kidnapped by carbon monoxide

It worries me that I'm back here.

Why is it that every now and then people simply lose control over their state of... being? Those moments frighten the life out of me - when it suddenly dawns on you that something rooted deep inside you has more control over you than your head does. Maybe your heart as well. And yet lately the longest it's been able to last for is half a day at the most. It's been so long now since it was a day in, day out battle of endurance that whenever it does come it's as though a black mist chases and engulfs me, and eventually suffocates me.

I never used to panic when it happened, but now I do. I know better now. It feels like a physical injury. It feels like my chest is caving in. It feels like my limbs have been drugged. It feels like I will never know what all the good feelings feel like anymore.

And then I become so tired and dream-like. As though I've been kidnapped by carbon monoxide. He sets himself to work at making me believe that this is what I'm destined to feel. And I'm so tired. And he makes it feel as though it would be pointless to try and snap out of it.

All that's left is for Stockholme Syndrome to set in and then I'll never want to leave this state of being. I'll believe that it's really everyone else who is on the outside. I'm right where I belong.

See? It's so, so easy to be pulled into it. You'd think there'd be an element of choice involved. I honestly don't know.