my parents are giving him a car for his birthday, can you believe that? jesus christ, they like him more than me. maybe they're just giving him it so he'll drive away and never come back. he's home tomorrow though, so i'll have to face him and sort things out properly.
perhaps our relationship really is just based on sex.
my parents are giving him a car for his birthday, can you believe that? jesus christ, they like him more than me. maybe they're just giving him it so he'll drive away and never come back. he's home tomorrow though, so i'll have to face him and sort things out properly.
perhaps our relationship really is just based on sex.
Tuesday 8 June 2004
merciless me
i had my geography exam first thing and i've just finished my french orals. i did ok, and my pervy french teacher let me read out what was written on my card so it's been a good morning.
it's 'joe's' birthday today. last night i told him i never wanted to speak to him or see him ever again. i told him about everything i've been feeling lately; that i'm lonely and it's all his fault.
i made him cry. paratrooper brown cried because i broke up with him. perhaps i am an evil, deceitful whore.
it hurt me so much, hearing him cry. listening to our conversation i realised that he was saying all the things i said to jordan when he told me it was over. 'i'm begging you', 'i'll do anything', 'i can change, i promise i'll change'. it made me feel sick. have i turned into him? cruel, merciless, vindictive, malevolent and totally remorseless.
perhaps it's not 'joe' i hate so much, maybe it's me.
it's 'joe's' birthday today. last night i told him i never wanted to speak to him or see him ever again. i told him about everything i've been feeling lately; that i'm lonely and it's all his fault.
i made him cry. paratrooper brown cried because i broke up with him. perhaps i am an evil, deceitful whore.
it hurt me so much, hearing him cry. listening to our conversation i realised that he was saying all the things i said to jordan when he told me it was over. 'i'm begging you', 'i'll do anything', 'i can change, i promise i'll change'. it made me feel sick. have i turned into him? cruel, merciless, vindictive, malevolent and totally remorseless.
perhaps it's not 'joe' i hate so much, maybe it's me.
Monday 7 June 2004
i love pessimism
'tis me again, in the schroder suite. i've just finished my maths exam and think i did really sucky.
i should be going into town now but it turns out my mother never signed a permission slip allowing me to leave the school whenever i didn't have exams.
we're so distanced now it's unbelievable. i hardly talk to her, and apart from our 20 minute trip to school in the morning i never spend time with her. i've grown to dislike my parents. in a serious way, not just a 'i hate her she wouldn't buy me those jeans' way. when my sister moved out about a year ago they both swore they would never give her any financial help unless she wanted to come back home. but that's funny, because they've just had to remortgage our house to buy her three-bedroomed semi.
they're mad, they really really are. and because they're in all this debt, they can't afford to buy me a new pair of shoes after the old ones have holes in the soles. it's ridiculous.
i heard them talking about me last night, saying i was losing track of what was important (meaning my schoolwork) and that 'joe' was getting in the way of me going forward and achieving. first off how the fuck would they know anything about my schoolwork? they couldn't be arsed to go to the Parents Evening. i don't tell them anything about my work so how would they have any idea how up to scratch it is? and it is pretty up to date at the moment.
it worries me that they feel this way about 'joe'. what lengths would they go to to get rid of him? apart from 'joe', i feel completely alone in the world. because of him, i don't have any other male 'contacts', my durham friends live 30 miles away and my old friends have excluded me from their movie days and their private jokes and their trips to newcastle. i'm all alone and it's all his fault, but if my parents then got rid of him, i'd have no one.
i don't make a difference to anyone's life. what's the point in me being here?
this isn't a suicidal rant but i just feel totally useless all the time.
what's the point in being alive if you're me?
i should be going into town now but it turns out my mother never signed a permission slip allowing me to leave the school whenever i didn't have exams.
we're so distanced now it's unbelievable. i hardly talk to her, and apart from our 20 minute trip to school in the morning i never spend time with her. i've grown to dislike my parents. in a serious way, not just a 'i hate her she wouldn't buy me those jeans' way. when my sister moved out about a year ago they both swore they would never give her any financial help unless she wanted to come back home. but that's funny, because they've just had to remortgage our house to buy her three-bedroomed semi.
they're mad, they really really are. and because they're in all this debt, they can't afford to buy me a new pair of shoes after the old ones have holes in the soles. it's ridiculous.
i heard them talking about me last night, saying i was losing track of what was important (meaning my schoolwork) and that 'joe' was getting in the way of me going forward and achieving. first off how the fuck would they know anything about my schoolwork? they couldn't be arsed to go to the Parents Evening. i don't tell them anything about my work so how would they have any idea how up to scratch it is? and it is pretty up to date at the moment.
it worries me that they feel this way about 'joe'. what lengths would they go to to get rid of him? apart from 'joe', i feel completely alone in the world. because of him, i don't have any other male 'contacts', my durham friends live 30 miles away and my old friends have excluded me from their movie days and their private jokes and their trips to newcastle. i'm all alone and it's all his fault, but if my parents then got rid of him, i'd have no one.
i don't make a difference to anyone's life. what's the point in me being here?
this isn't a suicidal rant but i just feel totally useless all the time.
what's the point in being alive if you're me?
Saturday 5 June 2004
my good friend mr antiobiotics
i am officially a smoker now. how hypocritical of me, after constantly harping on at two different people the effects of smoking on the heart, the lungs, the liver, shit just about everything really.
i don't really care anymore, come on cancer, you're invited to the party in my lungs. lately i've been finding myself searching for symptoms of any kind of illness i can think of. perhaps the painless bruises all over my body are the result of a rare blood disease, or the pains in my chest a side affect of the hole i was born with in my heart. the weird thing is, the more i search for these things, the more i find and the sicker i become. oh how i miss my good friend mr. antibiotics. i'm not on any at the moment, for the first time since christmas.
pain makes everything better. christ, i've never felt this lonely.
i don't really care anymore, come on cancer, you're invited to the party in my lungs. lately i've been finding myself searching for symptoms of any kind of illness i can think of. perhaps the painless bruises all over my body are the result of a rare blood disease, or the pains in my chest a side affect of the hole i was born with in my heart. the weird thing is, the more i search for these things, the more i find and the sicker i become. oh how i miss my good friend mr. antibiotics. i'm not on any at the moment, for the first time since christmas.
pain makes everything better. christ, i've never felt this lonely.
Thursday 3 June 2004
corona extra and lucky strikes
ok, so i'm pretty drunk right now, and i have a weird nicotine buzz kind of making me feel not to good, but that kind of makes me feel good.
i'm soooo tired. i've been tired for about six months now. i just want to sleep and get it over with.
my fingers stink like anthony, so does my hair and i can taste him even though he's four hundred miles away. the saliva that makes me feel sick every time i taste it.
cheap beer and cheap cigarettes. that is your definition. nothing describes you better. what does 'lucky strike' mean anyway?
i hate you so fucking much. i hate you because you love me and that forces me to love you back. i wish i didn't. it's gone too far now, almost half a year since i met you by accident that night. you were a drunken mistake that never should have happened. i never wanted to be with you. of all those people around me, you were perhaps my last choice. how the fuck did it end up like this?
it's all true, everything the bitches say. you're a pervert with a bad temper and a drinking problem.
the saddest thing is you love me more than anyone else in the world right now. you. fucking you. of all the people who could love me, you do. i fucking hate you.
i'm soooo tired. i've been tired for about six months now. i just want to sleep and get it over with.
my fingers stink like anthony, so does my hair and i can taste him even though he's four hundred miles away. the saliva that makes me feel sick every time i taste it.
cheap beer and cheap cigarettes. that is your definition. nothing describes you better. what does 'lucky strike' mean anyway?
i hate you so fucking much. i hate you because you love me and that forces me to love you back. i wish i didn't. it's gone too far now, almost half a year since i met you by accident that night. you were a drunken mistake that never should have happened. i never wanted to be with you. of all those people around me, you were perhaps my last choice. how the fuck did it end up like this?
it's all true, everything the bitches say. you're a pervert with a bad temper and a drinking problem.
the saddest thing is you love me more than anyone else in the world right now. you. fucking you. of all the people who could love me, you do. i fucking hate you.
Tuesday 1 June 2004
terrify me
ever since i've met 'joe', everything has become the opposite of what it was meant to be.
i'll start this entry with the story behind the story of the night we met.
on christmas eve i told jordan (yes, i typed his actual name) that i still loved him. this was following a period of about a week, where every time we made love we stared at each other almost daring the other to say the words. neither of us did though. i've never known such intensity as that. we were terrified of falling into the trap we thought we'd ran so far away from. but it was right behind us the whole time.
that was the last time we could pretend sex meant nothing. up until then we'd allowed ourselves to think that sex didn't need love to feel good, but the only reason we were still having sex was because it still felt good, because we still loved each other. if i hadn't said those words on christmas eve, i doubt either of us ever would have. perhaps we'd still be 'fuck buddies' now, still in love, only petrified to tell the truth.
after that night he didn't speak to me for about a week. when i rang him on new years eve, asking to see him one last time before the year was over, the year he saved me and loved me, he said no.
that night i met 'joe', and he met 'grace'. how ironic.
from that night onwards, i've never really felt the same way about jordan. i kind of got over him, mainly due to the string of boys i had on the go at the time. 'joe', obviously, 'beau', steve (once), b, mark, milli; i dated them all. and i made it clear to them all that i wanted to be single, and that i had plans with other boys every other night. 'joe' was the only person i made love to during that time though. i am not, was not and never will be a slut.
i didn't bother ringing jordan after he said he didn't want to see me on the last night of the year. when i was on a date with 'joe', he rang me. it was like an interrogation; he wanted to know where i'd been, who i'd been with, what i'd done.
and i told him. i told him everything, sitting there in a taxi next to another man. he called me a whore, and i said that was his opinion. he said i was a liar, how could i love him and sleep with a man i'd met just hours earlier? but who am i with now, jordan? i'm still with that stranger five months later. and you're happy with 'grace'. a happy ending, don't you agree?
i think i'll end up marrying 'joe'. i really do. i don't think i'll end up going to sixth form, instead i think i'll have a baby, get a normal job, have a group of friends in the same situation, live in place just like washington. and 'joe' will think i'm happy. my god that terrifies me.
what about my languages degree, or my masters in psychology? what about paris and prague and croatia? what about the shell necklace made from shells from all the beaches i've been to? what about my apartment overlooking the ocean? what about the expensive dresses my rich admirer asks me to wear for the evening balls at the fancy places? and what about the book i was going to publish? the book 'joe' doesn't even know exists. just like he doesn't know any of these dreams exist.
who am i kidding? i'll get pregnant at 16, and be on the dole for the rest of my life.
the reason i hate him so much sometimes is because he's forcing me to realise this. that hate is what's stopping me from loving him with all my heart. it'll never go away, just like he won't. i'll live the rest of my life wholly unsatisfied and never complain.
i just know it.
i'll start this entry with the story behind the story of the night we met.
on christmas eve i told jordan (yes, i typed his actual name) that i still loved him. this was following a period of about a week, where every time we made love we stared at each other almost daring the other to say the words. neither of us did though. i've never known such intensity as that. we were terrified of falling into the trap we thought we'd ran so far away from. but it was right behind us the whole time.
that was the last time we could pretend sex meant nothing. up until then we'd allowed ourselves to think that sex didn't need love to feel good, but the only reason we were still having sex was because it still felt good, because we still loved each other. if i hadn't said those words on christmas eve, i doubt either of us ever would have. perhaps we'd still be 'fuck buddies' now, still in love, only petrified to tell the truth.
after that night he didn't speak to me for about a week. when i rang him on new years eve, asking to see him one last time before the year was over, the year he saved me and loved me, he said no.
that night i met 'joe', and he met 'grace'. how ironic.
from that night onwards, i've never really felt the same way about jordan. i kind of got over him, mainly due to the string of boys i had on the go at the time. 'joe', obviously, 'beau', steve (once), b, mark, milli; i dated them all. and i made it clear to them all that i wanted to be single, and that i had plans with other boys every other night. 'joe' was the only person i made love to during that time though. i am not, was not and never will be a slut.
i didn't bother ringing jordan after he said he didn't want to see me on the last night of the year. when i was on a date with 'joe', he rang me. it was like an interrogation; he wanted to know where i'd been, who i'd been with, what i'd done.
and i told him. i told him everything, sitting there in a taxi next to another man. he called me a whore, and i said that was his opinion. he said i was a liar, how could i love him and sleep with a man i'd met just hours earlier? but who am i with now, jordan? i'm still with that stranger five months later. and you're happy with 'grace'. a happy ending, don't you agree?
i think i'll end up marrying 'joe'. i really do. i don't think i'll end up going to sixth form, instead i think i'll have a baby, get a normal job, have a group of friends in the same situation, live in place just like washington. and 'joe' will think i'm happy. my god that terrifies me.
what about my languages degree, or my masters in psychology? what about paris and prague and croatia? what about the shell necklace made from shells from all the beaches i've been to? what about my apartment overlooking the ocean? what about the expensive dresses my rich admirer asks me to wear for the evening balls at the fancy places? and what about the book i was going to publish? the book 'joe' doesn't even know exists. just like he doesn't know any of these dreams exist.
who am i kidding? i'll get pregnant at 16, and be on the dole for the rest of my life.
the reason i hate him so much sometimes is because he's forcing me to realise this. that hate is what's stopping me from loving him with all my heart. it'll never go away, just like he won't. i'll live the rest of my life wholly unsatisfied and never complain.
i just know it.
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