the young american

oh, the shit that's surfaced recently.

so much shit. all landing right on top of me.

adam searched this site and found it. read everything. that's why some entries are private now. he texted me on tuesday afternoon asking if he could come round early cos we needed to talk. i had no idea it was about this though.

so who are you then? neon princess, with your pretty lies.

i actually froze. i actually felt the icey chill trickle from the top of my skull down to the tips of my toes. my mouth wouldn't open, my eyes wouldn't close, my head wouldn't turn. and all the time his stare was fixed directly between my eyes.

there was a lot of silence for a while.

he said one of the worst things he read was this:
...then he looks at me and tells me he's falling for me.
What The Fuck?
i felt guilty. he's not falling for me at all. just the person i let him believe i am...

i didn't know what to say to him. i felt a large brick in the centre of my stomach, weighing me down, pulling me to the floor. where i fucking belong.

we went to the pub for my sister's birthday later on. as though nothing had happened. as though he had no recollection of these dirty pages. nothing.

i got pissed on mai tais and long island ice teas. adam soberly drove me home at about midnight. i invited him in for 'tea', which grew stone cold while we messed around on my living room carpet.

yesterday i went to a conference in newcastle with school. i already know how much trouble i'm in, but my parents had none whatsoever. they were informed and that's why i didn't want to go home after the conference. adam was at uni, so i met him at 6 and we went for a drink together.
when i was on my own, i walked past a debate going on at the top of northumbria street. i turned around and stood and listened for about half an hour. it was about god.

i envied the young american spreading the message of greatness, love, faith, hope, glory. i wished i could feel those things as intensely as he obviously does. just to feel them at all would be good enough.

to feel loved solely for being me.

to belong.