perfection

this weekend was the monumental, pivotal point in the break down of my worthless life.
my perfume bottle smashed on thursday night, when i was so ready to do something i wish i had the emotion to regret. i didn't though, until i was pushed as far as i thought i could be pushed on friday evening.
my dad thinks my miserable face is what's making our family fall apart, it's all my fault you see, obviously.
my sister's so far stuck up her own ass to even recognise the fact that i still exist, well, sort of.
my mum, well, my mum hasn't been the same since she realised i was too old for her to plait my hair and take me on journeys to the park in autumn to collect leaves and stick them on a collage for her to keep forever. even if she thought i was depressed she couldn't say anything because that would mean she recognised the fact that i was my own person and not just another chance for her to relive her life and correct the mistakes she made when she was younger.
'joe', who i hate for loving me so much. i've become totally dependent upon his presence as a pillar to stop me from falling. but for five days of the week i'm left witout anyone to lean on, and i always end up falling, so many times. he doesn't understand this though. he doesn't understand anything.
everything sort of jumped on me at once and tried to strangle me with invisible hands. school, friends, family, sex, love... and loneliness.
how coincidental that after i had been picked up 2 hours late with 30 minutes to get ready for a party, alone in my house with a sharp, alcohol tinged shard of perfect glass, i got that suffocating feeling of total loneliness.
i sat on the floor of my shower with the water pouring down over my head, my vision blurred by water and tears, with that perfect, sharp shard of alcohol tinged glass in my hand.
nothing seemed to have ever made more sense than that situation.