adam's been gone since friday morning. we went for a night out together on thursday - st. patrick's day - (50p tequila shots) and then i stayed with him that night. it was probably one of the best nights we've had i think, even though he was leaving within a few hours. how strange.

i'm severely moneyless so another night out on friday was out of the question. instead, i went to my friend's house. there was loads of us there like there always is. all my 'big brothers'. got pissed on other peoples' drink, got stoned on other peoples' joints. it was good.

it sounds weird, but big sisters male friends all look after me and make me feel safe, and they make sure i'm having a good time too. they put me on a pedastool as though no one deserves
me, no one quite compares. it's unnerving.

when i got up to leave, three of them stood up and insisted on walking me home. i've learned not to protest. we were walking down the front street when i saw stu sitting in his car. he's one anthony's friends who live at 'the flat', where i knew anthony would be.

he wound down his window and we started chatting, and he offered me a lift home. after much debate, the big brothers let me be. they know who stu is, so they weren't too perplexed by the idea.

in the car, there was little talk really. stu is sweet, but quiet, and doesn't really meet the grade if you know what i mean. he did say one thing though. we were just outside my house. 'he's got no idea what he's lost hannah. he's made the biggest mistake of his life; everyone knows that but him.'

i smiled politely, somewhat pissed off that everyone seems to think it plays on my mind so much that i need constant consoling.

i wished adam was there so we could lie down by the fire and let our cups of tea get cold.