i'm really quite sick of feeling like a fool

Lately, I’ve been trying to lower my expectations so that when you disappoint me, as you do quite frequently, the disappointment won’t show on my face. It still makes me want to cry, but it’s become so comical to me: that surprised/sad/guilty look on your face; that tone in your voice. It’s always there looking at me inquisitively after you’ve just put in the shittiest amount of effort possible for me.

The funniest thing though, is when I see you and your dad pulling that ridiculous face together. Now that does make me laugh out loud. Like two naughty little boys. It’s like you’re both afraid that you’re in trouble, but not enough so to make you care enough about what you did/didn’t do or who you did/didn’t do it to to stop you from putting any extra effort in next time. You’re just not made that way are you? It’s really quite pathetic.

Example: Your dad took a shower on a Sunday morning (at about noon after waking your mum up at dawn so he could watch the cricket in bed) and left the bathroom window open to air it out. That was very nice (and rare) of him. Then when it flung wide open and blew a gale through the house it blew you mums things out the window.

You stood there with your mum watching the gale outside and you had that face on. And you made excuses for him. And that tone was in your voice. You actually told her not be mad at him. I looked at you in disbelief, somewhat amused/incensed. Was this your mum’s fault? You somehow shifted it that way.

Meanwhile I got distracted when I saw your dad (ten minutes after the window flung open) go outside with a weatherproof jacket and a cap on to stop him from getting wet or making his hair untidy, to try and find any of the things that had blown (further now, after ten minutes) away. I had to laugh then.

That look on your face: so wounded! But only for your dad. Not for your mum. Never for your mum. Never for me either.

I like to see the way that you act guilty even before I’ve reacted to whatever shitty thing you’ve just done. It makes me wonder why you do it when you already know that it’s going to hurt me. But you don’t really care, do you? No.

It’s soul-crushing, and I mean that honestly. I blame myself though, for thinking you might not do it this time; this time he’ll come through. But no.

I think we’re having 2 different relationships. Forgive me if I’m wrong (and yes I may only be 18, but I have been with you for 2 years now) but shouldn’t a relationship be part of your life? The main part, even? It is for me, and you know it is. For you though, I am what interests you when everything else that interests you doesn’t at that exact moment in time appeal to you. Like a doll that a little girl only picks up when it suits her.

Example: You will get home, make your cup of tea, turn on friends, wait for your cup of tea to cool down, drink it (all), and then (if your phone just so happens to be in your pocket so that you don’t have to get up) you’ll send me a message asking how I am. And that is the only programme you would text me during, because you know all the plot lines anyway. You wouldn’t text me during anything else. Not even in the adverts, just in case you got distracted when it came back on and you missed a little bit.

Now, I won’t just unzip my steely mouth into a pretty little smile so that you don’t have to ask me what’s wrong (when you fully know anyway). Now, I feel like letting you know (even when you already know I know that you know).

I'm making a conscious effort to treat you the way you treat me. Does it feel nice? Cos I'm really quite sick of feeling like a fool.