bugs

in the schroder suite once again. i've been in town all morning on a geography trip related to our coursework, and the only lesson i've got after this double free is a single of physics, looking over our exam paper (which i did shit in).
i feel a lot better today. when i smile it's because i'm happy, not because i think that it's the right time to pull my lips apart. i can still feel my skin stretching in protest though.
it's weird, when i was in town this morning, some people got their cigarettes out and started smoking. without even thinking it through i instinctively asked to borrow one until i bought some from the shop later on. and it struck me, I'M A SMOKER !
yeah, ok, i've been smoking at home through my window a lot lately but i just thought of that as a desperate cry for tranquillity. but today i smoked because i just wanted to. hmmmm.
anyway.
school finishes next thursday, and it amazes me every time i look back on the year. where did all the time go? i suppose a lot of it was wasted on being with jordan, getting over jordan and hating jordan, and that time seemed to last forever, but ever since i met anthony time has slowed down. it's giving me a chance to savour every moment we spend together, i suppose there are so few after all.
i can't wait for some time alone to focus on pulling myself together again. maybe i'll start writing again, or start reading more like i used to.
i had another strange dream last night. i dreamt that 'joe' and i were on a river in a rowing boat together, all peaceful and romantic, him rowing, me reading, ducks swimming...
i turned around to ask 'joe' a question, and saw bugs crawling all over his face. they were pouring out of his mouth, his nose, his ears. i tried to tell him by screaming at him but he said he couldn't see anything. i saw them on me too, crawling all over my hands, my arms, my chest and over my face. but he couldn't see anything at all.
i think i really am cracking up.