anthony rang me on tuesday night. 'what's wrong?' 'i just haven't had the chance to ring you. i haven't got long hannah' 'where are you?' 'i'm at the flat' 'ah, right. are you ok? how did it go on moday? (the trial for his court case)'

i heard a girl's voice shouting up the stairs of the flat 'hiya' in an annoying high-pitched squeak. victoria. it made me think about all the times that used to be me.

'i've got to go hannah-' 'yeah' and i hung up on him.

he rang me again on wednesday lunchtime. the trial didn't go too well. he was found guilty - eighteen month ban from driving, £600 fine and to top it all off he was arrested the second he walked out of court for being AWOL from the army for the past two months. he spent the night in jail on monday and on tuesday he got taken back to his new base at catterick to sort everything out.

my heart was bleeding all afternoon.

he rang again at six and then again at ten and i can't help but think that this is wrong, and yet at the same time i'm so glad that he's rang me and he's talking to me. afterall who knows when we'll speak again?

don't judge me. i know it's wrong. i'm only really hurting myself though - and god, i'm so good at it though.