run bay, run

it's been a while again.

last friday adam and i went to his friend's fancy dress houseparty. i was nervous; his friends are all either university graduates or still studying for their degrees. and as i always seem to when my nerves are bothering me, i started to drink faster. there was home-made punch. it tasted like fruit juice. it went down easily. it was about 40% alcohol.

after falling off the washing machine a few times, knocking bottles off the top of the fridge and falling into a compromising situation with the ironing board, adam started to realise i wasn't exactly sober.

we sat with his friends in the sitting room for a while, and i knew i was gone. adam was his pissed-happy self, but i was definitely gone. i remember stumbling over to the stairs and meeting one of his friends on the steps. we talked about guns and how i tried to buy one from a toy shop for my spy girl idea, but they don't sell them anymore for some gay reason.

i don't really remember too much after that, but i went upstairs to the toilet and adam met me when i came out. i couldn't stand up straight. i fell backwards and hit my head against the door on my way to the floor.

apparantely i was out for a little while. people were fussing about with coffee and water and needless to say, adam got me in a taxi home.

on saturday morning i woke up and hugged my head in pain. then i looked at myself, wearing nothing but a black thong, then i looked to my left and saw adam. fully clothed, lying about as far way from me as possible.

i sighed. holy shit. what the fuck was i thinking? what an impression you made, hannah. well done. bet adam was proud.

we didn't do much that day. my head hurt. a lot. my kidneys hurt too. and my knee.

on sunday we walked for miles for the hell of it, then went to spoons to watch the newcastle match. all my friends were there. my sister too. adam seemed uncomfortable. i made an effort not to ignore him.

about an hour after we arrived there, i was looking towards the screen, and i saw someone wearing a white and turquoise jacket walk across the screen. he'd been sitting behind the pillar two metres away from where i was.

i HATE that jacket. he bought it for new year's eve. our anniversary. he spent that night with alison. then came to see me the next morning. it's only a two minute walk from house to house, afterall.

he walked over to the bar. he didn't look in my direction. he knew i was there though. i know he knew. i couldn't relax then.

his friend spender came over to our table to say hello to everyone. he didn't look at me either. eventually i touched his arm and he forced himself to look. he smiled, said hello, said goodbye.
i wonder what anthony told them all. he wouldn't make himself out to be the bad guy. i know he wouldn't. he probably told them something like i'd had a nervous breakdown and turned crazy. that was him though. not me.

i turned to adam.

how did he end up with me? poor boy. i'm sorry in advance.