neutral love

i know i haven't written much in the last couple of weeks, but i've had some good excuses. i had to go to hospital on the 13th because i was getting excruciating pains in my stomach, and they found a cist near to my fallopian tube they had to remove. 'joe' begged his seargent major for compassion leave as soon as he heard, which i thought was soo sweet. he came to visit me in hospital and i went home the next day after having it removed, not a pleasant experience.
since then i've been catching up on my work, yes i typed that correctly, W-O-R-K. it feels so great to not have to hide from teachers in assembly, or take the long route down main concourse to avoid the staff room. the last two weeks have been quite good for me; i've started being myself more at school too, not just sitting smiling in the corner like i usually do.
when it comes to the issue of me and 'joe', we've taken our relationship a bit further in the last two weeks. i can't remember the first time i said it, but i caught myself saying i love you, then realised that i'd said it before. it's weird. it just felt so natural to say it though that it didn't freak me out.
i like things the way they are right now. we're in love, but neither of us are head over heels, it's just a neutral fondness for each other. if we ended it i'd be sad, but i'd get over it. which means i'm not going to get my heart broken. i like it this way.

a eulogy for nathaniel

i've decided that for mirabella to have any chance of getting on with her life, nathaniel has to die. this is all that is left of him now anyway: a black badge, an orange and blue REEF bottle top, a white golf tee, a name-tag saying 'Hannah May Smith', a bus pass which expired on the 31st of July 2003, an old malteser, a paper Remembrance Day poppy, two tissues with Peter Rabbit chracters printed on them, a clothes label with a button stitched to it, a melted BIC pen, a christmas present tag saying 'To Hannah, Merry Crimbo, Soz it's late', a blue and yellow bow, a dried daffodil head from Spring 2003, half a pencil made from one recycled vending cup from the Earth Centre, a penny, half an 'Admit One' ticket, a bus ticket dated 17th February 2003, a birthday present tag with GOLDSMITHS FINE JEWELLERY on the front saying 'To Hannah, Happy Birthday, Lots of Love Jordan x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x', a dried pink coronation head from June 2003, a pair of gloves, a wooden necklace from the Earth Centre, a stalk of lavender, a caramel wrapper, a Valentines 2004 card saying 'To Hannah, Love you lots, Jordan x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x', a sweatband, a clear marble with a green stripe through it, a birhday card saying 'To Hannah, Happy Birthday, lots of love and kisses Jordan x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x', a small piece of twig he told me to keep forever, a soft toy with two lions stitched together with a heart between them reading 'I love you' and a Monet printed hard-back book, with hundreds of entries based solely on one figure - YOU, NATHANIEL. Now though, none of what i wrote in that book, or any of those stupid objects, means anything, because i have decided that from this sentence onwards nathaniel ceases to exist.

thank god for lego

yeah i'm in the schroder suite again. this weekend has been so strange i keep on asking myslef if things actually happened.
on thursday night 'joe' came home and on the friday he pretended to take me to school and we ditched again. it makes me feel so alive when i'm doing something wrong, isn't that a mental condition? we went to his friend's flat and helped them decorate, and i took magic mushrooms for the first time ever.
i could see my hair growing out of my head, and my fingernails growing out of my fingers. it was unlike anything i've ever experienced, but it was like i was hanging over the edge and needed a bigger push to get me over. like the build-up to a climax that never comes.
hours later when it wore off we went to the pictures to see 'eternal sunshine of the spotless mind'. on the way to 'the gate' in newcastle we had an argument over nothing really, and when he stopped at the traffic lights i walked out of the car. i couldn't stand him saying to me that all i ever thought of was myself, that all that mattered to me was what i wanted. i know that's not true; he's the only person who has ever said that to me. it's not true, is it?
anyway, by the time i walked to the cinema and strutted up the stairs he was waiting for me, out of breath. i liked the film but i was too angry to have appreciated it as much as i'd have liked to.
on saturday we went out with his mother to see another film 'secret window', which i thought was good but they thought was crap. she likes me, i can tell, and not just that fake kind of liking either. we talked for most of the night, pissing 'joe' off.
sunday i went out with my sister, her fiance and his friend to newcastle. i was pissed before i got out of the taxi. i had an amazing time, while 'joe', who had paid £30 and £4 a pint for this 12th birthday at shindig had a shit time.
i went back to my sister's and had a midnight barbeque and 'joe' came later on. i was on MDMA, something i would never normally dream of taking but i was off my head so i can forgive myself.
while we were having sex 'joe' blurted out that loved me. i was a little shocked and fell out of bed onto some of my sister's fiance's kids' toys, kind of extinguishing the question.
i wasn't ready to say anything back, not i love you, but not i don't love you either.
thank god for lego.