he made me smile. he does that a lot

spent the weekend with adam again.

i went out with some girlfriends on friday, and at 9.55 i ran to get tabs from the shop that was about to close. it was raining buckets and i had my coat over my head, and i ended up running right into somebody. i said i was sorry and turned to run to the shop again.

then he shouted my name. i turned around. he started laughing. my heart sank to the bottom of my stomach. "what the fuck are you doing?" he said, smiling. i tried to laugh but it came out wrong.

we were standing about ten feet away from each other. he was soaked. i was getting soaked. neither of us were saying anything. he walked towards me.

"got to get to the shop by ten," i said and backed away. "bye." i turned around and started running again. i looked back when i reached the shop door. he was still standing there, looking straight at me. i opened the door and left him there, out in the rain. like i did the night of his breakdown.

inside, my heart was sinking deeper and deeper. my hands were trembling so badly i couldn't get my purse out of my handbag. the shop assistant asked if i was alright. i smiled nervously. "been too long since i had one," i said, picking up my cigarettes and handing over the money.
he wasn't there when i got outside.

i ran back to my friends and caught a taxi with them to somewhere else. i wasn't sure if i was glad or not that i was getting away from him. both, i think.

i started to drink faster - aware that i was feeling way too sober. and who walked in? with his new girlfriend? beau. of course that made me feel so much better.

we caught each other's eye when he was standing at the bar. he gave me that dry smile accompanied with a nod. i've given that look so many times. it kind of means please don't come and talk to me tonight. fuck him.

his girlfriend's not as pretty as me.

i found an old friend who was on leave from the navy and started talking to him - funnily enough he's one of beau's friends. i remember summer 2003 when beau used to take me to that same place and introduced me to all his friends. sitting in the beer garden, sipping a drink someone else bought me, talking to older interesting people. i loved it.

it's not quite the same anymore. i'm just a familiar face now.

the whole night had just depressed me. and then adam came and met me. he was drunk and happy with himself and he made me smile. he does that a lot.

on saturday he drove us up to my old village where i used to live. it made me quite sad to see how everything had changed. my old house looks grey and miserable. they've ripped down the fence and taken out the flower beds. they've built houses on the fields i used to play in. my old school, which used to teach just forty pupils has now doubled in size. my dragonfly mozaic is gone. the old traditional pub my dad used to take me to on wednesday nights is now a sports bar. clare the barmaid who used to plait my hair doesn't work there anymore.

i left feeling sad.

i guess we all grow up, and everything changes.