mental state

Everything’s so fucking quiet. It’s July 16th – 1:51 am and nothing in my life has ever been so quiet. This quietness – I’m sure – is what’s bringing out these voices. No one in reality whispers my name “Han-nah”. People usually just say “Hannah” quickly, trying to fit it into one syllable. But not these voices, oh no siree.
Everything is so quiet that my mind has created them to keep me company. Who knows, maybe they’ll stick around like Mirabella and Nathaniel did. Ah, the good old days when there was actually a point in summer breaks, and that was of course to ride bikes all day long and make houses out of stones and climb trees as tall as ten houses. Seven years old with a purpose in life – being seven. Being fifteen and failing at school for the first time ever kind of puts things into perspective.
As soon as you’re fifteen childhood seems to officially end forever and ever, and every year from then onwards is about the next, and the next and the next and the next. Nothing makes sense anymore.
I’m cracking up big time and no one gives a shit. Why should they? After all, quite frankly I couldn’t give a shit about anyone else either. Why the fuck should someone else’s problems concern me? I’m too busy wallowing in self-inflicted boredom, loneliness, shame, and just plain craziness. The funniest thing is, what fucking cracks me up (no pun intended) is that I’ve finally got everything I wanted.
I got that scholarship – that ‘gateway to even higher achieving’. I got that devoted boyfriend who loves me and does everything for me and puts up with my craziness. I got that detached relationship with my family.
Everything I asked for. But I fucked up big time by not stating what quantities and proportions I expected these to come in.
Everything is to the extreme. I’ve succeeded in fucking up once again.
My sanity is paying for those wishing I frivolously made.
I’m just the epitome of fucked up.