pink pills

in the schroder suite again. when i talked to him yesterday 'joe' seemed to have totally forgotten about his outburst the night before, so i just forgot it too. i can't be arsed with arguing right now so i just pretended like nothing had even happened. i'm starting to get used to his little moods and his demands and stupid reasons for going off on one.
my pink pills have stopped my jaw from hurting so much but i can still feel it clicking in and out of place. they've had a weird effect on me i think. i keep telling people the truth, which could be a bad thing. hmmmm.
i feel pretty today, a weird thing to say i know but i do so i think i might as well say it.
just got an e-mail saying he's coming home again tonight. i'm glad (note the enthusiasm).
this is my free lesson but i never do work in frees i always just end up writing in here. it clears my mind though and makes the rest of the day seem not so bad so maybe it's a good thing that i'm sat here pretending to research desertification.
i'm hungry.
i bet i have to meet him at the station tonight at like 10:00 or something like that. and i bet he wants to stay at my house too. don't get me wrong i love spending time with him and waking up with him and stuff but when he turns into johnny from the shining and says loads of nasty things and then magically transforms into prince charming the next day it kind of pisses me off.
he's taking me on holiday in the summer, to the norfolk broads on a barge holiday. i'm not going to be sarcastic about it because i am kind of looking forward to it and it's all we can really afford. he wants to buy a motorbike. that could be cool: riding on the back of a motorcycle, my hair flying backwards as went ride towards the sunset. or he'll buy a piece of scrap metal with wheels and it'll rain everywhere we go.
it's nice to have an older boyfriend because i suppose if i was still with you, nathaniel, the end of the bus route would be the boundary for where we could go. and we wouldn't be able to stop off at country pubs and go out for fancy meals and nights out at the pictures (for free). that's honestly not the only reason i'm with 'joe' though. he's such a unique person. i don't think i've ever met someone so kind and generous, and so eager to please me. bit of a contrast from you, don't you think, nathaniel? (you still owe me £12).
that reminds me, a friend told me that her boyfriend blabbed to his friends about what they get up to in private. i can kind of identify with the stuff she's been going through lately, but even though we were sex-crazed even after we split up, you were always a gentleman in the matter. you never made me do anything i didn't want to, you never told your friends (at the time i don't think anyway), and if i didn't seem into what we were doing you'd stop and we’d talk or something.
i miss that side of you. i know you and 'grace' must be close in that way too but part of me hopes that the love that you and her share isn't as special as it was for you and me. i admit that with 'joe' it's a lot more fun, but with you it was definitely special, in a way i don't think it will be for me with anyone else.
i wonder if you hold her hand when she comes, or if you kiss her eyes to wake her up. do you hold her closer while you're sleeping? do you think that when she comes her face is the most beautiful thing in the world?
this is making my heart hurt.