pink pills

in the schroder suite again. when i talked to him yesterday 'joe' seemed to have totally forgotten about his outburst the night before, so i just forgot it too. i can't be arsed with arguing right now so i just pretended like nothing had even happened. i'm starting to get used to his little moods and his demands and stupid reasons for going off on one.
my pink pills have stopped my jaw from hurting so much but i can still feel it clicking in and out of place. they've had a weird effect on me i think. i keep telling people the truth, which could be a bad thing. hmmmm.
i feel pretty today, a weird thing to say i know but i do so i think i might as well say it.
just got an e-mail saying he's coming home again tonight. i'm glad (note the enthusiasm).
this is my free lesson but i never do work in frees i always just end up writing in here. it clears my mind though and makes the rest of the day seem not so bad so maybe it's a good thing that i'm sat here pretending to research desertification.
i'm hungry.
i bet i have to meet him at the station tonight at like 10:00 or something like that. and i bet he wants to stay at my house too. don't get me wrong i love spending time with him and waking up with him and stuff but when he turns into johnny from the shining and says loads of nasty things and then magically transforms into prince charming the next day it kind of pisses me off.
he's taking me on holiday in the summer, to the norfolk broads on a barge holiday. i'm not going to be sarcastic about it because i am kind of looking forward to it and it's all we can really afford. he wants to buy a motorbike. that could be cool: riding on the back of a motorcycle, my hair flying backwards as went ride towards the sunset. or he'll buy a piece of scrap metal with wheels and it'll rain everywhere we go.
it's nice to have an older boyfriend because i suppose if i was still with you, nathaniel, the end of the bus route would be the boundary for where we could go. and we wouldn't be able to stop off at country pubs and go out for fancy meals and nights out at the pictures (for free). that's honestly not the only reason i'm with 'joe' though. he's such a unique person. i don't think i've ever met someone so kind and generous, and so eager to please me. bit of a contrast from you, don't you think, nathaniel? (you still owe me £12).
that reminds me, a friend told me that her boyfriend blabbed to his friends about what they get up to in private. i can kind of identify with the stuff she's been going through lately, but even though we were sex-crazed even after we split up, you were always a gentleman in the matter. you never made me do anything i didn't want to, you never told your friends (at the time i don't think anyway), and if i didn't seem into what we were doing you'd stop and we’d talk or something.
i miss that side of you. i know you and 'grace' must be close in that way too but part of me hopes that the love that you and her share isn't as special as it was for you and me. i admit that with 'joe' it's a lot more fun, but with you it was definitely special, in a way i don't think it will be for me with anyone else.
i wonder if you hold her hand when she comes, or if you kiss her eyes to wake her up. do you hold her closer while you're sleeping? do you think that when she comes her face is the most beautiful thing in the world?
this is making my heart hurt.

choking smoke / sweet sensation

i'm writing from the schroder suite again. 'joe' left yesterday and it's left me more unhappy than i expected it would. i woke up at six yesterday morning just to lie in bed with him for an extra hour before i left for school. i didn't say goodbye i just kissed him while he slept, but he came and picked me up after school before we said goodbye at the train station.
i think i'm falling for him, finally. i felt lonely last night lying in the bed he'd been sleeping in for the past three weeks. everything seems empty and sad. i never thought i'd miss him this much.
i was thinking about him last night, when your name popped up on my phone. we were fake-chatting again about stupid things which we didn't really care about, afraid to ask each other the real questions, what's really been on our minds. you told me you saw me in the car with 'joe'. "who's joe?" "how long have you been with him?" "the army guy?".
i asked you about school, if you were staying out of trouble, and if you were coping with the work. no and no. you told me about your smoking and i admitted that i did occasionally after preaching to you for so long about the dangers of it.
"still on the drugs?" "just soft stuff" "tried skunk on saturday, big mistake". i remember smoking weed with you in leazes park last year. choking smoke but sweet sensation.
"yes i'm still with 'grace', we're happy i suppose".
i didn't think of 'joe' much after that.

the sweetness of unconsciousness

what gives me the right to feel significance?
who else dreams of your blue inky fingerprint transforming into ripples on leazes park lake over a year ago?
who else dreams of the coffee we drank in Starbucks pouring from the irises of your eyes?
and what about the heat your warm lips gave out, and your fingertips against mine?
don't touch me you'll stain me with your blue ink.

narcissistic me

i'm at school again, this time in the schroder information technology suite. i cried again this morning. i remember when i was in reception at school, i used to cry every morning my mum left me because i hated being away from her and i loathed the teachers. it feels kind of the same way now.
i told 'joe' about this and he nodded and pretended he understood but he doesn't. how could he? afterall it's been almost 7 years since he even stepped foot in a school. i wish i could put in words what it feels like, but all i can think of is extreme loneliness. i wake up in the morning and i'm invisible from that point onwards. he'll never understand.
last night he told me i never think of anyone other than myself, as long as i'm ok everything's fine, forget everyone else. i don't think anyone's ever said something that hurtful to me. maybe he's right though. wasn't it just the other day i was saying that i didn't love him? maybe he doesn't love me either, but at least he cares. he thinks i don't care about him, and it's made me wonder if i do. it was never ever my intention to use him to try and get over my relationship with you, nathaniel, but it's got me wondering...
i honestly do feel that i care for him a lot, he means a lot to me and i'd be upset if he were to break it off. but would i still be writing letters i'll never send to him over six months after our break up? would i have a box of his things; a golf tee, a bracelet, a stupid piece of twig? a bowl of dead flowers he's given to me over a year ago?
i doubt i would.

sail on silver girl

i'm at school, in the schroder library to be exact, for the first time in about a month. i've been holding back tears all morning, and i don't even know what they're for.
on the way to school this morning we had the radio on, and just as we turned the corner for the school a song came on and i almost burst into tears.
the trouble is, we listened to so many songs when we were together than whenever i hear one i always think immediately of you. and then the tears kick in.
this morning it was bridge over troubled water. i don't even like the song but it reminds me of you because whenever i was sad you used to say "sail on silver girl" and everything would magically become ok again. you haven't said that to me for about six months though, and i haven't been ok for about six months now. whenever i felt like i was slipping all i had to do was remember i had you and i'd be back on my feet again.
our friends have been telling me that you've changed since september; become nasty and mean. you were never like that before, with me. is it self-righteous of me to think that you've changed because we're not together anymore? i used to keep you in order, make sure you got your homework in on time, make sure you didn't act up in classes, make sure you didn't pick on people or offend them. have you changed because i'm not there telling you not to do those things?
i worry about you even though we're not each others' concerns anymore. i worry about your work and your exams and your 'new friends' and your 'dangerous' new lifestyle. when was the last time you worried about me?
you used to be special because you were different to everyone else. your taste in music, the way you dressed, your way of expressing yourself. now it seems like you're a clone of your friends with your New Munky music and Timberlands and your "inits", and "likes". you're a totally different person.
i talked to you last night for the first time in fifty six days (apart from my constant requests for the £12 you owe me). i got that feeling i used to get when we were still together, of butterflies when my phone went off and the grabbing for it to read what you had to say to me. but the things you were saying to me were very different. normal small talk between friends.
to be honest i don't think we'll ever be friends again. i'd like to but if we got any closer than "how was your holiday" i think we'd get caught up in the web we were in after we split up. fuck buddies. that's all we were really after october. we always knew we'd either be lovers or enemies, there's nothing in the middle for you and i.
maybe when we're older and both single we'll meet by chance and fall in love again. until then we'll be the worst of enemies.

torn

I would love to say that I'm ready to fall in love with 'Joe', but I'm not. It's like a role reversal from my relationship with you, Nathaniel. He is the one chasing after me with flowers and letters and pretty words and goddamn marriage proposals, and I'm the one running as fast as I can. Why? Maybe it's the age thing; afterall six years is a lot to a fifteen year old. It would be so much easier for me to fall in love with him than to still be clutching at false hopes between you and I.
It's been fifty four days since we've seen each other. I remember that lunch time. My school had been closed because of the snow and you came to my house for dinner. There was nothing romantic about it, apart from the hug and how you lifted me up onto the counter. I wanted to cry. Perhaps we both knew that was the very end of us. You put your forehead against mine and you went to kiss me. Then the thought came to me. Me and 'Joe' had sex in that very place. You were between my legs, moving closer towards me with your mouth when I jumped up and said you'd be late for afternoon lessons. That was the very last time we were together.
The day before that we went to visit our friend in hospital. As we walked out of the funny-smelling building together, into the fresh snow, you whispered in my ear "you look beautiful with snow flakes in your hair". I stopped laughing and smiling and that there was our last kiss. Fifty five days ago. I wish I had known that would be our last. I think you knew.
I don't think anyone will understand how it feels and what it means to have your lips against mine. To me, that will always be the definitive kiss, gentle yet passionate. It was like we'd read each other's minds when we'd kiss; we both knew what to do and when to do it, without even thinking about it.
I wish I could remember which of your chestnut eyes has the black dot in it. Every time I see 'Joe' looking up at me I imagine your face instead of his. I know it's wrong.
I wonder how much longer your hair has grown and if it would feel different between my fingers.
Maybe I should ask your girlfriend.