i love pessimism

'tis me again, in the schroder suite. i've just finished my maths exam and think i did really sucky.
i should be going into town now but it turns out my mother never signed a permission slip allowing me to leave the school whenever i didn't have exams.
we're so distanced now it's unbelievable. i hardly talk to her, and apart from our 20 minute trip to school in the morning i never spend time with her. i've grown to dislike my parents. in a serious way, not just a 'i hate her she wouldn't buy me those jeans' way. when my sister moved out about a year ago they both swore they would never give her any financial help unless she wanted to come back home. but that's funny, because they've just had to remortgage our house to buy her three-bedroomed semi.
they're mad, they really really are. and because they're in all this debt, they can't afford to buy me a new pair of shoes after the old ones have holes in the soles. it's ridiculous.
i heard them talking about me last night, saying i was losing track of what was important (meaning my schoolwork) and that 'joe' was getting in the way of me going forward and achieving. first off how the fuck would they know anything about my schoolwork? they couldn't be arsed to go to the Parents Evening. i don't tell them anything about my work so how would they have any idea how up to scratch it is? and it is pretty up to date at the moment.
it worries me that they feel this way about 'joe'. what lengths would they go to to get rid of him? apart from 'joe', i feel completely alone in the world. because of him, i don't have any other male 'contacts', my durham friends live 30 miles away and my old friends have excluded me from their movie days and their private jokes and their trips to newcastle. i'm all alone and it's all his fault, but if my parents then got rid of him, i'd have no one.
i don't make a difference to anyone's life. what's the point in me being here?
this isn't a suicidal rant but i just feel totally useless all the time.
what's the point in being alive if you're me?