cornflower blue

just had one exam this morning, maths 2, which went really not well.
me and 'joe' had a really good weekend. we spent a lot of time with my sister and her fiance at their new house, and 'joe' helped solve some of their electrical problems. the more i watched my sister and her finace together, the more i realised how lucky i actually am. her husband to be compared to my boyfriend is a 10 year old.
'joe' is so much more mature than any boyfriend i've ever had, or nearly had, or thought about having. and he cares about me more than any boyfriend i've ever had, nearly had, or thought about having. he's the perfect boyfriend. perhaps his only fault is that for 5 days a week he lives at the opposite end of the country.
he's got my dad's car now, and on sunday morning he woke me up at about 6 and told me we were going somewhere. we ended up in a nearby corn field about a mile away (ironically behind jordan's street). he'd brought a blanket and we just lay there for ages, looking up at the sky. i get so scared that he loves me too much. i never wanted another serious relationship until i was older, but i can just see where this is going. and i know i can't do anything about it.
i don't love him the same way as he loves me. i love him carefully, and in controlled doses, making sure he doesn't grab my heart and never give it back. i'm falling though. everytime i open my eyes he seems to be there, looking straight back as though he's been waiting an eternity for me to wake up.
sometimes i wish i could see how things would be in a year if we carried on the way we are now. i wish that didn't terrify me.
i don't know why i blame him for everything; why i feel so lonely, why i've lost my determination, why i want to finally go to sleep and never wake up again. it's not his fault at all, he's just unfortunate enough to have to go through it with me.
i know that without him i'd crumble again, which is very very bad. that's what happened last time. jordan was the hand holding me up, and when he let go i crumbled. how do i know 'joe' won't let go too?
i'm such a burden though.