just like a woman

why is it that i can sit and write on here for hours but can't even imagine the possibility of making an effort to clear the knee-high pile of coursework notes i NEED to look through.
it's like one of those office-type cartoons you see with an IN tray piled up to the ceiling, and a completely empty OUT tray. having said that though, the OUT tray isn't totally bare. my social life, my energy, my joy, my passion, my self-respect, even my dreams are in there. and it's as though they're what everyone is feeding off.
but everyone is so fucking hungry.
anthony left early this morning, leaving me once again to an empty bed. we went to a friend's house last night, and even though we've spent a lot of time there before last night i felt as though i was sitting in the corner watching grown-ups talk about grown-up things.
but the funny thing is, when i went back to school on thursday, while everyone was jabbering on about their amazing holidays, i felt old. i felt like a grown-up sitting in the corner watching children talk about juvenile things.
i don't fit in anywhere. it got so confusing, and so frustrating, to the point where i had to just walk out of the classroom at school and sit in the library for a while to calm myself down. and i had to walk out of sara's living room and sit in the bathroom for ten minutes to stop myself shaking.
when we got in last night anthony and i sat out in the garden with a bottle of wine and a few candles. i tried to explain it to him then but i just gave up in the end.
while i was smoking my cigarette, i noticed dark brown veins forming from the tip. i kept smoking it until the veins reached my fingers. i imagined these veins running through my whole body, like dirty blood: like i was dead, and yet my stale blood still managed to circulate around me.
even while anthony and i had sex later last night, i was still thinking about these brown veins running through me. every thrust was like the heartbeat pumping the brown blood through my veins.
i miss him already. only thirteen more days until he comes home again.