narcissistic me

i'm at school again, this time in the schroder information technology suite. i cried again this morning. i remember when i was in reception at school, i used to cry every morning my mum left me because i hated being away from her and i loathed the teachers. it feels kind of the same way now.
i told 'joe' about this and he nodded and pretended he understood but he doesn't. how could he? afterall it's been almost 7 years since he even stepped foot in a school. i wish i could put in words what it feels like, but all i can think of is extreme loneliness. i wake up in the morning and i'm invisible from that point onwards. he'll never understand.
last night he told me i never think of anyone other than myself, as long as i'm ok everything's fine, forget everyone else. i don't think anyone's ever said something that hurtful to me. maybe he's right though. wasn't it just the other day i was saying that i didn't love him? maybe he doesn't love me either, but at least he cares. he thinks i don't care about him, and it's made me wonder if i do. it was never ever my intention to use him to try and get over my relationship with you, nathaniel, but it's got me wondering...
i honestly do feel that i care for him a lot, he means a lot to me and i'd be upset if he were to break it off. but would i still be writing letters i'll never send to him over six months after our break up? would i have a box of his things; a golf tee, a bracelet, a stupid piece of twig? a bowl of dead flowers he's given to me over a year ago?
i doubt i would.