ink on a pin

I'm bored at work on a friday afternoon and everyone's gone home. It's times like these I think - How can I be sitting here staring at the buttons of my calculator when I could be doing something else? Anything else?

I'm the sort of person who takes class A drugs at 14, who works for a scholarship and then sits back and does no work for 2 years. I see a twenty one year olds soon after my fifteenth birthday and let him come and live with me and my parents. I take about a quarter of the school year off sick. I get good grades in the end, because it's me and things always just work out like that for me, but I know I can do better.

And then there's this whole different part of my life that started about a year and a half ago. Fancy meals and Cosmopolitans. Dresses and shoes, at last! Spur of the moment trips to Edinburgh. Someone who wants to show me off rather than hide indoors with me. Nights spent feeling so safe and warm and comfortable. Feeling as though I could quite easily lie with this person forever. One week in particular that can only be described as magical.

How did fate ever allow you enter my life?

I never knew feelings and emotions (other than bad ones) could sink so deep inside me. So deep they wouldn't even go away when I tried to make them. Like they're tattooed so deep they can never fade.

"Ink on a pin, Underneath your skin,
An empty space to fill in."

Korea

For people to understand this entry I'll bring everything up to date:

Me and Adam are back together now and are happier than we've ever been together. Seriously! Looking back now I think the differences between two people only become a problem when you let them. Now, I'm so happy we're together that these differences (that are definitely still there) don't even run through my mind anymore. I just appreciate what we have.

What finally made me realise that none of those things mattered was when I thought about how much I loved him. That was never the issue between us, see. I never loved him less or more than before, it was just everything else around us that was the problem. I just couldn't see why we shouldn't be together when I knew how happy I could be with him when everything was alright.

So somehow, things have gotten even better than before from there. This is definitely the strongest I've ever felt about him. And it seems to keep growing somehow.

He left for Korea ten days ago. I thought I'd be miserable when he went but I'm actually doing fine. Not that I don't miss him, obviously, but in a way I'm happy he's there. Not many twenty one year olds get the chance to be asked to do what he's doing. And I suppose not many seventeen year old girlfriends get the chance to visit them in Korea for a month...