swans

of course it came out in the end. it was always going to. this, though, was perhaps the worst scenario i could possibly have forseen.

on sunday adam and i went to a hippy festival over at leazes park. it was cool. it was sunny and the ground was wet so the air smelled sweet like it used to years ago. there was beer and vegan food and fire throwing and guitar playing and adam's friends from work were there too.

i thought they looked at me funny but put it down to my drunken performance at their houseparty last friday. there was a lot of teasing about that. it started getting late and eventually his friends invited us out for a drink later. we accepted. i got home. got ready. made myself as pretty as i could possibly make myself.

we got the train into town and went for a drink together before we met up with everyone else. over our drinks we had our first proper conversation based on events from his past. he talked about his first girlfriend (me being only his 2nd, apparantely).

i could actually fully well imagine him being with the girl he described. it's weird. it actually didn't make me feel jealous. i liked listening to him talk about her. in some way, i hoped this would be the way he'd talk about me when we went our separate ways. we'll see.

later we met his friends and went to the telegraph. standing out on the balcony, the moon in the sky, the patioheaters glowing, music from the live band inside filling my ears, and adam.

he was all i could see. everything and everyone else was just a background behind him. nothing else seemed to matter but him. i felt so warm and sleepy and happy to be there with him. i smiled and blinked softly. he caught my eye. i raised my glass. he smiled at me. it was as though everyone else was invisible.

then his friend who was SkyCaptain at the party touched my shoulder and asked if he could have a word. "here's the thing - we all think you're really cool (who's all?) - and we all love adam to bits. the only reason we're going to let you know about this is because we think you're good for him, so -" "i don't understand (by this point i was very worried)"

i looked at adam who was standing at the other end of the balcony. "you told sooz something when you were pissed last week - (my heart started sinking)" he looked at me and smiled. i tried but failed. "- that you're not seventeen."

i was still looking at adam. my hands were placed across my stomach, discreetly holding in my guts that began to spill all over the floor. i stepped backwards, away from the conversation, away from the bloody mess on the floor, and almost stumbled. SkyCaptain held me up.

"we wanted to give you the chance to tell him before -" "who's we? who knows about this?" he looked towards the group of friends adam was standing with. "everyone but him." adam caught my eye again, looking concerned this time. i turned around and walked past the live band, past the bar, down the stairs, past the cigarette machine and out the door into the street.

i fumbled depserately for a cigarette in my bag - hands shaking. adam came out of nowhere and found my lighter for me. he asked what was wrong. i couldn't even begin to tell him.

he drove us to a park yesterday. the ground smelled sweet again. we sat by the lake and watched the swans on the water.

i told him.