run bay, run

it's been a while again.

last friday adam and i went to his friend's fancy dress houseparty. i was nervous; his friends are all either university graduates or still studying for their degrees. and as i always seem to when my nerves are bothering me, i started to drink faster. there was home-made punch. it tasted like fruit juice. it went down easily. it was about 40% alcohol.

after falling off the washing machine a few times, knocking bottles off the top of the fridge and falling into a compromising situation with the ironing board, adam started to realise i wasn't exactly sober.

we sat with his friends in the sitting room for a while, and i knew i was gone. adam was his pissed-happy self, but i was definitely gone. i remember stumbling over to the stairs and meeting one of his friends on the steps. we talked about guns and how i tried to buy one from a toy shop for my spy girl idea, but they don't sell them anymore for some gay reason.

i don't really remember too much after that, but i went upstairs to the toilet and adam met me when i came out. i couldn't stand up straight. i fell backwards and hit my head against the door on my way to the floor.

apparantely i was out for a little while. people were fussing about with coffee and water and needless to say, adam got me in a taxi home.

on saturday morning i woke up and hugged my head in pain. then i looked at myself, wearing nothing but a black thong, then i looked to my left and saw adam. fully clothed, lying about as far way from me as possible.

i sighed. holy shit. what the fuck was i thinking? what an impression you made, hannah. well done. bet adam was proud.

we didn't do much that day. my head hurt. a lot. my kidneys hurt too. and my knee.

on sunday we walked for miles for the hell of it, then went to spoons to watch the newcastle match. all my friends were there. my sister too. adam seemed uncomfortable. i made an effort not to ignore him.

about an hour after we arrived there, i was looking towards the screen, and i saw someone wearing a white and turquoise jacket walk across the screen. he'd been sitting behind the pillar two metres away from where i was.

i HATE that jacket. he bought it for new year's eve. our anniversary. he spent that night with alison. then came to see me the next morning. it's only a two minute walk from house to house, afterall.

he walked over to the bar. he didn't look in my direction. he knew i was there though. i know he knew. i couldn't relax then.

his friend spender came over to our table to say hello to everyone. he didn't look at me either. eventually i touched his arm and he forced himself to look. he smiled, said hello, said goodbye.
i wonder what anthony told them all. he wouldn't make himself out to be the bad guy. i know he wouldn't. he probably told them something like i'd had a nervous breakdown and turned crazy. that was him though. not me.

i turned to adam.

how did he end up with me? poor boy. i'm sorry in advance.

he made me smile. he does that a lot

spent the weekend with adam again.

i went out with some girlfriends on friday, and at 9.55 i ran to get tabs from the shop that was about to close. it was raining buckets and i had my coat over my head, and i ended up running right into somebody. i said i was sorry and turned to run to the shop again.

then he shouted my name. i turned around. he started laughing. my heart sank to the bottom of my stomach. "what the fuck are you doing?" he said, smiling. i tried to laugh but it came out wrong.

we were standing about ten feet away from each other. he was soaked. i was getting soaked. neither of us were saying anything. he walked towards me.

"got to get to the shop by ten," i said and backed away. "bye." i turned around and started running again. i looked back when i reached the shop door. he was still standing there, looking straight at me. i opened the door and left him there, out in the rain. like i did the night of his breakdown.

inside, my heart was sinking deeper and deeper. my hands were trembling so badly i couldn't get my purse out of my handbag. the shop assistant asked if i was alright. i smiled nervously. "been too long since i had one," i said, picking up my cigarettes and handing over the money.
he wasn't there when i got outside.

i ran back to my friends and caught a taxi with them to somewhere else. i wasn't sure if i was glad or not that i was getting away from him. both, i think.

i started to drink faster - aware that i was feeling way too sober. and who walked in? with his new girlfriend? beau. of course that made me feel so much better.

we caught each other's eye when he was standing at the bar. he gave me that dry smile accompanied with a nod. i've given that look so many times. it kind of means please don't come and talk to me tonight. fuck him.

his girlfriend's not as pretty as me.

i found an old friend who was on leave from the navy and started talking to him - funnily enough he's one of beau's friends. i remember summer 2003 when beau used to take me to that same place and introduced me to all his friends. sitting in the beer garden, sipping a drink someone else bought me, talking to older interesting people. i loved it.

it's not quite the same anymore. i'm just a familiar face now.

the whole night had just depressed me. and then adam came and met me. he was drunk and happy with himself and he made me smile. he does that a lot.

on saturday he drove us up to my old village where i used to live. it made me quite sad to see how everything had changed. my old house looks grey and miserable. they've ripped down the fence and taken out the flower beds. they've built houses on the fields i used to play in. my old school, which used to teach just forty pupils has now doubled in size. my dragonfly mozaic is gone. the old traditional pub my dad used to take me to on wednesday nights is now a sports bar. clare the barmaid who used to plait my hair doesn't work there anymore.

i left feeling sad.

i guess we all grow up, and everything changes.

whirlwind

i know i haven't written for a long time.

since adam came home we've spent every single day together. it's been nice to have him around. it's strange. i feel exactly as i felt this time last year when the relationship between anthony and i was starting to accelerate. in truth, i was still in love with jordan at the time.

i really don't want to say this but i fear that now, while my relationship with adam starts to whirlwind and escalate, i'm starting to realise that i may actually still have some feelings left for the young man i loathe.

loathe, but miss.

i keep dreaming about him. and in all these dreams victoria is there and he's ignoring me and i'm sitting in a corner somewhere watching helplessly as they fall in love with each other.

i automatically tell myself i don't want him back, but i suppose i do. i wish i didn't though. and poor adam. i can see how much he cares about me.

yes, this is definitely a familiar feeling. i have no feelings left for jordan now, so maybe this time next year i'll have no feelings left for anthony.

adam makes me feel as happy as the smile i slap on my face makes me look. he gives me goosebumps. he makes me shiver. he stimulates me. we talk about relevant matters, news, life, love. real things. and then we talk about nothing a lot of the time too. and then sometimes we're just happy to be silent together. i feel constantly awake and aware when i'm with him. and i love it.

yet anthony still plays on my mind. we don't really talk anymore; we only do when i'm getting in touch with his mother. he'll always be anthony who saved me on his big white horse. it makes me smile sadly thinking about the year we spent together. all the stupid things that happened. all the alcohol. all the drugs. all the arguments. all the mistakes. all the times we fell on the floor laughing at ourselves.

i'm smiling right now. but i'm so sad.

adam's such a nice boy.