whirlwind

i know i haven't written for a long time.

since adam came home we've spent every single day together. it's been nice to have him around. it's strange. i feel exactly as i felt this time last year when the relationship between anthony and i was starting to accelerate. in truth, i was still in love with jordan at the time.

i really don't want to say this but i fear that now, while my relationship with adam starts to whirlwind and escalate, i'm starting to realise that i may actually still have some feelings left for the young man i loathe.

loathe, but miss.

i keep dreaming about him. and in all these dreams victoria is there and he's ignoring me and i'm sitting in a corner somewhere watching helplessly as they fall in love with each other.

i automatically tell myself i don't want him back, but i suppose i do. i wish i didn't though. and poor adam. i can see how much he cares about me.

yes, this is definitely a familiar feeling. i have no feelings left for jordan now, so maybe this time next year i'll have no feelings left for anthony.

adam makes me feel as happy as the smile i slap on my face makes me look. he gives me goosebumps. he makes me shiver. he stimulates me. we talk about relevant matters, news, life, love. real things. and then we talk about nothing a lot of the time too. and then sometimes we're just happy to be silent together. i feel constantly awake and aware when i'm with him. and i love it.

yet anthony still plays on my mind. we don't really talk anymore; we only do when i'm getting in touch with his mother. he'll always be anthony who saved me on his big white horse. it makes me smile sadly thinking about the year we spent together. all the stupid things that happened. all the alcohol. all the drugs. all the arguments. all the mistakes. all the times we fell on the floor laughing at ourselves.

i'm smiling right now. but i'm so sad.

adam's such a nice boy.