i'm in school preparing for my german listening exam this afternoon. should go well if the practise papers are anything to go by. not that i'm being complacent or anything.
the weekend was yet again a turning point for adam and i. friday was the first time i ever felt good enough for him. we were in the beer garden with his friends, my friends - our friends. they all know each other in some weird way.
i had a jd with lots of ice and a marlboro light in my right hand after an hour long search for change for the cigarette machine. i was sitting on top of one of the tables - my legs were on show - they were pretty sexy that night. it was about midnight and it was getting cold. i watched adam talking to his friends a few metres away from where i sat.
something made me realise that i'm not really such a bad person. i'm not so ugly really. i'm giving him everything he needs. i care for him. a lot. more than i realised i did. he could do a lot worse than me.
we were invited to a party - we both just wanted to go home together though. so we went to his house. tea with marmite on toast. my idea of heaven. i love lying with him. when my head's on the pillow it's like i'm in another world, and then when i sit up i face reality again.
i took him to the salsa club in newcastle and we ate a big plate of nachos. in our dark corner of the room with the orange light glaring in my face we talked. we've started doing that a lot more lately. it makes it feel like a real relationship.
we've been dancing around four letter words. two in particular.
love:
1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
Sexual passion.
Sexual intercourse.
A love affair.
fuck:
use your imagination, please.
maybe they need each other to work though. it has to be real for it to happen, right? i don't want to be blunt about it so figure it out. i had to.
Tuesday 24 May 2005
Thursday 19 May 2005
the pissed-off express
hmmm.
anthony phoned on saturday night. adam was with me at the time. we were getting ready to go to a party together.
he rang off a number i didn't recognise. i wouldn't have answered if i'd known it was him. he was stoned. he wouldn't tell me where he was. adam left my room and went downstairs to read the paper. annoyed.
he talked about his mum and his uncle. i asked him quick questions and didn't give him time to finish his answers.
i asked him how he was? depressed as fuck. on the pills again. are you actually doing anything about it? i've seen the paperwork for it this time. should be out by the end of the month. that was what you said in december. yeah. things are really different now. (i nodded my head to the reflection in the mirror. i'm so different now) yeah. i know.
he was crying. i pretended i didn't notice - i had a party to go to. i really hope you're well, hannah. (i smiled at the reflection in the mirror) i'm good, anthony. i'm really good. (i wanted to twist the knife in between his ribs - scraping the bone with every turn of the knife) good.
i have to go, anthony. yeah. see you around. take care, princess. (that last word made me melt). i tossed my phone onto the bed and stared at it.
poor anthony. i think he'll be dead by the end of the summer. he's so weak now. so different. i wish i knew what happened to him. november was so long ago. now, i'm strong enough to be able to say that it was his fault. he had me. he threw me away.
thank you anthony. thank you for improving my life.
anthony phoned on saturday night. adam was with me at the time. we were getting ready to go to a party together.
he rang off a number i didn't recognise. i wouldn't have answered if i'd known it was him. he was stoned. he wouldn't tell me where he was. adam left my room and went downstairs to read the paper. annoyed.
he talked about his mum and his uncle. i asked him quick questions and didn't give him time to finish his answers.
i asked him how he was? depressed as fuck. on the pills again. are you actually doing anything about it? i've seen the paperwork for it this time. should be out by the end of the month. that was what you said in december. yeah. things are really different now. (i nodded my head to the reflection in the mirror. i'm so different now) yeah. i know.
he was crying. i pretended i didn't notice - i had a party to go to. i really hope you're well, hannah. (i smiled at the reflection in the mirror) i'm good, anthony. i'm really good. (i wanted to twist the knife in between his ribs - scraping the bone with every turn of the knife) good.
i have to go, anthony. yeah. see you around. take care, princess. (that last word made me melt). i tossed my phone onto the bed and stared at it.
poor anthony. i think he'll be dead by the end of the summer. he's so weak now. so different. i wish i knew what happened to him. november was so long ago. now, i'm strong enough to be able to say that it was his fault. he had me. he threw me away.
thank you anthony. thank you for improving my life.
Wednesday 11 May 2005
one big weekend
had the weekend of all weekends last week. well, sort of.
went out on friday with adam, got pissed on wine again, which is always very funny. met up with some friends - who i actually think are pretty cool now. adam likes to wind them up. i hope she doesn't take it the wrong way. half the time i'm worried he's taken an innocent joke too far and my friends will think he's insulting them. he's not though. i don't think.
it sounds strange but in some weird way i feel like he's getting at me through my friends. he jokes about them being 'sluts' - which they aren't, and i always seem to get this silent, meaningful stare fix upon me. then i smile painfully and look away.
maybe it's just me.
when we got home that night he fell asleep in front of my fire downstairs. i left him and went to bed, kind of pissed off that he was drunk and i wasn't anymore. i went down there a few times and gave him a kick to get him upstairs but he wouldn't budge, and the last time i went down he was being sick in my kitchen sink. i wasn't impressed.
on sunday i ended up getting us both tickets for the big weekend at penshaw monument - for free - without queueing - yes i am amazing. i also have very nice friends (thank you, noah).
it was amazing - him and his friends lifted me up on top of the whole crowd and i watched the kaiser chiefs above everyone else. i got a funny feeling in the bottom of my stomach, like nostaligia. it was sad. but good. i felt dizzy when they put me down.
had my german orals yesterday - es war nicht zu schlecht.
denise (anthony's mum) phoned me last night. i'm going round there on saturday for a coffee and a chat. when i go there i'll take the rest of anthony's stuff. when i cleaned out the garage i found his golf clubs, the petrol canisters he stole from the army, and the guidebook for the toyota corolla my dad gave him - that he crashed.
there's also his big t-shirts i used to wear for bed, his thick army socks he gave me to keep my feet warm, his preppy jumper vest i used to take the piss out of him for wearing, and the army pants he gave me to sleep in the night i broke down when he had to leave again.
it's time for them to go.
went out on friday with adam, got pissed on wine again, which is always very funny. met up with some friends - who i actually think are pretty cool now. adam likes to wind them up. i hope she doesn't take it the wrong way. half the time i'm worried he's taken an innocent joke too far and my friends will think he's insulting them. he's not though. i don't think.
it sounds strange but in some weird way i feel like he's getting at me through my friends. he jokes about them being 'sluts' - which they aren't, and i always seem to get this silent, meaningful stare fix upon me. then i smile painfully and look away.
maybe it's just me.
when we got home that night he fell asleep in front of my fire downstairs. i left him and went to bed, kind of pissed off that he was drunk and i wasn't anymore. i went down there a few times and gave him a kick to get him upstairs but he wouldn't budge, and the last time i went down he was being sick in my kitchen sink. i wasn't impressed.
on sunday i ended up getting us both tickets for the big weekend at penshaw monument - for free - without queueing - yes i am amazing. i also have very nice friends (thank you, noah).
it was amazing - him and his friends lifted me up on top of the whole crowd and i watched the kaiser chiefs above everyone else. i got a funny feeling in the bottom of my stomach, like nostaligia. it was sad. but good. i felt dizzy when they put me down.
had my german orals yesterday - es war nicht zu schlecht.
denise (anthony's mum) phoned me last night. i'm going round there on saturday for a coffee and a chat. when i go there i'll take the rest of anthony's stuff. when i cleaned out the garage i found his golf clubs, the petrol canisters he stole from the army, and the guidebook for the toyota corolla my dad gave him - that he crashed.
there's also his big t-shirts i used to wear for bed, his thick army socks he gave me to keep my feet warm, his preppy jumper vest i used to take the piss out of him for wearing, and the army pants he gave me to sleep in the night i broke down when he had to leave again.
it's time for them to go.
Tuesday 3 May 2005
swans
of course it came out in the end. it was always going to. this, though, was perhaps the worst scenario i could possibly have forseen.
on sunday adam and i went to a hippy festival over at leazes park. it was cool. it was sunny and the ground was wet so the air smelled sweet like it used to years ago. there was beer and vegan food and fire throwing and guitar playing and adam's friends from work were there too.
i thought they looked at me funny but put it down to my drunken performance at their houseparty last friday. there was a lot of teasing about that. it started getting late and eventually his friends invited us out for a drink later. we accepted. i got home. got ready. made myself as pretty as i could possibly make myself.
we got the train into town and went for a drink together before we met up with everyone else. over our drinks we had our first proper conversation based on events from his past. he talked about his first girlfriend (me being only his 2nd, apparantely).
i could actually fully well imagine him being with the girl he described. it's weird. it actually didn't make me feel jealous. i liked listening to him talk about her. in some way, i hoped this would be the way he'd talk about me when we went our separate ways. we'll see.
later we met his friends and went to the telegraph. standing out on the balcony, the moon in the sky, the patioheaters glowing, music from the live band inside filling my ears, and adam.
he was all i could see. everything and everyone else was just a background behind him. nothing else seemed to matter but him. i felt so warm and sleepy and happy to be there with him. i smiled and blinked softly. he caught my eye. i raised my glass. he smiled at me. it was as though everyone else was invisible.
then his friend who was SkyCaptain at the party touched my shoulder and asked if he could have a word. "here's the thing - we all think you're really cool (who's all?) - and we all love adam to bits. the only reason we're going to let you know about this is because we think you're good for him, so -" "i don't understand (by this point i was very worried)"
i looked at adam who was standing at the other end of the balcony. "you told sooz something when you were pissed last week - (my heart started sinking)" he looked at me and smiled. i tried but failed. "- that you're not seventeen."
i was still looking at adam. my hands were placed across my stomach, discreetly holding in my guts that began to spill all over the floor. i stepped backwards, away from the conversation, away from the bloody mess on the floor, and almost stumbled. SkyCaptain held me up.
"we wanted to give you the chance to tell him before -" "who's we? who knows about this?" he looked towards the group of friends adam was standing with. "everyone but him." adam caught my eye again, looking concerned this time. i turned around and walked past the live band, past the bar, down the stairs, past the cigarette machine and out the door into the street.
i fumbled depserately for a cigarette in my bag - hands shaking. adam came out of nowhere and found my lighter for me. he asked what was wrong. i couldn't even begin to tell him.
he drove us to a park yesterday. the ground smelled sweet again. we sat by the lake and watched the swans on the water.
i told him.
on sunday adam and i went to a hippy festival over at leazes park. it was cool. it was sunny and the ground was wet so the air smelled sweet like it used to years ago. there was beer and vegan food and fire throwing and guitar playing and adam's friends from work were there too.
i thought they looked at me funny but put it down to my drunken performance at their houseparty last friday. there was a lot of teasing about that. it started getting late and eventually his friends invited us out for a drink later. we accepted. i got home. got ready. made myself as pretty as i could possibly make myself.
we got the train into town and went for a drink together before we met up with everyone else. over our drinks we had our first proper conversation based on events from his past. he talked about his first girlfriend (me being only his 2nd, apparantely).
i could actually fully well imagine him being with the girl he described. it's weird. it actually didn't make me feel jealous. i liked listening to him talk about her. in some way, i hoped this would be the way he'd talk about me when we went our separate ways. we'll see.
later we met his friends and went to the telegraph. standing out on the balcony, the moon in the sky, the patioheaters glowing, music from the live band inside filling my ears, and adam.
he was all i could see. everything and everyone else was just a background behind him. nothing else seemed to matter but him. i felt so warm and sleepy and happy to be there with him. i smiled and blinked softly. he caught my eye. i raised my glass. he smiled at me. it was as though everyone else was invisible.
then his friend who was SkyCaptain at the party touched my shoulder and asked if he could have a word. "here's the thing - we all think you're really cool (who's all?) - and we all love adam to bits. the only reason we're going to let you know about this is because we think you're good for him, so -" "i don't understand (by this point i was very worried)"
i looked at adam who was standing at the other end of the balcony. "you told sooz something when you were pissed last week - (my heart started sinking)" he looked at me and smiled. i tried but failed. "- that you're not seventeen."
i was still looking at adam. my hands were placed across my stomach, discreetly holding in my guts that began to spill all over the floor. i stepped backwards, away from the conversation, away from the bloody mess on the floor, and almost stumbled. SkyCaptain held me up.
"we wanted to give you the chance to tell him before -" "who's we? who knows about this?" he looked towards the group of friends adam was standing with. "everyone but him." adam caught my eye again, looking concerned this time. i turned around and walked past the live band, past the bar, down the stairs, past the cigarette machine and out the door into the street.
i fumbled depserately for a cigarette in my bag - hands shaking. adam came out of nowhere and found my lighter for me. he asked what was wrong. i couldn't even begin to tell him.
he drove us to a park yesterday. the ground smelled sweet again. we sat by the lake and watched the swans on the water.
i told him.
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