three words

last night was 'the night' me and adam had been waiting for for more than a month now. and i managed to fuck it right up.

his parents were at a wedding in bristol - the house to ourselves. it was going so well: he made me dinner, we had grown up conversation, we sat in the conservatory, we listened to music, and he poured me red wine.

i remember sitting with him in his conservatory, watching the words flow out of his mouth. he's such a beautiful person.

and the music! of all the albums in the world he could play he chose that one. he seems to know so many things about me that i've never come close to explaining.

i wish i hadn't drank so much. wine all over his carpet - stains on your carpet, like stains on the scenery.

of course he stopped drinking long before i did, and by the time we got into bed i was having trouble acting normal.

i thought i was so ready, but i was just so nervous.

he says things to me that make me feel as beautiful as he is. but then why do i feel like it's all one big lie? i always hide my face from him, so that he can't see my smile, or my sad expression. he doesn't realise who i really am. i'm ugly.

i don't remember my new specially-selected-for-that-night black underwear coming off. nor do i remember how close we apparantely came to making love for the first time. i saw the empty packet when i woke up at 7am and my heart sank - had i missed it? he assured me i hadn't - we hadn't.

we'd been waiting so long for that night and i fucked it up. what a fucking idiot.

we lay in bed all day today - until about 4 this afternoon. my intestinal fortitude were churning - as though the way that my body's urges overruled my head was too much for my stomach to take.

i'm so lucky he's such a gentleman.

when we both eventually got out of bed and started to get ready, he put his arms around me and i put my head against his chest.

i swear i heard him whisper three words. but of course i pretended i didn't.

what if i was meant to hear them though?